Published January 13, 2009
The brisk morning breeze
crept through the cracked window,
but found the abode empty.
The old man, alas,
was not home.
Wherer was he?
The now curious breeze,
shuffled through his shrits
like a deck of cards.
His bed was made up,
his breakfast on the table,
but where was the old man?
He was at sea
in his fishing boat,
gone for the day.
The cold morning
drew mist from the ocean,
salty-smelling and chilly.
However, the old mans room,
was cozy and warm,
like a mothers pouch.
Then, the wind grew stronger,
and the slight breeze
became a rushing river.
Desperate for distruction,
ut disorganized his framed photos,
and ruffled the cloth by the door.
Starving for more,
it raged on
through the mans things.
Then, as suddenly
as it had come,
the strom left.
Leaving the mans house
quiet, still, calm,
but lonely.
The empty room yearned for company,
but would have to wait
untill the man showed.
the poor place waited,
and waited still.
Even through the beuising darkness of the night...
but the man never came.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Awesome poem. I loved it. Goes well with the painting at the bottom. =)
i enjoyed this piece. To be honest I did not see a direct connection between the poem and the artwork, but then again I am sure it served as inspiration for you. A spell check would have helped but besides that it was good. I got a good picture in my mind from your words. It was very different from the painting, but thats not a negative thing. It leaves us wondering who the man is, which is a great thing. I liked it.
Is this right? When I read about what the wind was doing to the room, I imagined it was mirroring what was happening to the old man fishing. Did he die at sea that day?
The beginning is my favorite.
Throughout, the images are great. Besides typographical errors, you missed apostrophes for possession, such as "the old man's room."
I though the "mother's pouch" bit was kinda bizarre. It made me think of a kangaroo.
Besides those things, I thought is was solid. I love the painting, and the piece fits it well.
Bravo!
rachel
Thats a nice piece.8.5/10!
Do go for the spell check once before you post your work,it just takes some seconds.
Its such a lovely work and those small unintentional typed words messes it up a bit.
But nevermind from the next time do so.
Carry on the good job.The whole idea of the poem was something new and touchable for the reader.
Way to go.
~Sayani~
Ahhhhh! Beautiful! I love it! The imagery and word choice was so profound and strong. Amazing. There is very little I can critique one, just a few little typos...
I think you meant 'Where'.
Spelled 'Destruction'
I think you meant 'it' and I'm not sure 'disorganized' is a word. It might be, but I'd double check.
Aww this was so sad but so exquisite. Can't wait to see more of your work.