So I Guess We're Marked

Love was once easy. In its most innocent form, love was a thing that I once had plenty of. But as a girl grows up, love becomes a weapon because a girl who loves easily is a girl who is easily hurt. One has to build walls and dams to hold it all back because letting it spill out is too great a risk and if a girl isn’t careful a boy with a big smile and false promises will take her dancing on Tuesday nights and talk to her about October moons, only to leave her broken hearted. That is why my wrist is free of the red tally marks that many flaunt so much.

Those with marks all down their arm sing their love songs, full of happiness and feelings that I cannot relate to. The ones with more frequent black marks sing of unrequited love and the pain of want. And the most solemn ones with thin white lines sing of their painful loss and what had once been. But I do not sing. Though I do not believe I am incapable of romantic love like some, more so I am afraid of it though I’d never admit it. Of course there are different forms of love, from platonic to familiar and I feel some of those, as I believe most do, but it is romantic love that scares me. I remember the times it happened some others.

The summer before sophomore year a deep black mark appeared on the pale skin of Abby’s wrist and I watched as she tried to ignore the stabbing feeling that Alex didn’t love her back. Julio shares the same black mark though he is adamant that it should be red because Hannah obviously loves him back, but the girl has had a lot boyfriends in the past but only one red dash on her frail wrists. Laura’s red mark was surrounded by the thin marks she gave herself, but over time both kinds of lines have faded, giving me further evidence that love, even when requited, is painful and only when it starts to fade does the pain go too. Jadon’s deep red mark appeared after he and Abbea had been dating for a few months and they both seem happy but I’m still weary. My own mother’s wrists only have two lines which doesn’t add up but I don’t question it. Often times I am told that it’s common for someone at 16 to have no marks and that I shouldn’t worry because someone will come along someday but that’s exactly what I don’t want. Not only is that statement untrue because A) not everyone falls in love because B) sometimes they just don’t, C) they never meet ‘The One’ or D) you’re like me and you’re a cynical fuck because of some abandonment issues.

Now I assume this is where I lay on the couch and tell you about how my daddy left me before I could speak and how that led to me subconsciously refusing to fall in love but that would just be bullshit. It is a completely conscious decision to refuse to fall in love so fuck you. This just so happens to be exactly how my conversation with Laura played out.

“It’s not your fault your dad left Mia; you still deserve to be loved”

“I know that, who wouldn’t love me? I’m great! Right Allie?”

“Don’t drag me into this; this is your fucking therapy session.” Allie called from the bed she had propped herself on. Sighing I turned back to Laura, “Why aren’t you giving Allie this speech? She’s just as hopeless about this shit as I am.”

“That’s different. Allie just doesn’t care, she’s not ‘consciously refusing’ to fall in love.” Laura says as her voice goes up an octave. And God, do I hate her optimism, she was the one who was supposed to understand after all that happened with Justin but I decide not to bring that up and instead I slide off the couch and on to the floor beside her and talk to her in the nicest tone I can muster, “Laura Elizabeth Tymm, I don’t think this is problem really, I’m a pretty happy person on my own, none of that Missing Piece shit going on in my life so tell me why would I fuck that up by falling in love?”

“Because Maria. That’s how things go!” she responded and is it possible for her voice to get any higher? I try not to roll my eyes, “Ever heard of aromantics or asexuals Timmy? They exist, you know.”

“Is this you coming out to us Mia? Because I gotta say I did it better” Allie says from her perch and I resist the urge to flip her off, “No, you bisexual little shit, I’m not coming out, but if I was I would have been damn sure to wait until everyone was drunk to do it” I state pointedly and she just huffs a laugh before saying, “Well I had been hoping for more of a reaction from you guys but you didn’t seem surprised at all, maybe I should’ve told you before the bottle of whiskey was gone.”

“No hun, they weren’t surprised because it’s always been obvious,” Laura chimed in, “And if you’re not asexual then what the hell Mia?”

“I don’t know man, lay off. Maybe it is my deep seeded daddy issues that keep me from dropping my pants for the first guy who tells me I’m pretty, but that’s my problem so let’s just watch Lilo & Stich please?” Laura rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything and flipped on the movie and for that I was grateful.

