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No One Knows

by mphillips


Hey ya'll-this is just the beginning of one of my stories. I'll post the rest if anyone wants. I just thought I'd keep this short...idk...ya ok...here it goes...

I ran fast-faster than I'd ever run before. They were after me, and I had to escape. If not, all hope would be lost along with the world. My legs moved faster when thinking about what was my burden. Fear. No, I was not scared, not scared at all. Why should I be scared? Only the fate of the world rested on my shoulders. If they caught me, I and everyone else would die. Plus, the things chasing me were faster, stronger, not smarter, definitely not, but unreal. Literally, they were mythical, fake, fantasized, and scientifically nonexistent. No, there was no reason to be scared.

My foot caught on a branch, and I fell. The ground was hard, and dirt filled my mouth. A stick scraped against my face, and I brushed my hand by the pain. Blood was on my hand. It hurt, but I had to keep going. Where, though? Where would I be safe? They were searching for me everywhere. There was nowhere I could hide, no place safe enough, but I had to save the earth, this unsafe planet. Why should I save it though, when it can't even protect me from its own predators?

A branch snapped nearby; they were close now. I needed to run again. I wouldn’t die; I would live not for the world but for myself. I deserved to survive, for I'd let the world and all its habitants live for much longer than expected. They were predicted to fall many years ago, but no. I had to find it. The crystal was meant to be crushed by them, but somehow I beat them to it.

I was running again. They were closer now; their footsteps I could hear. Now I was scared for my life. I could not let them get me. I know this sounds immature, but I wanted my mom. If ever you are in my position, you will be wishing you were in your house with your mom too with her arms wrapped around you and her soothing words soaking into your brain.

I heard their breathing now. They were gaining, and my legs were beginning to hurt. My side ached; sweat dripped in my eyes. Trees blurred with everything else within eyesight. I was tired-too tired to be running away from killers. I couldn't make it much longer.

Their warm breaths were breezing on my neck now. You would think that a thing so awful would have an awful smelling breath, but it felt good, better than the cold air that was stinging my skin. I felt fingers wrap around my waist. I felt them burn into my flesh. Screams of agony rose into the air but were muffled by the trees above. They had me. I-we are going to die. I'm sorry, truly. Everything went black. My eyes opened.

I was awake. They were coming. I had to run to save the world. The worst thing was no one but the destroyers and I knew.


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9 Reviews


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Thu Jul 30, 2009 5:04 pm
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skjold wrote a review...



ya i have to agree with sister nebraska. you don't want to have redundancy, it can make a story become boring when you use one word too many times.

you should also add more emotion to the main character. tell more about how he- she is thinking and feeling.
you should also describe the setting more. i got the impression that it was a forest in autumn-spring- or summer. add more description about the lighting and time of day. what kind of forest is it, is the weather hot, dry of wet. add more stuff like that.

what i liked about it was that you kept the main character anonymous. you kept him-her mysterious, as with her predicament.

overall i kinda liked it
skjold




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Fri Jan 14, 2005 8:29 pm
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dreaming_mouse wrote a review...



I ran fast-faster than I'd ever run before.


Try; I ran faster, faster than I'd ever run before. I thought the - was a little bit unclear and I misread it, I read it as one word which didn't make any sense.

If they caught me, I and everyone else would die. Plus, the things chasing me were faster, stronger, not smarter, definitely not, but unreal. Literally, they were mythical, fake, fantasized, and scientifically nonexistent. No, there was no reason to be scared.


Read this sentence out loud to yourself because I've had to reread it a few times because it didn't make sense. When you read out loud I find you realise where you should pause or where you shouldn't and it helps you to decide whether the reader can understand what you're writing.

The second paragraph needs more description - how is the character feeling? You've mention pain but what kind of pain? The reader can't get an idea of what the character is feeling unless you tell them or describe it. You don't describe the character very much, it's almost as if they don't have any feelings. You've said they're not scared but what are they? Do they feel any panic, excitement etc...

Your sentences are sometimes too short and abrupt, I found myself loosing interest as I read this which is a shame because I think this could be something really good and exciting to read. You need to build up more feelings for your character so that the reader can feel more sympathetic or scared for them, when I was reading this I didn't really feel anything for the character.

When you mention the crystal it's just like you've just thrown it in - I think you should possibly say more about this crystal because it obviously has some importance to the storyline.

You need to describe your setting more as I didn't really understand what was going on, was this taking place in the night, in a village or what? I think that if you can give an idea to your setting it might make the story more interesting.

I think this could be something good if you could just add a bit more detail. And when you've finished writing it read it out loud to yourself to see if it reads smoothly or if there are some rough sentences.
Hope this helped :)




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Mon Jan 10, 2005 1:02 am
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Sam wrote a review...



What is it with you fantasy people and crystals? *lol*

*

Ok, you use the word 'fast' and all the other forms of 'fast' way too many times in the first paragraph. Use a different word! It's clunky and uninteresting after awhile to the reader.

What I didn't like about this piece, however (sorry, I just critique as it comes to me!) is how the protagonist keeps saying he/she's gonna 'save the world' and all that junk. It's too, well, CHEESY, in my opinion. All the major heroes, for, example, Paul Revere, never knew that they might save the world (or in this case, a future country). They might not even know that they were doing something heroic or even important. So bragging about how you're going to save the world even though you don't especially care for it doesn't work too well.

Second Paragraph- how did this guy/girl FEEL when they stumbled and bashed up their face? Sure, you say 'brushed your hand by the pain', but you don't really tell us how that person felt about the pain. Was it stabbing? Stinging? Annoying? If they'd fallen down and they didn't particualary care for Planet Earth anyway, why did they have the guts to get up and keep going? Why didn't they just give it up and get eaten by whatever was chasing them?

Third Paragraph- who is this nameless 'they' that is chasing this person? We can sympathize more with the narrator is getting chased by. If they're in reality being chased by a happy elf trying to give them a hug, it makes us feel stupid once we figure that out, if ever. If it is indeed a happy elf, that would certainly be humorous so tell us at the beginning that this is supposed to be comical that they're making this huge fuss about it. If it's a giant, bloodsucking monster...well, tell us that! Then we get the whole 'Oh, this is supposed to be scary' vibe.

'They had me. I-we are going to die. I'm sorry, truly. Everything went black. My eyes opened.

I was awake. They were coming. I had to run to save the world. The worst thing was no one but the destroyers and I knew.'

This is super confusing. OK, first this person is caught, and then suddenly they wake up and they aren't? And who and why is this person apoligizing??? Reading a story shouldn't make me so confuzzled...:D

I was pretty honest and harsh...but let me tell you, I did enjoy this piece somewhat. If you've got more, I'd like to read it. :D





They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.
— Kurt Cobain