Published October 23, 2007
On my final night
I watched the shining stars
They formed words I realized
I re-opened all my scars
I found my redemption
I opened my embrace
To the elegant and rare ones
I could almost barely taste
The stars burned into ashes
My scars began to bleed
Redemption was never there
Sorrow scribed a creed
I cried unto the sky
As compassion fell to me
it covered me with comfort
While showing my reality
I was bloody on the floor
An awkward dirty mess
Oh, shallow makeshift tragedy
whose thorns I still caress
On crimson I got lost
Life had nowhere left to hide
I conducted a beautiful funeral
For my intimate suicide
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141,746 Literary Works • 675,670 Reviews
Okay, let's start off nice and slowly here.
To my concern, there was a huge lack of flow here. In between the stanza's there did happen to be a bit of "flowiness" throughout the lines, and I think this is because of the rhyming. But as for creating flow to connect the stanza's it didn't quite work out. I got a feeling each stanza stood apart as a statement.
The first stanza is an exception and feels like every line within that stanza is a statement. I'm afraid not even the rhyming adds up to this tacky flow.
At some places the rhyme seemed forced, as if you've arranged the words just in order to make it rhyme. Which might be the cause of the poem's lack of flow.
Descriptions, descriptions. First of all, this topic isn't one we haven't seen before and therefor in order to just give the slightest feeling of amaze towards the reader, you must find a way to come out of your emotions in a way that doesn't make it sound so overdone. One way of doing that is to describe, by using descriptions of course. Go deeper into what you are feeling and create a new imaginary.
That's that.
Cheerios, Chandni