z

Young Writers Society


12+

that cold december morning.

by morganoliviacm


It was a cold December morning when the sun rose high above the clouds and the sky turned to a beautiful mosaic of all the most stunning colors i could ever think of.

I'd been awake for an hour or two at this point, i couldn't sleep. you however, were sleeping off weeks of late nights and hard work.

I leaned in to you and kissed you softly on the head, just incase you could feel me through the unconscious layer.

You stirred peacefully in your sleep and nudged closer to me. Your eyes fluttered as the sun broke through a cloud and the light shone your face brightly and beautifully.

Your eyes opened fully and you looked up at me, and then the sky.

"That sunrise is gorgeous, but you, my love, are the most stunning mosaic i've seen yet." you said to me softly.

I smiled and gave a wholehearted laugh,

"go back to sleep, you need it." i urged you.

But of course, my constant obsession with you being ok wasn't relevant anymore. Before i knew it you were climbing out of bed and putting on a sweatshirt that had been worn for years and years, but never thrown out, despite the holes and stains that coated it.

I pushed myself up, straining all my sore limbs from the pain i endured the days leading up to this moment, and forced myself onto the cold hardwood floor that shocked my feet.

You looked back at me as I shivered a little bit and you threw the sweatshirt at me. I always teased you for it, but at this moment in time, I clung to the sweatshirt like it was my life.

It smelled fresh, not coated in cheap lysol cologne, but like earth, like the sun and the trees and the grass and the beautiful nature, it smelled like you.

The sun rose more and more and soon the colors faded, you grew more tired and as did I. Struggling to keep my eyes open, i walked back towards the bed, and turned the TV on to our favorite show.

You laid down beside me, putting your arm around me and pulling me close to your body. The morning was cold, but your body heat filled my soul with warmth.

I glanced up at you, only to find you staring down at me. I couldn't ignore the way I felt. It was real, I loved you, the moments I was with you felt like an eternity.

When you held me, it wasn't cuddly and cute like the movies, it was like I was home. I found my home.

When you kissed me, fireworks never exploded, instead I felt my whole world fade until i could only see you, the most important and shining star in the sky.

I couldn't ignore the way I felt looking into your eyes that cold December morning.

Days like those were special, I'll never forget them.

I close my eyes now, sitting on the roof of my suburban house watching the sun fade from a light blue sky to a deep dark black. Watching the sun go down as the colors spread across the sky the way they used to across your face in the morning.

I watched the sunset alone. I climbed back in through the window and laid next to you, sound asleep in bed. I closed my eyes and wished to be able to ignore the constant fear in my heart of what would happen the next morning.

I woke up that cold December morning and begged the world to give me more time with you.

Soon enough, the sun rose and the sky burst with gleaming colors, like a beautiful masterpiece.

You weren't asleep this time. You looked up at me watching the window.

"The colors are only there because of the reflection of the sun on the sky and the clouds. That's why you're different, you're not the reflection, you're the real thing." you whispered to me.

At that moment, I looked into your eyes, gleaming in the newly born light, and i fell in love again.

I hope I never forget that cold, colorful, beautiful, December morning. I hope i never forget the color of your eyes turning my dark sky into a mosaic of colors and visions of beauty. I hope I never forget you.


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Sun Oct 30, 2016 9:57 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

This poem feels more narrative-like to me though you do keep a poetic feel to it. I

You do a lot of repeating in this poem and it was one of the weaknesses of it for me. If you're going to repeat something, then you should do it for a reason. For example, you can repeat something to add onto it and add more detail than there was before. Another thing you could do is repeating it to create emphasis on it. A person can say "I like ice cream" once, and we know that they like ice cream, but if they say they like ice cream, say, three times, we know that they /really/ like ice cream. The amount of dead space between the repetition also accounts for this. If it's right beside each other, it'll be differently perceived by the reader than if it was at the end of the poem.

Some of the imagery here works well with me like the Lysol cologne but the other part of it seems like a mess and it doesn't really have a direction for me. One thing I did like that you were trying to do with this is cut down on the ideas of fireworks exploding when the speaker and their partner kiss or some other cliche like that. The only critique I really have on that is that the format of "it wasn't like" or "it wasn't" does get stale and you need to find a way to mix it up from that.

The end of the poem didn't really do anything for me, and I found the "I hope" repetitive. It was generic and didn't really do anything new. It tries to tie itself back to the start of the poem by mostly just saying the same thing as the first lines for the last lines, which could make for an interesting concept but it didn't work here. I wanted to see more inventive ways for the imagery to come into the poem but I didn't really get that here.

Describe the scene, describe the cold December morning with all of your five senses. How did it feel, look like, sound like, smell like, even taste like? This adds a sense of atmosphere to the poem. One thing I do have to say about the poem is that I love usages of real experiences in poetry, and it specifically strengthens love poetry, making it more distinct. The one thing that I think you could do is make it more down to earth, since it already is seemingly going for that tone, but with the colors in the sky and all that sort of cliched stuff it weighs down the poem and the parts that are good.

I hope this helped and have a great day!




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Mon Oct 17, 2016 7:43 am
mikey wrote a review...



Hello! it is Mikey for a review,

First, i would like to appreciate the wonderfull work you have done, i have really loved the imagery fostered in the work, it brings the very normal life situation one could expect.
Second, i would discourage too much use of short form expressions in your work like "you're, that's, i'll, i'd " this makes the work look not that formal enough.
Last, i think you just lacked some typing attention such that you were not that very keen on your punctuations, in some cases you used smsll letters immediately after a fullstop, in other cases you used capital letters after a comma.




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Mon Oct 17, 2016 1:09 am
dianaallenpoe says...



im in love w this





Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand