tonight the light in
my room is yellow
Mikey Spillane owns my bed
my fridge got no stickers only jello
I journey out of my
room in like 500 years
in brand new socks and ironed shirts
I breathe in the pop up Ads that interfere
her face ain’t oily
like before,
she’s all grown up. She asks me
when will I for sure?
we aren’t the mean
lovers
no longer we don’t hide underneath
galaxies of magenta bed covers
I’m assured of no
lies! no lies!
and I am assured of sincerity,
of ‘i’m done, ain’t taking it no more’s
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there mousetrap! Niteowl here to review for the Crafty Scribbles this fine Review Day!
Here are some things I like about this poem:
-There is a lot of good imagery and word play. I like hiding beneath "galaxies of magenta bed covers" and "I breathe in the pop-up ads".
-The title definitely drew me in.
Now some things I think could use reworking:
-The grammar. Yes, I know it's acceptable to buck convention in poetry, but some lines are really difficult to understand and it takes me out of the poem. Examples include "I journey out of my room in like 500 years" and "no longer we don’t hide underneath". I'm wondering also if your use of a rhyme scheme is contributing to this odd grammar.
-A minor quibble, but did you mean "Mickey Spillane" the mobster or crime novelist in the second line? I haven't heard of either, but I got way more hits then for "Mikey Spillane".
-The last stanza is kind of weak. Right now, it seems we have the speaker going out for the first time in ages to meet an old lover and he reminisces, but the last stanza leaves me unresolved and it takes away from what comes before. Given the title, it seems like a return to negative imagery (perhaps mirroring the beginning) would be appropriate, unless you were going for a happy ending (which I don't think you were).
Overall, I think you have some interesting lines, but the grammar is odd and I think the ending could be stronger. Keep writing!
Hi! It's Storygirl95 dropping by for a review of your poem!
Although parts of this poem I didn't quite understand(nor am I sure I'm supposed to), it still made me feel something. I can envision a character late at night wondering out to their kitchen and reflecting upon their life. It sounds like they have had a hard and harsh life over their years.
I think in response to the other reviewer, most of it is the background of the character. Maybe there's a mechanical error, but I got the feeling ain't and the other grammar choices were due to the narrator's life experiences. That's just what I perceive, anyway. Writing is all subjective!
I especially fell in love with the line, "her face ain't oily like before." We all have experienced growing up in some sort of way, and sometimes that's hard. We long for it all of our childhood, not knowing we'll be reaching back for the past. But that's part of life.
I found this piece to be very... human. The essence of character and human nature is seen even though it's short, and I really appreciate that.
Anyway. Sorry for my rambling. I think you did a wonderful job, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
Thanks for letting me haha. Keep writing!
Hi,
This poem is very different and creative. I suggest you use a word other than ain't, but that's just a suggestion. Some lines I find a bit confusing such as:
"My fridge got no stickers, only jello"
"I journey out of my room in 500 years"
"Her face ain't oily like before"
I personally find this piece quite confusing, and lacking of proper grammar. However I respect you're writing style, because all writers differentiate from one another.
-Mia
hi mia! thanks for reviewing.
when I say "My fridge got no stickers only jello" i mean to say the fridge has no stickers on it, meaning no memories. no graduation pictures, no drawings of your kid. it's devoid of any of that. it's boring. it's got only jello inside. which is sweet but not very satisfying.
by "I journey out of my room in like 500 years" I mean to say the narrator isn't the outdoorsy type, he's got no one so he's always in his room. thats why when he goes out in brand new socks and ironed shirts it feels like a long time, almost 500 years.
with "Her face ain't oily like before"
I mean the girl growing up. that is she's not a teenager anymore.