sometimes i

mrschaos wrote:Sometimes I wish you could see through my eyes
Watch my life flash like a busted light bulb I don't think flash looks right either.
Sometimes I wish my dreams were your reality
So you would know how it feels to be me

Sometimes I wish you were in my shoes
Walking the paths you laid for me I don't think this line sounds right.
Sometimes I wish you listened to yourself speak
So you could hear your own harsh words

Sometimes I wonder if all you see me as is a puppet
Am I the puppet you make live the life you didn't?
Sometimes I wonder if you realize what you don't say hurts
Like falling on broken glass This is one of the places that you use imagry, and I think you need more because it doesn't sound right alone.

Sometimes I wonder if when I cry you notice On the line after it just seems to break flow and it doesn't look right to me.
My eyes stream but your shoulder isn't there to greet them
Sometimes I wonder if you love me
Like a mother should

You lack major punctuation and it makes it look choppy. I think that more imagry and better flow would suit this poem better. It has major potential, I understood how you felt, but just becuase I feel the same way. Keep trying.
-Flower-

It's a good start, but I think you should put some more work into this poem. A lot of the images you use are common, and you don't go into them enough to give your own twist to them.

Watch my life flash like a busted light bulb

I like this image, but perhaps 'flash' isn't the proper word: it implies, at least to me, something really bright, which I do not think is what you were going for here.

I'd also suggest looking over your tenses: they're kind of iffy in places.

Nice start, though. Just try to give it a bit more thought, and polish it more.