“Text Mia and ask her to pick us up” I tell Julio as he continues to fiddle with the same stupid beat on my macbook but he just ignores me, “Or I’ll just do it I guess” I say as I reach for my phone. “No, wait. I’ve almost got the timing right and I really don’t want to go to Laura’s” Julio says quickly. I can’t help but sigh, he’s been avoiding this for hours and I’m bored of this track, I just don’t get why he’s being so stupid about this. He didn’t even love Laura, he was just using her to get over the fact that the mark on his wrist that Hannah left is as black as mine so I don’t get why he has to act so awkward around her. I text Mia anyway and ignore his bitching.

Miah you should pick me and Julio up

Shhhhh we just started lilo and stich

Pleeeeaaaaseeeeeeee

Wait.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeee

Fuck. Fine. Be there in a bit assholes

<3

“Mia’s on her way” I tell Julio as I get up to grab my bag when suddenly he speaks up “Do you think Laura and I could’ve been a thing? Because sometimes I think like yea totally but then other times it’s like what the hell was I thinking ya know?” Goddammit how many times do we have to talk about this?

“I don’t know man, by the mark on your wrist it looks like it’s only Hannah and she isn’t interested.” I reply bluntly because we’ve been over this too many times to even bother sugar coating it which makes me feel like shit when I meet Julio’s eyes and there’s still that sad look to them whenever we mention Hannah (or as Mia calls her: She Who Shall Not Be Named). “Yea, no, you’re totally right” Julio says all pissy now and turns back to the computer and loops the beat, letting it play through, “The timing is still off,” he comments blandly and I feel bad for making him close off but the second I try to fix it, he’ll just shut me down so I give up and sit back.

On the ride back to Laura’s , Julio doesn’t say much and I’m not too sure if that’s just because he’s Julio: The Emotional Shit Storm or because I’m taking him to Laura’s but I can’t help glancing back in the mirror at him and wondering why the fuck he doesn’t say anything. Abby is sitting shot gun because she will fight someone to the death for that seat and Julio is in a back seat sulking mood anyway. She’s flipping through the CD’s she made me in the hamburger shaped case until she pulls out one that I bought and replaces the Black Keys Turn Blue with the Arctic Monkeys AM and Alex Turner’s voice fills the car and of course Abby turns it all the way up because she’s always been good at filling the silence with the right thing. I glance back at Julio to see him glaring down at the black mark seared into his forearm just as the chorus kicks up and Alex’s voice coos, Do I wanna know, if this feeling floats both way? Internally I praise Abby for her fitting choice of music as always but I turn the song down because this question has been nagging me for a while, “Is it better knowing? Ya know, that the feeling doesn’t exactly float both ways?”

“Yes”

“No”

“Elaborate?”

“I think it’s better knowing,” Abby says first, “I could’ve wasted so much time on Alex ya feel?”

“But it hurts” Julio countered.

“Yea but you get over it” Abby said a little too quickly I think.

“It’s not that easy Goose”

“No but it happens eventually Julio”

“I don’t think it will.”

“And maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new, I know it’s true, I’m crawling back to you” I sing loudly as I turn up the radio because confrontation is not a thing that I like.

Why the hell didn’t I go with Mia to pick up Julio and Abby? They’re probably jamming to something that Abby put on (probably Arctic Monkeys) and instead I’m sitting here with Laura and I’m gritting my fucking teeth. I can’t stand being in the same room with her anymore, it’s exhausting. Once upon a time I loved Laura, not like mark on my wrist love, but friend love. We had inside jokes and people questioned if we were together which is how you know you’re close. This was all before I came out. So when I did, Laura wasn’t there and she found out second hand. That’s when she got weird. She changed a lot. Even though she hasn’t said anything, I think she thinks I liked her. Obviously I didn’t and now I really don’t. She’s self-absorbed and treats people like shit. The way she was to Julio and Justin and everyone else was just mean. Not only that but she tries way too hard. I think she was attracted to our group from the beginning because in her eyes we’re ‘cool’. Which I personally agree with but I don’t pretend to like the same music or share the same sense of humor. Laura is too fragile and we aren’t very sympathetic. Not only that but she also likes country. That right there should be the end of it. I’m just glad that Lilo & Stitch is on because I don’t think I could handle talking to her. Laura picks up the remote and turns the volume down. Shit. “It’s been a long time since it was just you and me hanging out, I kinda missed it,” Stop, “Like I feel we’ve become distant since prom and I’m sorry for not staying with you honestly,” Shut up, “Its just- are we cool again?” I’m in hell.

