Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Jack Gleeson sat at the last computer in the row, typing furiously. A single bead of sweat dripped down the young coder’s forehead as he stared at his screen, desperately trying to make sense of the information flashing in front of his eyes.
Across the city, Time Square’s clock changed to midnight. Church bells everywhere tolled twelve times. Two men, both dressed in black, exchanged a glance, and entered the library where Jack, unaware of either their presence or the time, continued his work. They crossed the marble floor, their footsteps echoing in the empty darkness.
“Your time is up, Mr. Gleeson.” The first one said.
Jack sprung to his feet, startled. “Please.” He said. “I’m so close. I just need a little bit more time. Give me another day. Just one more. I promise.”
The second man shook his head. “We’ve been more than patient with you, Mr. Gleeson, but our boss made himself very clear.”
Jack dropped to his knees as the first man reached into his jacket, removing a gun from it’s holster. “Please. I have a family.”
The first man nodded as he cocked the gun and placed it against Jack’s temple. “So does our boss, Mr. Gleeson. I hope you won’t take this personally. It’s just business. You understand.”
The shot was silent, but the inside of Jack’s skull sprayed out, splattering the pristine marble floor with bright red blood and pinkish grey brain matter. He slumped to the floor.
The second man grimaced as he kicked a bloody piece of skull off his shoe. The two turned and made their way back across the lobby and back into the night. For several long moments, there was no movement. The night was still and silent.
As the clock struck 12:13, Jack opened his eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Hmm, well as far as beginning's go, this one was a lot more action packed than most, and well I loved it...this was an awesome way to start a story, and you certainly do a wonderful job getting the reader's attention on this one.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, looks like we have ourselves a bit of an intense start right here...hmm, certainly does seem to be some form of coding that is happening against the crunch of time, and of course it looks like some potentially intriguing information is being flashed in front of eyes...soo...this is going to be quite interesting by the looks of it.
Well, that's not great, looks like midnight here is a bit of a deadline, well midnight is often a deadline for a lot of these things, isn't it. Well, at any rate, we're off to a cracker of a start here right at the beginning, and things are starting to get pretty interesting here, looks like the poor fellow that we were introduced to at the beginning is not going to have a nice day though by the looks of it.
When someone walks up to you like that, especially in the dead of the night, I highly doubt they are going to give this poor man another day, but ehh, it doesn't hurt to hope I suppose. Well, let's see where this plea manages to get him here.
Well, that is bad, pistols at midnight when someone has gone past a deadline, oh dear, are we about to witness and execution right at the beginning, well as sad as it is, this is certainly very mysterious to see what on Earth could cause a situation like this...oh dear.
Wow, I was expecting a cut to black sort of ending there with the dying here, but phew...we have ourselves an actual description of well, what happens when...you shoot someone at close range to the head, its something a lot of people tend to avoid but well, you definitely tell me a lot about how this story might go, just going off of this one description. This one certainly means business.
Ohhhhhhhh...whoaaa...well this got even more interesting, and well, that is certainly a much better than I was expecting with the cutting away at the trigger pull..oh wow, well, this is definitely gonna make you want to read on a find things out here...wow...awesome way to end there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, well, this was quite a cracker of a start that we've got right here. Well anyway, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi moonpolice, I'm Attolia. You look like you know what you're doing - good job. Regarding the title, I would recommend against it; there's a very popular book series and TV show already called Outlander, if you weren't aware.
"Time Square's clock" can't change to midnight ACROSS the city, it can only change to midnight IN Time's Square. I didn't catch this at first though, either.
"Everywhere" is weak - "across the city" would be better if you hadn't already used it in the first sentence. EDIT - now you can use you here, since you should take it out of the sentence before.
I agree with SemperAugustus that this deserves a bit more context. "At the sound of the bells, two men who had been standing outside the library exchanged a glance." Something like that. (I'm aware that that sentence doesn't include the fact that they're both dressed in black or the fact that Jack is inside the library, but hopefully you see what I mean. Try to slow it down and provide a bit more description.)
"SHOW DON'T TELL." The bit about how he "[springs] to his feet, startled," is perfect for showing his surprise and unawareness - maybe just describe his reaction a bit more somehow.
