A poem: Grief

Hello! I'm sorry for your loss, first off.

So the concept of this poem was pretty cool, and for once, I didn't hate all of the rhymes. I do think a lot of them were forced though. You don't need to rhyme all the time, so go back through the poem and pick out spots that you wouldn't have said what you said if it weren't for the rhyme, understand? If you need help, I can go through and tell you every single pair of rhymes that I thought were forced, but I'm sure you can look through this with a critical eye and decide that for yourself. Just know that there were more than a few rhymes that sounded really forced and awkward to me. I kind of like the fact that there's no rhyme scheme. Usually you need that, but this time, I think it works!

Second: Formatting. YWS can be hard to format poems on. This /needs/ to be broken up into more palatable stanzas. Stanzas are super important for the audience to keep paying attention. If you don't know how to format on YWS, let me know, and I'll give you all the help I can.

The next thing is similar to the last: this is too long. I got bored as a reader and just sort of skimmed toward the end. You are too wordy. You need to cut out unneeded things. If you've already expressed something clearly in one way, you don't need to express it in six other ways. I'll leave it up to you to decide what gets cut, but if I were you, I'd aim for something about half this size, to be honest. Maybe a liiiittle bit longer, but not much. You can do it, I'm sure.

You don't need "A poem:" in your title. People can figure out what it is. And usually if it is something like what you have, it's "Grief: A Poem" not the other way around.

Finally: try not to be cliche! It's hard to avoid, but you did pretty well through this.

I really liked the theme you had and the insights! I just think it was a little too long and the rhymes were pretty awkward in places, but great work otherwise! I can see you put a lot of hard work into this.

Great work!
Keep writing!
~fortis

1. trauma, not trama
2. I wouldn't rhyme this, because it makes it sound a little suessical and it's obviously very serious. Usually the format matches the tone, and this doesn't. Plus, several of them are forced and it detracts from the meaning. And, as I now realize after reading this again, there's no real rhyme scheme.
3. I would put a stanza break between each stage, just to break it up. So one right before the first stage, then the second, and so on.
4. Some I's are capitalized and some aren't. It needs to be uniform.

Since this is long and I have it so I can see one line at a time, that's how I'll critique it. The number will be the line number.
1. 'Grief is...' instead, so that there's a verb there.
2. Switch 'with' and 'usually' so there's better flow.
3. There has to be a better word than intermediate, since you have 3 stages (in the first part, but in the poem there's six? Continuity.), there are no real intermediate ones. Maybe something about how grief can't be defined by just five?
4. comma after 'me'
5. Omit this line; it's not needed.
6. add a dash, comma, or colon after 1st (and probably change it to 'first'). I'd do this for all of them.
7. Omit 'as a trial.' Like I said about forced rhyme, this just doesn't fit.
8. comma after 'while'
9. dash after 'smile'
10-15. I like these a lot, they're super cool, even though rhyme isn't my favorite it works well here. Add a period after 'blink.'
16. I'd extend 'doctor's' to 'doctor is,' but that's me.
17-18. Omit. These are confusing/bear no point in the poem.
19-20. Add an 'and' either after 'wrong' or before 'I.' Add a period after 'songs.' Remember, poems are punctuated like sentences.
21. Like I said about first-denial
22. 'I feel so pissed' sounds better than 'I'm just so pissed,' to me. Also, if you have end rhyme, you don't need intraline rhyme. It's too much.
23. Pick one or the other, or put a semicolon between.
24. I get what you're saying, really, but here it sounds whiny (I REALLY get it, I do), so I'd find a way to rephrase to make it sound more effectual.
25. Question mark at the end. Also, try to define who 'she' is before the end of the poem.
26. It went from she to you and it needs to stay with one. If you stay with 'you,' you need to define who 'you' is clearly in the line above.
27. Again, the forced rhyme takes away from the really emotional meaning here.
28. add some sort of punctuation after 'fair'
29. question mark at the end. Also, what does this have to do with anger? It's edging more into the depression category.
30. you vs. she.
31. comma after 'me,' and you probably only need 'screams' or 'blares'
32. I'd use a different word than 'sheath,' honestly. Rhyme.
33. Over/covering sounds better than 'to'
34. same as first
35. comma after 'this'
36. question mark after 'that'
37-38. periods at the end.
39. question mark after 'back'
40-42. Omit, they don't match the section.
43. same as first and second and third
44. 'it's' before 'a feeling' so it's clear you're referring back to depression; comma at the end.
46. period after call
48. 'that' before 'almost.' It sounds better. Period at the end.
49. omittable, or tie it in better.
50. dash after 'me'
53. 'my' before 'self destruction' would help the flow.
54. along with 53, I'd remove 'improved' and replace it with 'my' or just say 'for reconstruction'
55-60. Who is 'you?' Is it the reader or yourself or 'she?' It's confusing and needs to be specified.
60. 'and dreams to achieve' doesn't really fit.
61. dash after 'stage'
62. replace 'just' with 'usually', because it implies you've done this before.
63-64. These lines work a lot better rearranged without the rhyme scheme
65. switch 'terrible' and 'a'; put a comma after 'person.'
66. I like this line and the zeugma in it!
67. replace 'those' with 'these' and 'thought' with 'think' for tense-shift purposes
68. 'I think' instead; I still think 'blight' is weird and distracting
69. put 'and' before 'that'
70. Omit, it takes away from the meaning
71. add a comma after 'friends.' I'd add a line break and add the g back to 'losin' because the forced rhyme is really distracting.
73. Who is 'you' referring to here? add 'and' after 'up'
74-78. Who is 'you?'
77. 'trauma will stop' sounds better than 'trauma stops'
78. period at the end.
79. revelation vs revolution?
80. I'd switch 'emotionally' and 'open.'
81. same as the others
82. The reversed words are distracting; comma at the end
83. 'bout' usually refers to something short, and six stages doesn't appear short.
84. Whoooaaa she died? When? She was in a hospital the last time the reader saw her. We need to know when in the stages this happened.
85. Stay where?
86. But she's gone? Is she alive or dead? I'm confused.
87. Change to present tense. 'And at times I still weep' sounds so much better, and 'weeping' doesn't even really rhyme with 'living'
88. 'alive' sounds better than 'living'
89. comma after 'sorrow' and period at the end.
90. period after 'resolve'
91. semicolon at the end
92. period at the end
93. semicolon after 'live' and period at the end.
94. say 'I should be happy' because it sounds like you're commanding the reader. Comma/semicolon after 'live' and comma after 'times' and period at the end.
96. 'all can rise' or 'can all rise' so it's not a command.
97. omittable
99 omit 'we let'

Whoo! That was a long ride. I like how emotional and intimate this is. I do like it, despite what all my edits seem to suggest. I think you have a great message and it's incredibly empathetic. Very good job expressing how grief was unique to you and you still struggle with it sometimes. There's just some unclear things and a lot of grammar.