Fear...I was beyond fear. What he did, what my own mother did, my mind couldn't wrap around it. Superhuman powers were not possible, there was no way Jak could have---
There was a pounding on the door, a soft knock. One that could barely be heard over the drumming of the rain outside. But I heard it, I was on hyper alert. The last thing I wanted to do was distangle my tightly crossed limbs, get to my feet, and open that door. But the last thing mom had told me was to answer it, someone would come to get me, keep me safe.
But what if it was them?
What if it was that man, the man who took Sam away? My fists clenched in the sweats I had still not taken off. Bloodstains seemed to glow in the shadows cast by the battery run lantern that was my only source of light. Bridget's bloodstains. I stumbled to my feet, coming to the conclusion that running for it was the only safe option with these people.
But that choice, however, was quickly taken away.
With a huge crash that matched the symphony of nature's fury in the sky, the door flew inward, and the figure outside slowly lowered its foot, stepping inside.
"Addison Hale?"
It asked briskly. I somehow had the strength to nod, dazed, and it drew back the slick hood of its rain soaked jacket. Black hair spilled from the hood to her shoulders, slightly damp from the water that had escaped into it. She wasn't very tall, unlike the rail-thin woman who had cut Bridget down without conscience, she was my height. But the similarities ended there. Her face was long and narrow, half obscured by the locks of hair that fell over her left eye. Her right, however, was clearly visible, and it glared at me with unsettling concentration. She wore black, head to toe, with a loose fitting turtleneck and simple jeans that didn't hug curves, if she had any. And when she spoke, her voice was soft. As quiet as the blade that had swung through the air, slicing Bridget's neck open like a gruesome interpretation of a smile. This was a voice that hid many things, a voice I didn't trust no matter what my mother had told me.
"My name is Ari." She said to me. "And i'm here to bring you to safety."
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This story really drew me in a lot! You had a good attention grabber that drew me in and it was interesting to know what kind of situation the girl was in. You had very good descriptions of everything and I'm wondering if this is going to be part of a longer extended? There were characters mentioned so we don't know exactly who they're supposed to be like, who is Ari? And superpowers were mentioned so that made it interesting. Anyway, overall it was good! Keep writing!
Hi moon shadow. This was a very good piece and you should definitely write more! I love the way your words and sentences seem to flow together. There was only one thing, and I know this is a bit direct but I really think it would be a good idea to change the "it" in the beginning of the first paragraph to "The figure." I understand the point of mysteriousness you were trying to make and in this way you can keep that point without making Ari seem unimportant in the beginning.
As for my initial reaction, I loved it! There were a few things I was confused about, so I hope you'll make more chapters! It was well-written, so bravo!
Hi there. Rebel to comment on your story.
You said in the description that you wanted the reader's initial reaction, correct? So, I'll give you my initial reaction.
The beginning really drew me in to the story. I was wondering what Mom did, and who Jack was (by the way, I think you had a typo on Jack's name). Nice job with that part of the story.
On the start of the second paragraph, I was slightly confused at the first sentence. There was a pounding on the door, but it was a soft knock? Doesn't quite make sense to me. And in the last sentence there, you want to capitalize the "m" in mom.
I also really would like to know who "them" are. That caught my attention. I was wondering who Sam and Bridget were (my initial thought was that they were siblings). If you could elaborate on their descriptions, that'd be great.
When the voice asks the question "Addison Hale?" and then you continue the next paragraph with "It asked briskly.", I think you could change that to "Addison Hale?" a voice asked briskly, and then continue on.
At the very end with the dialogue, you would put a comma after Ari, not a period, and then you wouldn't capitalize the "s" in she. Also, you forgot to capitalize the "i" in I'm.
I thought this was a decent start to a story, and hope you decide to continue it! Good luck!
Hi there Moonshadow!
Let me know if you have any questions.
Welcome to YWS. Hope you're finding things ok. If you need any help then let me know!
So from your description of this piece it seems as though this isn't a stand alone piece but just part of your book and you essentially want to know a reader's reaction?
I'll try to do that then!
It's hard to give you a review because I have no idea where in the story this comes, what's happened before, whether I should know these people or not. Things like that. Just off of reading this chunk I was a little confused. It was very quick and you kept mentioning names and it was a little difficult to digest all of that in such a short space of time. If we knew Jak, Bridget and Sam before this then that probably doesn't matter as much. I assume they are the main character's friends or allies? In which case it would make sense that they were worried about them.
In regards to the introduction of Ari, whilst your writing is good I just felt like the description was pretty long. This is in first person so that means that ultimately the reader should be experiencing what the character is and I just kept wondering if the main character would actually take that much detail about the person in front of them. I mean the main character is trapped somewhere and doesn't know where their friends are and I assume Bridget is dead? If that were me I'd be freaked out! I'm not sure I'd stop to notice all the little details about the person who'd just opened the door. I'd probably be thinking about how to get past them and out.
It's sort of like the main character is going 'Oh god! I gotta run! Gotta run! Blood! Aaaah! Hey she has wet black hair and a narrow face and is not very tall, probably about my size, and she's wearing black with a turtleneck and simple jeans..awe...she has no curves.'
Do you see what I mean? You've pumped up the main character into this certain mental state only to have them pause to take in every detail of the person that's just crashed through the door. It doesn't really work.
Try thinking about what sorts of things your main character would zero in on. If you were backed into a corner like that after having seen a friend die what would you look for? I think I'd be looking at things like the size of them, which you sort of have, but more from a 'could I take her?' perspective. Does she have any weapons? Could the main character fight her? Things like that that place the description within the context of the scene.
Anywho! I'll stop rambling. I hope that was useful
Bex x
First thing first, this doesn't seem like a short story, but if you intended on us reading this at first there are a few things to take note of.
Firstly, your description of Ari was very descriptive and nicely done. Think about if it was you answering the door what would you notice in a stranger? Does she have any flaws? A mark on her face that draws the eye? How does she stand? Slumped forward? Up tall?
Watch out for your grammar: " I somehow had the strength to nod, dazed, and it drew back the slick hood of its rain soaked jacket." That sentence doesn't make sense properly and confused me.
Finally the deal with Jak, Sam and Bridget. Who are they? What are they? They don't mean anything at all to the reader if they are not put in context. They could be his enemies, his friends, his siblings, his children. Just saying these not only puts the names in context but also tells us more about the main character. For example if you said (don't use these words they sound silly its just an example) "Jak, my enemy, could..." It immediately tells us that the main character has some rivals and is in some sort of danger. If you said "Jak, my best friend" it could tell us that the speaker is quite attached to Jak, perhaps they do a lot together, and if Jak got super powers then maybe the protagonist was involved too.
If you say, "My daughter, Bridget." We instantly know that the speaker is an older character. If you say "My brother, Sam" we may assume that the speaker is younger as when siblings get older and no longer live together they are less inclined to be around one another.
That's all I have to say. Good job on the description.