Published December 29, 2012
People always talk about the Fishers. Although I don’t believe anyone knows the truth. I’d bet all my money, even though there’s not much to bet, that there are so many rumors that no one will ever be able to find the truth.
Most people, like old Jay, say it was ghosts who scared them off. However, everyone knows that those folks are superstitious. Some people say it was the howl of the wind through the trees. Some think the Fishers had left just because of the lifestyle; maybe it was too hard for former city-folk to handle. I did agree that living on the country side wasn’t easy. But, I don’t think that was the case for the Fishers.
Now, I suppose you would like to hear what started all these rumors, and I’ll tell you.
The Fishers bought the new white house a few years back. They had never really lived in it until this spring. Before, they’d been moving back and forth from their apartment in New York City to the new house. But this winter, they had decided to stay put and had stopped renting the apartment in the beginning of spring.
When they had fully moved into the white house, they had a party to meet the neighbors. The Fishers daughter was five years of age, and there were many young people in the neighborhood. Madeleine made friends quickly.
In the early summer, neighbors said the Fishers had been complaining about the noises they heard at night, but none of the neighbors heard the noises the Fishers had described.
Over a few weeks, some of the neighborhood kids didn’t want to play with little Madeleine anymore. They told their parents that she started to play strange games, not the normal Hopscotch. After a while, most of the children in the neighborhood tried to avoid her. She began staying inside.
Her former friends called her ‘Mad Madeleine’ because it was like she was being kept in an asylum.
After a month or two, the Fishers reported more and more strange noises, but now they heard them in the day light too. They had an inspector check to see if there were any signs of rodents, but he found nothing.
Suddenly one day, early in the morning, some folks say that they saw the Fishers drive away in their dark green car. The Fishers hadn’t said anything about leaving the small town, but they still haven’t come back to their white house. No one thinks they will.
You can see how all these rumors began, can’t you? Who would just leave a town and their house and almost everything they own, without saying anything to anybody? That’s the mystery.
I have wanted to go to the white house since they’ve been gone. I love to explore, and I would very much like to write for the newspaper someday. Maybe if I write a good story about something people are interested in, then I will get a job writing for the local news paper. This house is definitely something people are interested in.
Today I decided to take a small journey over to the white house. It is a couple miles from my home, not a far walk.
While I make lunch, I’m thinking about what I could discover about the Fishers. My mind wanders to what I will find inside the white house, probably left behind furniture. Hopefully the house will not be locked.
I’ve packed a bag, containing items like a pen and paper, and a camera. I start my journey to the white house. It’s a very nice day; the smell of fall is in the air. I love that smell. It’s rather warm outside, but I still need a coat. The breeze is rustling the tree leaves, their colors are gorgeous. I take a picture.
After a while, I can see the roofs of more houses.
I come to the street and I turn. I can see the white house from where I am. There is someone in front of the house.
I walk up to an older-looking man; he has brown hair, his face is rather skinny with strong cheek bones and angry-looking eyebrows.
He is looking at a painting. The paint is still wet on the canvas. The strokes of a paintbrush have created a house. The house he is facing towards.
“Did you paint that?” I ask him. I realize it was a silly question: no one else was around to paint it but him.
He looks at me, a sort of surprised look on his face. If I was him, I wouldn’t have expected me either.
“Er. Yes, I did.”
“It’s very nice.”
He looks at me; I can tell he’s still a bit confused.
“.. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Kesli Kruzel.” I add.
“I’m Edward Hopper.” I shake his hand.
“If you don’t mind me asking, why did you paint that house?” I ask him.
“I like to paint houses and landscapes, especially when they have a story.” He explains.
Well, this house does have a story.
“Oh. . .”
“I will be heading off now, I need to be home for supper.” He bends down to grab his paint brushes and pallet. He places them in a black bag and straightens up.
“Okay. It was nice to meet you.” I smile and take one more glance at the painting. It was very well done.
“Goodbye.”
I tread through the overgrown grass to the front door of the house. The house still looked somewhat new, and the door knob was shiny brass. I look back to the man; he was now getting in his car. I twist the door knob, and push forward slightly. It’s locked. I let go and move on to the side door. Twist, push. . . The door swings open slowly, like it hasn’t been opened in a hundred years. I hear the car start and drive off. I step inside.
The floor is dark brown wood. The walls are nice neutral colors like light brown and yellow. There is delicate molding between the ceiling and the wall. I walk through the first level of the house for a while. I come to the sitting room: it has a black wood stove and a beige sofa. I sit down on it. It’s soft and comfortable. I run my fingers along the arm of the sofa as I think.
I suppose I’ll stay here for a while, and see if I hear any of those “strange noises”. I pull out my lunch and eat.
