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the path of glass

by munira007


A few days ago.. i completed my examination for 8th grade accomplishment...i got a lot of time to to play...listen to songs,watch TV,  and to do much more things...but in a meantime i found it really horrible to spend time by remaining idle in this way... i thought... i surf...i detect...i turn around...but unfortunately ..now i find all these opportunities ....for which i was waiting one year .... are really useless ..

There's a window in my room..that has no  speciality..the window is not remarkable.... but when i use to look outside across the window...something peeps in my mind..which is hard to describe...

I use to look at the sky.It reminds me my childhood...reminds me a Portrait of 10 years ago...

i can see the clouds...like cotton candies....surfing like a ship in deep blue poly packet which we use to call sky made with different gases.... which has no bound...which has no limit..

All the circumstances that the sky make... i can see the circumstances all around ...sky..the life ..throw its expandation to the life of the third planet of the solar system...

i have nothing to do..i have nothing to think..i look at the sky ...i can see the horizom in a twinkle of my eye...


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46 Reviews


Points: 5
Reviews: 46

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Sun Nov 22, 2015 4:09 pm
KingQueenKnave wrote a review...



I personally believe this work possesses a zen-like genius. Beneath the unintentionally poor grammar and the rather open-ended storyline, there is an endearing quality to it. There is something about it that makes me smile, that makes me laugh, because in all practicality I should not like this work. This has everything I would normally dislike about a piece of work. Instead, I am pleasantly surprised to find that this work is really good, in spite of- or, more honestly, because of its flaw.

So, instead of commas, you use ellipses. This is a technique that can be found in Naked Lunch by William Burroughs. However, I do not think it was intentional on your part. Anyway, it becomes a little bit annoying, but still has a charm that comes through. I also find your story to be somewhat vague, subdued, and with a dark undercurrent, which appears to compliment the fragmented style. Take the following passage, for example.

i can see the clouds...like cotton candies....surfing like a ship in deep blue poly packet which we use to call sky made with different gases.... which has no bound...which has no limit..


The lack of punctuation creates a dreamlike image, which you describe with ease, a scene as light as a feather. I like the never-ending sentence, too.

A few days ago.. i completed my examination for 8th grade accomplishment...i got a lot of time to to play...listen to songs,watch TV, and to do much more things...but in a meantime i found it really horrible to spend time by remaining idle in this way... i thought... i surf...i detect...i turn around...but unfortunately ..now i find all these opportunities ....for which i was waiting one year .... are really useless ..


This opening really got me. I wasn't sure how to react, if I'm honest. I was put off by the writing style, but the themes expressed here are open to interpretation. An examination, met with hobbies, but a feeling of sadness and depression. I really do like the ellipses. They really are charming little things.

i have nothing to do..i have nothing to think..i look at the sky ...i can see the horizom in a twinkle of my eye...


That little rhyme of "sky" and "eye" is a bit cheesy and awkward, and that is exactly why I love it as an ending.

I found great joy in reading this work. It is an unintentionally weird and wonderful piece.




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19 Reviews


Points: 647
Reviews: 19

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Sun Nov 22, 2015 3:21 pm
caliginous wrote a review...



~Ello, caliginous here~

Welcome, welcome! I hope you love YWS so far! I love this story(?) I don't really know what to call it. Anyway, I have a few suggestions.

First of all, that's a lot of ellipses right there. A lot. In my opinion, a few too many. As a reader, I want to be able to read through the story without pausing . . . after . . . every . . . word. You see what I'm saying? I like the idea of the ellipses, but hold back a little. Put them only in spots you definitely feel should have them. This would help the flow of the story and make it much easier and more enjoyable to read. Not to mention, curing some run-on sentences that are taking over in there.

Unless I am missing something, the first paragraph seems to have basically no relation to the second paragraph. They're two completely different and separate ideas. If there is a relation that just didn't jump out at me, try to highlight it. Make it jump out. End the first paragraph with that relation, or start the next paragraph with it, you could even do both.

Back to the ellipses. In some places they have two dots, in others they have three or four, and sometimes there are spaces before and/or after them, but sometimes there are not. With the dots, three would be correct. Unless you are ending a sentence; in this case it would be four because of the period at the end. And apparently there are spaces in them? I looked it up. This is what Google said: "Use THREE dots, tapping your space bar before and after each one, to indicate an omission within a sentence, to join sentence fragments, or to indicate an intentional trailing off of a complete sentence. Use FOUR dots, with the first dot smashed up against the letter preceding it, when a complete sentence precedes your ellipses: 'My choice was agonizing. . . . Yes. I’d do it. I’d do it!'" I wasn't aware of these rules myself. Well, you learn something new everyday.

Now a few other things I will address:
•2nd Paragraph: Perhaps use the word "significance" instead of "speciality" to get your point across easily.
•2nd Paragraph: Use a different word in place of "peeps" to allow the sentence more clarity.
•3rd Paragraph: Small errors. Make sure there's a space after that period and "Portrait" should not be capitalized.
•4th Paragraph: "like tufts of cotton candy" would make more sense than "like cotton candies".
•5th Paragraph: I don't really understand what's going on with the "circumstances" here. Maybe reword it or explain it better?
•5th Paragraph: "Makes" not "make", and "throws" not "throw".
•5th Paragraph: "expandation" What word were you going for here? Expansion?
•6th Paragraph: "Horizon" not "horizom". I know this is just a typo, but I'm being picky right now.

Overall, this is a beautiful story. And of course, once again, WELCOME TO YWS!!!!

~caliginous





A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb