Prologue
As far as i know, i am the only one of my kind left on this planet. All alone, and unwillingly compelled to a curse that nearly sucked the life out of me. I am bound to darkness. Because of this curse, I don’t see in color, only black and white. everything about me is black, my eyes, my lips, my hair, my wings, my clothing. Even my blood, black as night, everything except my skin. my skin is like a white stone, flawless, but cold and lifeless. no human would understand me, yet somehow, i have to love one of my own kind to break this awful curse. And not just any love, true love, where you want to spend the rest of your life with that one special someone.
Chapter 1
It was a cold winter morning, and I was feeling especially lonely. i stepped out of my once beautiful, but now age crumbled home, onto the cold, snow dusted ground with my bare feet. the cold didn’t have much effect on me. I walked out into the emptiness, and scanned the white snow. there was nothing in sight, just the snow covered hills, and the small frozen pond beyond a clutter of bare trees. i looked up into the snow filled sky, bent me knees and pushed off with all force in my body. I pressed my black wings against the cold air, pushing myself higher and higher.
I love that nervous excitement of flying, feeling each air molecule glide against my skin as i forge on into the gray sky. i looked down at the fading world below me. the pond behind my house slowly dwindle behind the heavy snowfall. then i faced the ground head first, and tucked my wings close to my back, and fell into a nose dive. my eyes watered from the air being pressured onto their soft, wet surface. i could barely see through the snowflakes falling into my face. soon i raised my wings, pulling me back, slowing me down. My sudden change in direction flung my hair into my face like a whip. it was such a familiar feeling. it felt like the sharp pain of my mothers words striking my ears. it stung but left no mark. she was cruel to me. she hated me for who i was.
My kind, the winged immortals, are proned to glitches. If during a mothers pregnancy, the child's body has difficulty with cell division, or growth, it will not effect them in the way it effects humans, It curses them. The child will be born with a curse that can only be broken, when and if that winged immortal finds true love. these cursed creatures among us are know as monodaemons, and i am one of them. at first my parents suspected nothing, even though my wings were black, but when i was around 2 years old, my lips turned black, and a close family friend brought up the possibility of me being a monodeamon, they looked into it right away. they had me see a winged immortal doctor who did a monodeamon test on me, and i came out positive. when my mother found out, she nearly fainted. she rejected me for it. she verbally abused me for it. though my father tried he couldn’t stop her from saying such devilish things to me. She disappeared when i was only 27 years old. My father said she was just stressed out and needed a break, but she never came back. Even though she's gone now, the scars she left in my mind are still firmly planted. She had never physically hurt me, but she told me that i should die. She said i was useless, and that she hated me. My father, however, loved me and stayed with me as long as he could. It was 30 years ago when i was 399. he wanted to make me a fur coat for my fourth centennial that was coming up in a few weeks. He was out hunting when i heard his cries coming from the woods. immediately i flew to his side. His blood was spilled out on the new fresh sprouts of grass. His face was clawed up, covered in deep gashes. His arms were bruised and punctured also. The sight of him like this shook my heart. ”What...?” i began to say but found myself speechless. he hushed my dry sobs, and smiled. I hadn’t noticed before, the white wolf hairs embedded in his blood flooded cuts. A single tear trickled down my face and landed with a cold splash against his clothing. I gave him a proper burial, and though i hoped to someday kill the wolf that so abruptly ended my fathers life, but that idea was lost in my depression and despair. It was an odd case, for there are limits on killing winged immortals. There are only two ways for a winged immortal to die, one is for them to starve to death, and the other is for them to be murdered by another winged immortal.
It is over now, and there is nothing i can do to change the past. I Haven’t heard from my relatives since then, or really any other immortal. I assume they all killed each other for food, and the others starved to death. I believe i am alone in this world besides the savage humans.
I landed from my morning flight, and realized my feet had gone black. though over the decades i had grown used to the cold, i was nearly amune to it, but i had to be careful not to let my blood freeze. So i went inside my once beautiful house. though it was depressing an old, it was very warm. I added a log to the fire, and sat down on my mothers favorite wing back chair. my father says it’s green like the smell of spring, i try to picture, but all i see is a light gray. Chairs are a difficult thing when you have wings on your back, it’s also very difficult to sleep. There are myths about immortals that would sleep upside-down like a bat, but when i tried, all my blood rushed into my head.