When you're connecting dialogue to its speaker, it should be connected by a comma:
"Your time is up, Mr. Gleeson," the first one said.
This goes for the next line of dialogue as well. It should be
"Please," he said.
Should be "its" not "it's"
(It's not supposed to read "removing a gun from it is holster.")
Personallyyy, I think these three nouns collectively have too many adjectives. If you can shorten or remove any I'd like it better.
Very good - more sparse, but the reader can clearly envision it.
I want a bit more transition and context between the first and second sentences. I picture "back into the night" as just the men exiting the library. So then in the scene "for several long moments, there was no movement," I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be picturing the empty lobby or the dark night outside the library. If I'm suppose to be picturing the night outside the library, I would assume the men are walking and thus there'd be movement. If they paused outside of the library, or if they've already gone far away from the library, tell us. And then, if there was movement after some long moments, what was this movement?? (And isn't New York City usually quite busy?) Hope you get what I'm trying to get at here; not sure if I'm explaining myself well.
Don't be thrown off by all my nitpicks -- I thought this was quite good overall, or else I wouldn't have extended the energy to review. I'm interested to see what you do in the next chapter! Let me know if you want me to review Chapter 2.
Thanks so much! I actually really like when people nitpick my writing, because I have a really bad habit of writing too fast and not going back to look for mistakes.
There are just a few things that I want to clear up, and it might mean that I need to make them more clear in my writing. The whole point of placing this in New York and combining it with the overbearing stillness IS the idea that New York is constantly moving. I wanted it to be a really stark, really obvious contrast between a city that never sleeps and a moment of silence and death. The original title for this novel is Midnight City, and that was also a play on the concept of a city that never sleeps and a boy that can never die.
Hi,
I feel this is excellent for a first chapter.
I think there should be at least another paragraph between Jack typing at the computer and when the two men are introduced. It felt very rushed. Maybe something like the coffee stood idle at the side of the table. Not a single sip was taken.
Also, you mentioned across the city, church bells rang. Then you mention the men. I assumed that the men were across the city. So it appeared very sudden when they showed up outside the library. Maybe instead of across the city, outside would be fine.
It also seems a bit strange to me that the men would say "our boss". Maybe they address him by Mr. InsertNameHere, or perhaps a code name.
Afterwards, the chapter could be extended a bit by the men whipping the back splatter off the gun, or admiring the artwork in the library before leaving.
The ending is good and captures attention since when Jack dies, the reader assumes that this is just the start of a thriller (kind of like Dan Brown's books). But clearly, your story is different.
Well done.
P.S. If you have time, it'd be great if you could review my prologue.
Hello moonpolice! Senmaster here to review.
Overall, I thought the writing was good. I really enjoyed the way you ended it, with all the suspense you created. However, I do feel that this was a little rushed. Or maybe not rushed, but I do think that you could spend more time edifying the reader's perception of your character. Perhaps you could enter Jack's thoughts and expose his fears, his hatred for the two men dressed in black, and/or his love for his family.
Another method for exploring your character's personality could also be the use of more action words at the beginning of the passage. By this I mean that you could write something like this:
"Jack new the necessity of finishing the job. It would be the only way of receiving his freedom, his escape from the 'Boss' who had now taken control of his life. His eyes glanced over the code on the screen, processing it automatically. He wasn't even aware of how much coding he had done throughout the day. Actually, he hadn't even realized that he had been doing for nearly an entire day. He had completely lost track of time, his mind solely focused on the task at hand.
He had been forced into this, and he just wanted out. He didn't want to have anything to do with Boss's plan. He just wanted to go home and get in bed. He missed the comforts of home."
Something like that. Overall, it was very good though. I think you just need a little more work on the development of your character and the situation. Suspense is good, but the reader needs to connect with the character early on.
Besides that, this is a very good idea with good potential. I am very curious as to what you will do with this idea.
Good luck! Senmaster out.
You have some really good points, and I've taken them all into consideration. This is just a prologue, and the actual story is written in a first person point of view as Jack, after he wakes up. I think that everything will make a lot of sense once the actual chapters start up.