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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Snow: Chapter 1

by moonpolice


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

“I want a divorce.”

I started, nearly biting off the end of my tongue. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Neil sighed deeply, “I said I want a divorce, Hannah. I don’t want to be married anymore.”

Neil Waverly had been my husband for nearly eight years. We had met in college when I was just 21 and he was 25 and had gotten married not even a year later. As far as I was concerned, he was my best friend, my soul mate.

Maybe I needed to re-evaluate.

I swallowed, pushing back the lump in my throat. “Is there a reason why?”

Neil sighed again and leaned back in his chair. Of all the places he could have ruined with this announcement, he happened to choose Louise’s, my favorite restaurant in our home of Anchorage, Alaska. For a moment, I felt like there was no way I hadn’t accidentally stumbled into a terrible movie. If I could have bet money on what he was going to say next, I would have bet that he would call me boring.

“I’m just bored.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye, and I could feel my cheeks turning redder and redder. “I’m just ready to move on, you know?”

I could have thrown up. You “moved on” from a bad date, or from a fight with the cashier at the grocery store. You didn’t just “move on” from 8 years of marriage.

I wasn’t going to make a scene. I set down my fork and took a long sip of my drink. “Okay.”

He blinked at me. “Okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah, okay. What else do you want me to say?”

Neil looked down at the table, and I felt a small jump in my heart knowing that I had managed to surprise him. “I don’t know, Hannah.”

I knew what he was expecting. He wanted the Hannah that would beg him to stay. He wanted me to cry and get loud and make a scene. He wanted me to ruin myself and make him look like the long-suffering husband. 5 years ago, I might have, but as he had so kindly pointed out, I was boring now.

Instead, I set my napkin down and stood. “You’ve got the check. I’ll see you in court.”

I had left my job at the hospital to meet Neil for dinner, so I was able to have a meltdown on the side of the road behind the wheel of my own car instead of walking home. I leaned my head back against the headrest and let tears fall down my cheeks. The lights of passing cars blurred, and both my head and heart started to pound. At some point, it started to rain.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when my phone started to ring. I answered it immediately, wiping away my smudged makeup. “This is Dr. Wittaker.”

“Dr. Wittaker, this is Dr. Wittaker.”

I smiled. “Hi, Link.”

“Hi, Hanny. Where are you?”

I looked around. “Um, I’m out. Listen, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“We can talk about it, but I need you to come back to the hospital.”

I frowned. “Why? What happened? Are you okay? Is everything alright?"

“Yes, I'm fine, but I can’t talk about it on the phone. I just need you to come back in. You know I wouldn’t ask you to come back this late if it wasn’t an emergency.”

I looked at the dashboard clock. It was nearly midnight. When had it gotten so late? I could have sworn I hadn't left more than an hour ago. “Yeah, okay. I’m on my way. Just let me call the babysitter."

“Thank you. Just tell me how much extra it is and I'll pay you back."

I smiled again. My brother, though younger, had always seemed kinder. "Don't worry about it. Give me twenty minutes."

"Thank you. Oh, and Hannah?"

"Yeah?"

There was a pause, and for a second I thought he wasn't going to say anything. 

"Love you."

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561 Reviews

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Fri Sep 22, 2017 9:48 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review :)

I had left my job at the hospital to meet Neil for dinner, so I was able to have a meltdown on the side of the road behind the wheel of my own car
I don't see how this enables her to have a meltdown.

I looked at the dashboard clock. It was nearly midnight. When had it gotten so late? “Yeah, okay. I’m on my way.”
They had met for dinner and it was nearly midnight? That means they would have stayed at the restaurant for at least 5 or 6 hours, which isn't really believable and seems like a plot hole.

I also didn't really like the declaration of love at the end. Since we don't know the proposer very well, and since they talk to each other like colleagues, the "I love you" seemed really abrupt, and I don't think this is the best place to put it. It might be better to drag this out for a while and reveal that later, so that you're not throwing in too many twists and turns to keep the reader engaged.

I do like the premise of a couple looking for divorce, the man pursuing it and the woman not quite ready to accept it, and then a love triangle opens up between the husband, wife, and co-worker. However, that is a pretty common plot, so what would make this more original? Why should I read this and not another romance novel right next to it? What about this will draw me in?

So I'm going to leave you with that and wish you a good day and happy writing, since I think I"ve given you some good points to consider. As always, if you have any questions or need me to give you a bit more information on a point, clarify something, explain my meaning, literally anything, just shoot me a PM or post something on my wall or reply to this review! I hope this was helpful for you, and have a wonderful rest of your evening :)

Best wishes & RevMo cheer,
MJ




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Fri Sep 22, 2017 7:37 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there moonpolice and #HappyRevmo . It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

For the sake of time and me not rambling, I'll just take it from the top to begin with.

“I want a divorce.”

I always like to look at pieces by the first line and develop the baseline from there.
What's the first thing that the writer wants me to see? And how important will it turn out to be in the end?
At the moment, I'm looking at the declaration of divorce by one unknown character to another unknown character, but as far as divorces go, the audience can guess there will be drama. The second character will be wondering why the first character is doing this, probably with some questioning phrase like "but after all these years". Skipping ahead, I saw something like this kind of happen, so at least I was right on one part.

There are some details here that aren't quite adding up and the entire chapter itself is rather short. I thought of this more like a chapter part because it barely introduced the conflict before leading into the second conflict and then into the cliffhanger.
Now you're gonna have to find some way to expand on all of this and I think the best way to do that and leave the "I love you" at the end, is to write in more of their conversation. You could still portray the character as being calm throughout their fight because her personality and career choice, makes her seem like a very calm person.
But then that brings me back to the details not adding up, including her age and how another bit sounds like she gets emotional really easily. Perhaps I'm just reading this wrong but the character and the set-up don't sound very believable.

Another way to add some actual substance to this work, is to mend the dialogue, which at the moment is rather plain. I sped through the entire work in barely five minutes and it should have taken at least ten based on all of the chapters I have reviewed. So pacing is something you need to work on but then you need to have actual text to manipulate in the pacing fix. I don't say this very often, but I think for the full effect of what is happening here, you need to make it longer.
And not just any type of longer fluff. It needs to have colorful descriptions, a more solid baseline and most importantly, better interactions between the character. Shoot for like Scarpetta.

That's really all I have to say and I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rushing a bit, but this is what happens when I try to remain focused.
Good luck with you next chapter.
~!Liz




moonpolice says...


I've made some changes and made it longer. It's probably still not perfect, but I am setting up for a scene at the hospital, which is much more descriptive and colorful. I hope the changes I made help move the story along at a better pace.




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