A half hour later, I find myself not really thinking, just staring at the wall. I stand up and go to the window. The sun is getting lower to the ground. I need to look around upstairs and then go home. I stand there for a while, thinking about the man and his painting.
Somehow, I keep getting distracted. I look to the doorway that leads to the stairs. I start walking towards it, when suddenly I hear a noise from upstairs. Like a deep clunk sound. I freeze. I wonder if I imagined that sound, or if it was real. It sounded quite real to me.
I shake my head. Silly me, trying to scare myself!
Somehow I convince myself to keep walking, when I reach the staircase, I breathe in deeply, and begin the climb. When I get to the landing, all three doors are closed in the hallway, which makes it rather dark. As I hold my breath, I walk to the door farthest from me, and slowly twist and push the door open.
I walk into what must have been the Mr. and Mrs. Fishers room. I sigh, relived that I found nothing but a well-sized bed against the left wall and a wooden bureau on the far wall. The bed sheets were pushed into the middle, like both sides of the covers had been quickly thrown back by the people who had been in it. I leave that room and go to the next door. Twist and push. The door opens into a small bathroom. Turning away, I look at the last door.
There’s only one room now. I go to it and open the door. Light pink walls and a shaggy white carpet. It looked like a room any young girl would want. There was only one window, so it wasn’t bright like her parents room was. The twin bed sat next to the window, it was made. Why would you bother fixing your bed if you weren’t going to ever see it again?
I look out the window, the sky was turning a bright pink and orange, the sun was beginning to set. I thought about taking a picture, but it wouldn’t come out well since the window wasn’t clean. I decided to take a picture once I got outside.
I leave the window, back to the hallway I go. I hear something, like the noise I had heard a little while before, but I ignore it. As I start down the stairs, I slip, but catch my self.
I take one more step down; I’m not so lucky this time. I tumble down the rest of the stairs, and slam my head very hard on the floor. I feel blood leaking out of my mouth. Everything goes foggy, but before the rest of my vision blurs, I see a face. Now, I had never seen Madeleine, but the face I saw then was how I pictured her. Her ghostly face stared down at me. Maybe the reason why she made her bed was because she never had really left. But now I would never know.
Everything goes black. I can’t hear, I can’t smell, and I can’t see. You can’t imagine how dark my world is.
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Hi Munchkin,
I liked the way this piece was put together, and I also have some helpful critiques.
First of all, the plot line was interesting, but I do have some confusion as to what the initial strange noises were. I get that Madeline became a crazy ghost-like thing but what was making the noises, and what was making the noises back when the normal Fishers were living in the house?
I did like the way you drew the reader in by speaking of the rumors, but when the actions starts happening and the protagonist starts investigating, you write in present tense. I wouldn't recommend this because it comes off as unnatural, but if you're set on keeping it as is then make it more action-like.
Finally, I would love more emotion from the main character! Who is she? What is she thinking? What are her hopes and fears about this awesome adventure - or is she just the typical adventurous type?
You have a good foundation for this short story, but keep on going and make it great!
Best Wishes,
-Scout
Hello there, Munchkin. I'm Rose, and I'm here to share my thoughts on this piece.
Overall, this is a nice piece of work. My favorite part of it is the way you've structured it. I can tell you've put some thought into it. First, you grabbed my attention by telling me the story of the Fishers and their experiences in the house. I was expecting you to launch into an in-depth recollection of the Fishers' story and attempt to horrify me by telling me about what happened to them, but instead, you wrapped up the Fishers' role in your story and launched into your main character's story instead. You kept me interested by changing the direction your story was going in. Nice!
As much as I liked this story, I do have a few criticisms. First, I would've liked to have learned more about your main character. How old is he/she? Did he/she know the Fishers well? Tying your main character's background into your story is a wonderful way to give your story depth, to make your readers identify with your character and want to read more. When readers love your characters, they love to read about your characters.
"I've packed a bag, containing items like a pen and paper, and a camera. I start my journey to the white house. It’s a very nice day; the smell of fall is in the air. I love that smell. It’s rather warm outside, but I still need a coat. The breeze is rustling the tree leaves, their colors are gorgeous. I take a picture."
Keep an eye on how your writing flows. In the portion of your writing that I've included above, most of your sentences start with the words "I" and "it's." If you start too many of your sentences in the same way, it's easy for your writing to feel choppy.
"After packing my bags with items such as a camera, pen, and paper, I start my journey to the white house. It's a very nice day; the smell of fall is in the air. Although it's warm outside, I still need a coat; I shiver as the breeze rustles colorful leaves. I take a picture."
My example isn't perfect, but I think it serves its purpose. By mixing up the way you start your sentences and blending some of your sentences together, your writing will flow much better than if you start all of your sentences in the same way.
