Published December 16, 2007
Carry, carry, carry-on Crows
black gloss against the sky.
Gleaming pinions rustling
sleek dark forms hustling
through the bitter winter air.
Carry, carry, carry-on Crows
perching upon a branch.
The flock's all here
perform your leer
and lift off, all, as one.
Carry, carry, carry-on Crows
how far must you fly?
The earth-bound beasts are gazing
your fire-eyes are blazing
as you soar
away
from here.
Meep. O.O
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
I think you commented on some of my stuff so i'll coment on yours-
This was awesome and so original and i like originality. (is that even a word? well you know what i mean!)
mimi!
Ooh, quite nice. Carry-on crows...that's pretty genius.
Overall, I thought this was really good.
My only problem is with "perform your leer." That rhyme is painfully forced; I'm sure you can come up with something that flows better.
I like the tone of this, especially because I have about a billions raven (not quite crows, but close enough) where I live, so I can see it clearly. Good job!
For the love of God OMIT that! Never apologize for something you've written! (trust me tis a hard habit to break) Never never never never make excuses or apologize for anything when you're writting! No No No No No!
So onto the poem
It had a beat
It had a slight rhyming scheme without being annoying
It had a slightly morbid feel to it
I liked it!
But don't count on me for the poem part because I suck at poetry I just know what I like and I liked that.
Thanks, Gwen! I think I'll change the ending to something not so... open-ended or obscure. The earth-bound beasts thing? Well, when I was writing this, my cat Tiger, was looking out the window, staring at these birds on our lawn. I'll try to revise it so it doesn't sound so mis-matched.
Thanks again! ^^
Its nice.
I like your topic but I think you should extend it or add some more description and rhyming lines.
I think instead of putting
You should put something like this:
As you soar
into
the sky.
It just sounds better to me and it makes more sense I guess.
I also don't understand the earth bound beasts bit. Are they fleeing from wolves or something? Maybe you could clarify that with some more description.
Over all I really liked this.
Keep writing!
Cheers,
Genevieve