“Um-“

“Ayyyyyyyyy wazzgood?” Abby says as she bursts through the door and I have to remember to thank her somehow because she saved me from the most awkward conversation of my life.

“You guys didn’t pause it?” Mia asks accusingly but when she meets my eyes she understands, “Well are we gonna start this shit over or should we go somewhere?”

“Let’s get Fernie and Jadon.” Julio says curtly, great he’s bitchy. But then again, when isn’t he? He and Mia are constantly crabby about something but at least Mia is funny when she’s mad. Julio just becomes a dick.

“Sure! Julio and I can pick up Fernie if you guys wanna go ahead and call Jadon?” Mia offers too quickly and she can say all she wants about refusing love but we all know she’s into Fernando. Sometimes I wonder if he’ll be the one who marks her but when I asked she told me to shut the fuck up. So it’s possible.

Julio and Mia leave as soon as they got here to get Fernie so now it’s just Abby, Allie and I sitting in my room. I wish I could’ve kept talking to Allie about us, or maybe even pick up my conversation with Mia from before although she seems fed up with talking about it. I just wish Mia understood that love does hurt but it’s worth it. I want to be one of those people with red tally marks all over my arm and I don’t see why Mia wouldn’t. It makes no sense.

I turn to Abby and see her texting Jadon already, and I look at her wrist and feel a pang of guilt. Alex gave her that mark, left her branded just like I left him. I felt horrible about it but there’s nothing I could do and I didn’t dwell on it too much because then the guilt turns to pain and then that leads down another road that I can’t go down again.

I reach up and hold the cross around my neck and think about how strange the marks are. There is no line on my wrist for God, which never bothered me until Allie pointed out how no one has a mark specially placed for him, though I did consider getting one tattooed once. But a tattoo doesn’t hold the same meaning, again something that never bothered me until Allie pointed it out. I do like when people add to their marks though. I once saw a mark that was turned into an infinity symbol and I thought the meaning behind that was beautiful. I’m lost in thought when Julio and Mia come back and report that Fernie couldn’t leave which makes me sad because he’s pretty cute.

“Jadon’s on his way,” Abby says, “are we gonna do a bonfire or-?”

“Sure! Let’s go get it started,” I suggest and Julio just sighs from the couch where he had just sat himself down, “You guys go, I’m just gonna stay here,” and he plugs in his headphones before any of us can respond so we all just share glances and head outside.

Waking up, my head hurts like a bitch and I’m not exactly sure where I am so I just lay for a second. The first thing that comes to me is that rolling wave that goes through my gut every morning, it drowns me and all that water weighs down on my chest and everything feels heavy. Everyone tells me I’m depressed, they treat me like fucking Eeyore. Speaking of everyone, they’re on the mattress or scattered on the floor in sleeping bags. We’re in Laura’s lake house even though I don’t exactly remember coming in here. Last night was a blur and one of the first times in a long time that I didn’t drink by myself and it had been surprisingly fun. But now my head hurts and I don’t want to get up because now I was thinking about the last time I drank with anybody was with Hannah and everything hurts so fucking much. Then just to make it worse, a pillow hits the side of my head, “Morning,” Allie says and I just press the pillow to my face to muffle a groan when Mia’s voice pipes up from somewhere to the left, “Sounds like you’ve got a hangover.” I pull the pillow from my face and sigh, “Sounds like someone needs to fucking talk quieter.”

“Aw does the poor baby’s head hurt?”

“Shut up. How are you not dying anyway? I’m pretty sure you couldn’t even walk last night”

“I dunno man but I’m pretty proud of myself, I didn’t cry this time”

“Yeah thank God for that,” Allie said and I realized she’s been lying beside my couch this whole time, “I was not gonna put up with that again”

“Will you guys please shut the fuck up? I’m fucking dying” Abby slurred from the mattress on the floor.

“Need a bucket?” Mia offered her quietly, “Or some ibuprofen?”

“What I need is for you to shut up and let me sleep”

“I’ll take some ibuprofen” I mumbled and almost instantly three little red pills and a glass of water were put into my hands. And briefly I wondered why we called Laura the mom of the group when we had Mia. Speaking of which, “Where’s Laura?” I asked after I swallowed down the pills.

