z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Smog

by mosedesmoulins


When I was your age, disease, infection and sickness ran rampant around the world, yet somehow we managed to survive. We lived in this constant cloud of fear, an unrelenting smog that refused to dissipate. This fog would follow us in the washrooms where we washed our hands, to the doctors offices where trained professionals would hastily push the pills that caused our pain into our greedy mouths that waited eagerly for the next pill to satisfy our unfeasible fix. 

I pray that in the next fifty years there will be new medicine, and better knowledge, and pills that will actually fix your problems. Above all else, I pray that one day, something or someone will come along that will lift the smog, and on that the day you will finally be able to live your life with a newfound clarity. 

Because something magical happens on the day you can wake up and open your eyes to see your life as it was designed to look; a life without smog. I can rest easily with the knowledge that one day you too will discover the pill that allows you to see through the smoke that this world has created. And when that day arrives, you will be able to see those around who are pulling you forward to a life that holds unimaginable success, and more importantly, you will find the toxic people whose only purpose in life is to drag others down into the depths of hopelessness, mediocrity and despair, which they call home. 

While others reach for the next pill, or the next needle, or the next miracle, I will rest easily tonight because I know that you will see through the smoke. You will stand tall, when others cough in the smoke. You will walk, while others crawl. You will fly, will others try to jump onto of each other for that next fix.

I look forward to the day when you too will be able to see through the smog.

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766 Reviews

Points: 650
Reviews: 766

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Tue Mar 22, 2016 4:39 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there mosedesmoulins. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. I haven't read an essay on YWS for awhile so when I came across your piece I figured why not. There is one little problem with the essay classification, this doesn't come across as an essay. It's more of a philosophical look at the past and future with a warning/message to other generations. I would classify this under "Other" instead of "Essay". The choice is yours but this doesn't seem to fit the essay parameters.

2. The title was certainly intriguing enough to draw me in. Usually I would go on for a paragraph or so trying to fix a title. I don't think that I will need to in this case. Congrats you have 1 out of the many possible points for this review from me. Want to earn another? Look at your first sentence of your first paragraph. This will be the second thing anyone sees and it feels a little bit weak and repetitive.

When I was your age, disease, infection and sickness ran rampant around the world, yet somehow we managed to survive.

It is obvious from the fact that you are re-telling this to someone, that you survived. You may want to consider rewording this. It is a good sentence but the "yet somehow we managed to survive" doesn't flow good. You could just re-word that phrase a little. Perhaps like this.
...but we managed to survive.

See how that isn't so wordy but still gets your point across.

3. The topic you chose is a pretty good one that has been moderately written about. It was a good comparison that you used in the last paragraph. I don't however see the need to move that separate thought all the way to the edge of the page. The bold was necessary to define it from the rest but the other seems to distract from the rest. It then has no relation to this long explanation you just gave. That's just something to think about.

4. Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry I couldn't be of anymore help. If you have any questions about this review or anything else feel free to PM me.
Have a nice day.
-lizzy




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279 Reviews

Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

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Tue Mar 22, 2016 1:18 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, here for a short review!

The title of your essay definitely caught my eye, but this certain story doesn't feel like an essay. More like a short story since the feel for it seems to be telling a story, rather than explaining a point. Perhaps more of a prologue for your novel. If this was an essay, perhaps think about what point you are going to move across. In other words, if you want to prove a point, write an essay. If you want to write something fictional, write a novel or short story.

Despite this being an essay, I like the idea you have going on. It certainly feels like a suspense type beginning to a long-lasting novel. However, the central idea that surrounds this feels a bit cliche. I feel I've read something similar to this sometime back, since it almost has that 'if the world ends, what would I do?' type of feel. I suggest just thinking outside the box, that way, it'll have some sort of new concept that you can play with.

Overall, this was an enjoyable read and hopefully I get to see some more works by you in the near future.

Steggy





Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
— Roy T. Bennett