Time, unstoppable time

Every line has a puncuation, and a lot of the time it just seems to be detracting from it. You don't always have to have the punctuation, go through and see which ones you could go without. Where you think you'd need a puncutation if it was a sentence, put one there-thats just my way of doing it though there's probably more.

Go through it again and add in all the little extra words and conjunctions (basically turn every stanza into a sentence), once you add all that you can look at it and find a beat, get the words that take it out, it might help with the flow and even make it easier to understand.

I think the huge gap is really weird, and being a writer you want to try to *not* confuse the reader, and it confused me.

Other than those, I really liked this poem, it reminded me of a song we're playing in Band called "Escape from Cronopalis" (Escape from Time basically) and its really intense, which is the feeling I got from this. Look the song up and see if it matches up with you (then PM me about it, I'm curious :p)

Keep up the good work!

Thanks for all of your great suggestions (i must admit I'm a little embarrassed about putting 'mean' in there) And yes, it was about trees. I was thinking of this little spot in the woods near my house where there is a clump of old gigantic trees that all look like they're glaring. Anyway Thanks again

Hey!
We meet again!
What a vivid piece! It really allows the reader to imagine and uses some great descriptions.
I had a few minor issues with a little things and some suggestions for you.
So here are my opinions (even though they don't count as much):

Older than time,

Standing watch here,

Gnarled and rough,

they stare, they leer.
Great hook!



rising in silence, I'd begin this with a capital on Rising.

unnoticed there, I'd eliminate the comma at the end of this line because it makes the next line look awkwar beginning with a capital "Their".

Their beauty gone,

and soon they glare.
overally, two great stanzas to draw the reader in!



Jealous and mean, Oh my, do I have issues with the word mean. It isn't even in my vocabulary anymore. Come on moolight, you're thirteen! I know you know how to use your little friend Mr. Thesaurus (A)

they start to be,

They never had

a chance, they plea.



No one cares though,

and silence goes on. I'd change the goes on to something prolonged like "continued" again, use that thesaurus!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I had an issue with the dots. I'd eliminate them completely there are just sooo tacky and ruin this beautiful, beautiful poem. I think you could have a big dramatic space between these two stanzas (not too large though) to make up for these dots. They just looked incredibly out of place and silly in my opinion. I know you were just trying to be creative but in can be done so in subtler ways and appreciated just as much.

Time takes its toll

on all living creatures.

For me this is about trees. The descriptive of 'gnarled' and 'older than time' gave me that idea, if I'm wrong then that's fine, one of the best things about poetry is that you can read into it however you like! I've got a few suggestions for improvement if you were to re-draft this piece, so here goes.

- First off, you should take a look at your punctuation. A lot of your lines are run-ons and you don't need many of the commas at the end of lines. Just read the poem out loud to yourself and see where you naturally pause and where you continue onto the next line without taking a breath.

- I think your rhyming is good, but the ending of the poem sticks out as awkward because you don't rhyme within the final couplet. I realise this is deliberate but it doesn't work - I'd either bring a rhyme into the last four lines, or add two new lines after "No one cares though, / and silence goes on." so that the final two lines can act as a separate stanza. That would make a more effective ending than the one you have now.

- I'd also just say that though earlier vocab you use such as gnarled, leer, etc. is stronger than some that you use later on in the piece. 'Jealous' and 'mean' aren't very strong words and they don't really project much feeling. I'd rethink that part and try to think of something more powerful.

I think this poem has promise! Well done.