“Making breakfast” Mia replied, so that’s why Laura is the mom. A few minutes later, Laura came in with a pancakes, syrup, bacon, milk, sugar and coffee which she carefully carried into the room making sure not to step on Jadon’s giant body. Allie and Mia immediately grabbed their share and Mia made sure to pour some coffee for Abby, poking her side gently she set it down, “Here’s some coffee Goosey, you should get up soon” and Abby just mumbled something that Mia seemed to understand because she grabbed the sugar and stirred some in. She then walked over to Jadon and carefully nudged him with her toe, “There’s pancakes, get up it’s almost noon Jadon” and then finally she turned to me and her eyes did that annoying thing where they looked like a kicked puppy’s, “At least eat some bacon” was all she said. The truth is, I just wasn’t hungry but I tried to play it off as the hangover making me sick but none of them bought it.

“Julio, please?”

“You’ll feel better if you have something in your stomach”

“Whatever, more pancakes for me”

“Dammit Allie”

“Wait, there’s pancakes too?”

“Pass Goose the pancakes”

“Pancakes???”

“Pass Jadon the pancakes”

“Pass them to Julio too”

“No thanks,” and at that everyone stopped chewing and 5 pairs of eyes looked at me, “I said I’m not hungry”

“He’s not hungry” was all Allie said and everyone just nodded and kept eating except for Laura.

“Is there anything you do want? I have more food in the house I can make you something?”

“Give me milk” is all I said and Mia poured me a cup and handed it over. I didn’t even want it but I did want Laura to stop talking.

After breakfast everyone started to leave I took Abby, Allie took Julio and Jadon went by himself.

“You didn’t cry” Abby says after being quiet for some time, she had put on the mix CD she made which was all quiet music which she kept turned low.

“No, Snoop, I didn’t cry. Look at me being emotionally stable, crazy I know”

“Why was last night different?”

“I dunno I usually don’t cry when I’m crossfaded”

“So it’s not because everything is going better up there?”

“There’s nothing wrong with my head Goose, I’m fine. I just happen to be an emotional wreck when I’m drunk”

“But you’re not fine, you told me so”

I sigh, “I’m working on it. Alright Snoop? I’m fine.” I watch from the corner of my eye as Abby watches me carefully as if she can see right into my head and confirm for herself that I’m ok, “It’s not me we should be worrying about anyway, everyone is royally fucked up as it is”

“True” Abby says softly and after that it’s quiet all the way home.

The truth is, I think I’m ok. It’s just when I’m drunk I realize I’m not, when I’m high I can pretend I am. Cross those, and that’s when I know I’m not ok but I just don’t care anymore. And sometimes there’s that weird in between when I’m sober and nothing is there to soften the blow when it hits me just how unloved I feel. And now is when I stop. Time to back track. None of that was ever said. That never happened, capiche?

Mia won’t say it out loud but I think her parents fucked her up. If her dad hadn’t left, she wouldn’t be so scared to fall in love and if her mom wasn’t so scary she wouldn’t be afraid to be loved. Even though she didn’t know her dad and she jokes about it all the time, I know it messed up how she sees love. She doesn’t talk about it seriously for too long to really be sure but I do know that he broke her mom’s heart and she doesn’t want to be like that. And maybe on some other level she thinks her dad left because he didn’t love her which makes her think she doesn’t deserve to be loved. Her mom on the other hand does love Mia but she makes love seem toxic and any affection she shows confuses me because I know it won’t be long before she’s screaming at Mia for something stupid. But Mia once said that she’s all she has in terms of parents if you’re not counting my mom who insists Mia is her’s too. And that breaks my heart because I know Mia, and she’s desperate to be loved but she’s terrified of it. I look down at my wrist and thought about when I first got it, I sympathized more with Mia. I shouldn’t have let it happen and now there’s this fucking mark on my arm that won’t go away and it’s always there. It always reminds me that I wasn’t enough for someone and it makes my insides churn, it hurts. That’s what happens when you fall in love with a boy with nice hair, a fast car, amazing taste in music and good pot. He’ll use you up and then pretend you don’t exist, all while you hide the black mark on your wrist because just like Julio, I was in denial. When I found out Laura left a black mark on Alex I felt a mix of justice and jealousy but I didn’t talk about it.