stay where you belong

Hey there, mounika! I can't wait to get into this. I have three things for you to think about when you write in the future--they're quite general, but I think you'll find them helpful.

Ready? Set? Go!

(1) Punctuation.

Punctuation in poetry doesn't always have to adhere to traditional grammatical roles, but it's important that you're making your words as clear as possible. In the future, I'd love for you to really think about the effect your punctuation is having on your writing, and the message you're communicating. You didn't use that much in this poem, but that doesn't mean there weren't opportunities for you to do so.

(2) Elevation of vocabulary.

I don't think English is your first language, but I do think that it's always worth it to invest in a thesaurus, or even go to thesaurus.com. Elevating your vocabulary and making your sentence structure more complex is something that can be accomplished by anyone. Here's something I recommend: a beta reader. In fact, as I've written to others... "They can be online or in person, but it's great to have a short-term editor for your poetry, especially if this isn't your first language. Plus, you can help them and they can help you--everyone wins! " I think you'll find them helpful, and I'd be happy to suggest one.

(3) And, finally... cliches.

It's hard to identify a cliche sometimes, especially if these are your real feelings, but there is definitely some risk involved with writing a love poem like this... cliche wise. I love your repetition of "the seat", which is effectively a metaphor for your devotion to him/her, but I feel like you can branch out more. Here's an article on cliches: http://www.westegg.com/cliche/.

Keep writing and don't forget to be awesome!
IronSpark

Hey, welcome to YWS! And I'll be reviewing your poem today.

This poem was very sweet and positive, though it did bittersweet moments. I liked how the character continues on being loyal even when the other character in the poem isn't so loyal or perhaps unappreciative. It had a good overall message which is admirable. I also liked the simplistic language you used which enabled the reader to follow along quite easily. The concept of merely a seat could actually be powerful, as it gives the imagery of someone physically being beside you at all times.

I do have some suggestions which may be of help to you.

"I will always save you a seat"

Here, I think your first line should end with a full stop or comma even.


"Or when the first act of play opens"

Seems like a word is missing here. I think it would read better if your wrote, "first act of *the* play".


"I would look for an empty one"

Here, you've changed tenses to "would", the rest of your poem is in present tense in the second lines, so it should say *will*.

"I will always save you a seat"

This phrase was used repeatedly, but not consistently. Either use this as your main stem line for the second line of each, or use a different one each time. I hope that makes sense.


"Even when I know you won't even come to me anymore"

I think this line was a little long, it had too many unnecessary words. Perhaps, *Even when I know you won't return" ? Something along those lines.


Overall, good job and keep writing! I hope this review was of help to you.

--Chips

Hello, priceofwords here!

This was a really sweet yet a sad poem at the same time, I love the way you start it so the narrator sounds loyal, almost happy that they will always be sat next to their friend because they have saved their seat for them. By the end, however, there is an overwhelming feeling of loss featured within the poem, as well as obviously sadness and a strong feeling of love the narrator has for the person who has left them alone. This makes the poem very bittersweet, as well as initiating a very interactive relationship between the author and the reader, so well done!

Some of the lines I particularly liked were,

'So when you come hurrying,' - this had a really nice ring to it.

'Even when I know you'll sit beside someone else
I will always save you a seat.'

I like the way you keep your lines straight and to the point throughout this piece of work, and it really stands out in these two lines!

I also like the way you gradually turn the emotions around, so that the narrator doesn't mind if they're late, they are still happy they are coming; but later on, when the person goes from being very late, to not coming at all, to choosing someone else to sit with, each line is like another stab of emotional pain into both the narrator and readers hearts.


One of the only things I would suggest you improve on would be just making the slightly longer lines a bit shorter if you can; the rhythm doesn't really match up with the majority of the poem which means it can appear a little fragmented. But this can easily be patched up.

Apart from that, your poem is really excellent, very sweet and emotive. Please keep writing, I look forward to seeing your next piece of work!

priceofwords