Published January 14, 2009
sorry it needs lot's of editing
i watch from the corner
but i never say
how i feel
day after day
she asks for more
she teases and moans
and so i cry when I'm alone
she's so hypocritical
and she thinks I'm so weak
but someday ill show her
ill stand up and speak
but she's like a hammer
and I'm always the nail
she pushes me down
so she wins and i fail
deep in the dirt
i sob all alone
for she pushes me out
of the place i call home
she is a monster
this girl i live with
and her evil glare
gives me chills, makes me stiff
They say shes the only
sister ill get
but while she gets the credit
I'm left with the debt
someday ill do it
just not today
someday i will
stand up and say
"all of these years
you've treated me unfair
and I'm sick of bringing you blankets
and brushing your hair
I'm won't be the nut
and let you be the squirrel
I'm not Cinderella
I'm just a girl
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Hey ray ray! as i said last night, this writing is INCREDIBLE!
with a little editing i think that all of the poem's that you showed me could be published and become famous. This one is really nice because i don't think this is ALWAYS what Amber's like, but you can tell that you are venting from all of the things that have happened over the years between you guys.
Ok, just a couple of hopefully helpful comments:
"I'm won't be the nut
and let you be the squirrel
I'm not Cinderella
I'm just a girl"
Ok, i love the squirrel and nut metaphor, but i don't think it is as good as it could be for your ending line, i think you need more closure because it ends to fast, maybe move the squirrel line to earlier in the poem?
Just an idea.
Then:
"she is a monster
this girl i live with
and her evil glare
gives me chills, makes me stiff"
hmmm, there is something wrong with this, maybe it's like how with and stiff rhyme? I dunno. Could be just me
And then just to end with something happy :
"They say shes the only
sister ill get
but while she gets the credit
I'm left with the debt"
I think that is my favorite line... just the way it flows maybe? either way very good!
love you lots dahling!
Hiya! First off, I thought your poem was really interesting.I especially liked the twist at the end (if indeed, it was a twist, maybe it's just me being stupid!
when you realise the narrator isn't a boyfriend, or even a friend but the girls sister.
I really liked your metaphor of the nail and the hammer, also.
Only a few improvments I would suggest..
"she asks for more
she teases and moans
and so i cry when I'm alone "
This verse is shorter than the others and ruins the rythmm of the piece.
"all of these years
you've treated me unfair
and I'm sick of bringing you blankets
and brushing your hair "
The "unfair" isn't good grammer, although it has been put there for rhyme, you may want to revise that line.
"I'm won't be the nut
and let you be the squirrel
I'm not Cinderella
I'm just a girl"
This verse has no rythmm any more. And the rhymes don't really work either. I would change a few of the words.
Punctuation as well, just sort that out (I know you know that, just reminding, sorry)
Otherwise, great final line, and great poem! Keep on writing!
(sorry, I don't know how to do quotes.)