The Recounting
My brother could be very annoying someti-
“LALALALALALALALALALALALALALA.”
My point exactly.
“Do we have to go to the mall?” my brother whined. “And can I at least get some gum from those machines?”
“We’re already more than halfway there. Do you seriously want us to take you all the way back home?” came my response.
“Yes.” My brother smiled cheesily, picking Doritos from his teeth.
I leaned my head against the window willing us to get there faster…
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Finally! We had arrived! I lifted my head up watching my mom pulling in. As quick as a flash, I had unbuckled and was pushing past my crazy brother to get out of the car. I ran into the building just ahead of my mom.
“Ok, let’s try Gap first for your back to school jeans.” My mom said, smiling at me.
“Yeah, sure I was also wondering if I could get-” I was cut off as my mom gasped, pointing to the escalator.
“What’s- oh.” I spun around to see what she was pointing at and suddenly understood her concern, MY brother was hanging on the outside rail of the escalator as it went up.
“WHEEEEEE!!!!!!”
“BrianClarkChapman!” My mom ran to the escalator with me at her heels.
“Uh-oh.” My brother saw my mom’s face, the smile dying on his lips…
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” My brother screamed running through the halls. “Make way, people! Make way!”
He never was the shy one.
My mom and two mall guards were already chasing him in circles around the upper level.
I on the other hand, was still on the first floor. My neck craned up to watch and my mouth open slightly with awe, as my brother led them around in circles. Being a mall guard doesn't exactly keep you in shape and these two were no exception. My mom, however, seemed to be doing well, high heels in one hand, phone in the other. She was telling him what exactly she was going to do to him, when we got home, here I’ll cut you in:
-I’M GOING TO KILL YOU I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES YOU’RE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU’RE THIRTY-FIVE I SWEAR I WILL CHAIN YOU TO A WALL-
That’s not the half of it. This was taking a while, so I pulled out my wallet and ordered a hot dog and a Coke and sat down on a bench to watch the scene unfolding before me.
My brother had been cornered on a blocked off section of the building and he was starting to look scared as my mom drew closer.
“Ummm.” My brother had run out of ways to escape.
He looked over the railing, then back at my mom, then over the railing, then back at my mom.
He jumped.
No I’m just kidding,
We drove straight home and when we arrived my mom did exactly what she said she would. Brian Chapman was forgotten and lost to time, to this day, there is but one living soul who knows of his existence: and that is me, dear reader. I hope you hated this story about this incredibly horrible, smelly, greedy, thoughtless, selfish, immature, annoying, ugly, unlovable person.
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140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
This is so good and very unexpected. I was looking for anything to amuse or entertain me, and this definitely did more than I thought it would. It was creative and unique, and I couldn't find any problems with it. I guess a better more positive-sounding word would be..errors? I don't know, but you get my point. Anything I could possibly find if I studied it was already said by anabelsinclair. You should keep on with it and post more! I would love to see what else comes out of that head of yours. Think, write, share. Have a good week and great job.
Wow. Not what I'd expected. I really like how the ending was different and how it kind of shocked me.
I really thought that the mom was just lying and that the brother would be punished, but not that extremely. The twists made it humorous and I found myself laughing at times while reading it.
I also like how you included the "just kidding" part. Not many stories have that and it makes this one very unique.
Overall, this story was a great read. Keep it up.
Well. I was not expecting a story like this, but I loved it. It was really funny, and I really got into it. The brother was funny, but I also liked the main character and how she is just standing off to the side as if this is totally normal (which it sounds like it is) and is very casual about the whole ordeal. I also like how you can clearly see each character's personality.
Another thing I was not expecting was the end. It was entertaining how the main character jokes with the reader (about him jumping but he really didn't). The last sentence also got me laughing. well, the entire piece overall had me laughing.
But, any nitpicks or errors were covered with the review below so I guess I'm not needed here but I'm gonna post this anyway.
Great story!
-Fire
^^
Whoa,
This was a trip from beginning to end! I don't know why, but I kept on picturing this scene enacted by the Incredibles, with your protagonist as Violet. Too funny.
You asked for a fine toothed comb, and I shall make a honest attempt.
Note the comma inserted.
You don't actually need the ellipse, as it tends to slow the pace of the scene. Consider adding a transitional action, such as him gasping or taking a deep breath, between the smile and the next line (AAArgh)
This otherwise becomes a long sentence, with quite a lot going on. Consider shortening to keep the flow tighter.
Otherwise, you can cut out the space and make it all one jumble of words for real crazy mom effect.
(props on the inventive threats though)
You may not need the first part of the next line though (And thats...). We're already in the protagonist's head at this point and can come to that conclusion on our own.
Actually, I loved it to bits.
Thank You!
Thank you for reviewing! I will definitely make some changes!