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This is just really awesome! But since I already told you how much I love it yesterday, I want to point out a couple of things :

"and though i hoped to someday kill the wolf that so abruptly ended my fathers life, but that idea was lost in my depression and despair."
you said and though... and didn't follow through with ending the thought.
"at first my parents suspected nothing, even though my wings were black, but when i was around 2 years old, my lips turned black, and a close family friend brought up the possibility of me being a monodeamon, they looked into it right away."
I think that sentence needs to be broken down into smaller sentences.
and then just this:
"no human would understand me, yet somehow, i have to love one of my own kind to break this awful curse."
This doesn't make a lot of sense dear!
I shall see you soon so talk to me then!
Overall, this has AMAZING potential and i really can't wait to hear more!
Wow Rachel! This is a truly powerful piece that I think has a lot of potential. From the sound of it, I think you will really enjoy delving deeper into this.
Remember to capitalize your 'i's.
Try to avoid using the same word too many times. If you become to repetitive, it becomes hard to keep up with the flow of the story. At the end there, I think you meant 'my' not 'me'.
"dwindle" would be for a plural. Example: The many stars dwindled away under the cover of the thick fog. Instead try:
"...the pond behind my house slowly dwindles behind the heavy snowfall."
See the difference?
The 'then' is unnecessary, and you use 'and' twice. A revised version of this sentence might be: "I faced the ground head first, twisting my body and tucking my wings close to my back as I fell into a nose dive."
That large paragraph in the middle needs to be broken up into smaller ones. Next Wednesday I can help you out finding where if you need it.
You contradict yourself a little here. Wasn't her father a winged immortal? If so, how could a wolf have killed him?
I don't really know why, but I love how you ended with this sentence. Somehow it just...works.
You've done an excellent job! I can't wait to find out more about your character. One thing that interests me is that we have yet to discover if the main character is a boy or a girl. Obviously, the voice of the character sounds very much like a girl, but it would be an odd twist if it turned out to be male. Anyway, I love it! Great job!
-Cheshire
First off, amazing work! I really enjoyed reading this. Here are the few things I noticed though:
Nitpicks:
One:
This sentence didn't make sense to me, Did you mean to say you have to love a human? The "yet, somehow" part doesnt fit if since you were talking about humans orginally and not your own kind.
Two:
This could be the start of a new paragrah. Either way, I think you should add some description about the land from your airbone veiw.
The first bolded part would sound better to me if you phrased it more like "as the air sliced into them, cutting at their soft white surface." As for the second bolded thing, I think it would fit better in the paragraph where you discuss your mother's hatred for you.
Three:
Really long run-on sentence. It can easily be fixed though. Just try something like "At first, my parents suspected nothing, even though my wings were black. But when I was two years old, my lips turned black too and a close family friend brought up the possibilty of me being a monodaemon. My parents, worried, checked into it right away."
Four:
The first bolded sentence seems awkward. I think it would flow better, and sound much more ominous, if you said "It was 30 years ago, when I was 399, that my father died." The second bolded word should be a new paragraph since it's a new dialouge. The third one would sounds better to me if it were reprashed more like "I gave him a proper buriel. I longed to kill the beast that had so apruptly ended my father's life, but the urge was lost in the midst of my depression and despair."
And that's it!
Overall:
I think you did a fantasic job! I really liked this piece and I hope that you write more
The things I think you should work on though or your capitalization, your paragraphs, and you run-on sentences. There were a lot of things that needed to be capitalized, but a simple re-read should let you fix that. The paragraphing's a bit more diffucult. It's hard to figure out where to end and begin one, but just remember that every new idea or dialouge deserves a new paragraph. As for the run-ons, you just have to becareful that your sentence dont strecth out to long. Semi-colons, hypens, and commas help a lot in this.
Anyway, I'm done now. One again, great job! PM if there's more or if you have any questions please :3