"Everything goes black. I can’t hear, I can’t smell, and I can’t see. You can’t imagine how dark my world is."
I'm not a big fan of this. It feels like a steretoypical horror story ending.
My suggestions are just those: suggestions. If you disagree with them, disregard them. At the end of the day, your opinion concerning your work is paramount. Do not sacrifice it for anything or anyone.
Always keep writing! If you ever need anything reviewed, feel free to let me know, okay?
Nice work!
-Rose
Hello there
Also, tell me what this character looks like. Is he short? Tall? Thin? Bulky? Fat? Muscular? Does he have red hair? Is he a ginger? Does he have black hair? Does he have a soul..(well, probably not anymore, because Madeleine probably ate it... moving on..)
Very well done on the creepy-scale. I really enjoyed it, and I think you have some great things going for you here.
A few things I'm unclear about, though, first : what was the significance of the guy sitting there painting this house? Was he just an add-on character, like an extra? Did he signify something? He just seemed to be one of those odd quirks in the piece that didn't quite fit with the rest of it, that's why I'm asking.
Over a few weeks, some of the neighborhood kids didn't want to play with little Madeleine anymore.
--This was the number one thing that flared up a red flag for me, and added to the creepiness of it all. This little, cheerful, playful girl secluded herself... red alarm for me, points for you. Great job.
I suppose I’ll stay here for a while, and see if I hear any of those “strange noises”. I pull out my lunch and eat.
--Red flag number two. You do a fantastic job of adding to the tension and suspense. Quick thing: Were those strange noises caused by this little girl? Is that why the family left, because of her? Or did she die shortly before they left? Because the character heard the sound and then thought they saw Madeleine.. hmm.. even more creepy
Everything goes black. I can’t hear, I can’t smell, and I can’t see. You can’t imagine how dark my world is.
--Creep-tastic. This sort of left me hanging on with tons of questions about this character, sort of like a Stephen King novel.. (i meant that as a compliment, not an insult.)
Overall, great things happened in this piece. Now, add more details about your character. I saw the name once in the story, and sometimes a character's name can really help the reader visualize what they look like. Using it more than once won't kill you, I promise
The point is details are a writers best friend. All they will do is add to the scene and too the emotion, in this case the fear, that you want your audience to feel. Feelings are also key. Show the audience what this character is feeling, and tell that with expressions, sights, smells, tastes, feelings, and sounds.
Still looking back at that ending...giving me shivers.
Great job. Feel free to PM me, should you need me in the future
Keep writing, stay scary,
Ash
Hello Munchkin!

Just stopped by to have a look at your story so here we go.
I quite enjoyed this story. I've always kind of enjoyed the Supernatural and ghosts, so I guess I gravitated towards it.
I just have a few things I wanted to point out. First I would say is the style of it. I liked the first person style and how occasionally you were addressing the reader and bringing them along for the ride. However, I think you need to switch up the type of sentences you use. You could've meant to do this of course but what I mean is that you start a lot of sentences with 'I did this.' And the sentences are quite short, so then it kind of ends up reading like 'I did this. I then did that. I went over here. I stepped over there.' And it gets a little repetitive and tedious so I think you need to try and vary your sentences a little.
In regards to the story, I thought the set-up was really good and got me interested in what happened to the Fishers and what Kesli (great name) might find at the house. However, I think that the set-up is kind of wasted because you seem in such a rush to get to the end with Madeleine. I think it would work better, or make it more eerie, if you were to spend a little more time with Kesli in the house then you could ramp up the tension. You could creep the reader out more with the noises, with strange things happening. Perhaps you know of The Woman in Black? Maybe have a look at how the author makes that so creepy. At the moment it's a little fast, she hears the sound and then BOOM she's dead, or at least passed out.
And one last thing, I think I would like to see the painter take more of a role within the story. At the moment he's just there...for no apparent reason. Everything you do in a story should have a reason for being there, otherwise it's just taking up space. So I would like to see you work him in somehow. Plus he's quite interesting and seemed as though he had more to tell.
But I think you definitely have a good idea in this and with a little more work you could have something really good.
If you have any questions then feel free to PM me
Bex x
Thanks!
So, I just wanted to let you know that this was my first short story (actually, story just in general.. I don't write. I don't like it. XP My sister told me to post it and so I decided to do so.). There are reasons for weird things, like the painter and why the story was sort of hurried. So, the reasons were these: I had to make a short story for a class (Language Arts) and it had to be 2-3 pages long and it was already too long (even though my teacher wouldn't care if it was too long, I'm sure..). And, I had to base my picture off of a painting (of a white house), and the painting was by Edward Hopper.
So I just kind of felt that I wanted to have that dude in there, and I also do feel like he's a little random. :/ 
But, thank you so much for everything, I really appreciate it!!
Munchkin