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(if anybody who knows me reads this I would like to note that I am NOT depressed or suicidal. Don't call the counselors on me again)
TW: Suicidal? Kind of? Depression writing?
Sitting at the edge of a building is a man.
All dressed up in his button up and black tie.
Just another office worker up at the dead of night
To most, there might not be a question, just someone taking a break on his office building’s roof.
But to the observant one, that might not be so
When viewing this they must ask, does he simply enjoy the view or what his location means
A whole city stretched out before him, interweaving streets and people going about their lives.
Yet, he focuses not on this vast expanse of opportunity and potential, but on the single street below
On top of this building, so isolated from this city, these people
What pushed him to this edge is behind him, a constant pressure
There appears to be only two choices:
Remain teetering on this edge or…
It’s a beautiful day that should not be wasted ruminating on such thoughts
This street below him, someone would have to clean up the mess or maybe deal with some property damage…
Inconveniencing, damaging even
The debt he incurred once he was born into this world
One step back
The price he must pay for taking love and life, time and money
One step back
His friends, family, maybe there were more than he once saw
Was that really what he wanted to leave behind?
So high…
He finally takes a look at what is around him
Many others on many other buildings, so different yet so similar
Maybe it wasn’t so bad
One step back
Maybe that’s what IS bad
One step forward
Ungrateful of his life
One step forward
Unworthy of his life
One step forward
Does he have the right to stand on this building at all?
Hanging off the edge
The debt remains
Just how many others are being pushed harder?
Just how many have the strength to fight back?
Well, it was never a competition
But he can’t just leave it here
If not for him, for those who might care about him
So for the time being,
He is content at the edge, looking at this bright, beautiful city on this bright, beautiful morning as the sun illuminates all for him to see
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Hi there, mous3!
This is very emotional! I really think you've captured a monotonous life quite well, and I think the narrator is applicable to so many different people and their lifestyles. At first, he thinks about inconvenience, property damage, debt, obligation, whether someone would have to clean up after him, etc. That makes me think a lot about life under capitalism, even if that wasn't your intention, haha! That is a really painful and honest angle because it shows a mind that has trouble seeing itself as loved but can still understand itself as something that affects others. I’d lean into that MORE deliberately in revision, because it is more unique than the broader "city full of opportunity" imagery.
Though, I did have a question: is the man stepping back because he rediscovers beauty, because he fears hurting others, because he feels guilty, or because he still believes he owes a debt? Those are very different kinds of 'choosing life,' and the ending would become stronger if it clarified which one is actually keeping him there.
On a revision level, I think the biggest opportunity is to make the content less explanatory. I am looking at this sentence in particular:
Yes, but why? The surrounding images could probably show that idea without the need to state it again. Is it something to do with the office behind him? Does he have any emails looming over him, or any deadlines? Does he feel sweaty in his nice dress shirt? Those are the kinds of mundane details to consider! Since the man is already dressed as an office worker, you have a wide variety of images that could complement the angle you're aiming for. Those details could make the writing feel more original and less generalized!
Very strong ending though! I like the restraint, and I thought it was a mature way to approach such a sensitive subject matter. The best version of this, to me, would lean into the idea of life as some form of debt. That's the stuff!
Let me know if you have any questions/comments about this review! c:
Aislynn
I'd like ot think that it's all of the above because it's never just one thing in life that pushes someone to the edge. Whether it's guilt for living, montony of life, or simply too livid with life to care for living at all, I think that while one thing is usually the tipping of the scales, it's rarely the whole weight on one side and likewise, someone's reason for living can be a bit of everything too. I did NOT word this very well now that I read the review lmao and I think it's actually so genius to symbolize what I meant with the setting I was going for. What I meant was that what pushed him to the edge, the "constant pressure", was life itself, all his experiences behind him, that kept pushing perpetually off that building and taking energy to avoid falling off, let alone step back completely. Anyway tysm for the review I will DEFINITELY try to incorporate these ideas into my next piece or a revision of this piece. Have a nice day!
I enjoyed this. What I find most compelling about this piece is the sense of indebtedness, which becomes increasingly complicated throughout the piece. His suffering has become entangled with morality. The central conflict is not simply whether the man wants to live, but whether he believes he has the right to exist without being able to justify that existence. The repetition of “one step back” and “one step forward” is probably the most effective structural device in the piece. Ordinarily, moving forward carries positive associations. Here, the symbolism is deliberately inverted.
There are, however, places where the writing could become stronger through greater restraint. Phrases such as “to the observant one” create a slight distance between the reader and the story because they instruct us how to interpret the scene rather than allowing us to discover its meaning ourselves. Rather than immediately explaining why the man's location is significant, the story could allow the reader to become suspicious of the scene gradually. That would make the eventual realization more powerful because the reader would participate in the process of interpreting the man instead of being given the interpretation in advance.
Thank you for this read.
Ooh okay I'll try to be more eloquent next time and try to immersify the experience a bit more to evoke more thought and emotion. I think you hit the nail on the head with the first bit because the justification for his existence is also the reason he thinks himself unworthy of existence. Tysm for the review and have a nice day!