The Three Little Pirates

Heya

You only have one review so I thought I'd drop by and give you another one. You haven't got any nit-picks so far so I'll start off with them. 'Cause I is cool.

Once upon a time there were three little pirates who lived with their mother on a majestic pirate ship.

I liked this beginning. It gave the atmosphere of a fairy tale, for obvious reasons.

The first little pirate wandered about until he saw an abandoned pile of straw. He decided the straw would make a wondeful pirate ship. He wasn't a very bright little pirate.

Obviously not! I like what you're doing so far, by the way. It's clever how you've written your own version of the Three Little Pigs. Very nice.

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your ship in!" laughed the Shark. He gave only one huff and all the straw blew away.

My only negative comment about the story itself so far is this part. I think that it's beginning to seem a bit too similar to The Three Little Pigs. I don't think that you should copy the I'll huff and I'll puff... e.t.c. I think that you should make your own one up. Maybe make the shark ram into the ship? Or maybe make him eat the ship even? It doesn't matter really, I'd just like to see something a bit different to I'll huff and I'll puff e.t.c.

He was about to sail out of the port when he saw his little brother swimming very quickly towards him.

Because you've already used the word shore, I think that this would sound better as simply ... very quickly towards him. It's more of a suggestion though, really. You don't have to change it.

The second little pirate's parrot screeched, "Yar, ye be in for a skewerin', ye salty sea bass!"

I love the way your pirates speak!

The Shark gave a great big huff and the Ship o' Sticks blew apart. The two little pirates squealed and swam away.

The third little pirate bought some metal, because he didn't want to steal like his younger brothers.

Steal what from his brothers? Their materials? If so, when did he meet them and see that they had sticks and straw? You need to explain that. Also, you don't need the comma here.

The Shark was very angry. He yelled, "I'll board your ship whether you let me or not!" He swam away to get a trampoline so he could jump on the Ship o' Metal's deck.

Whoa! A trampoline...? Where did that come from? How did the shark manage to find a trampoline and use it in the water? That seems kind of weird to me...

The little pirates had fish and chips for dinner. Then they finally set sail off into the seven seas to find treasure.

Haha, I like that.


Overall

This was pretty good! I like how you put your own twist to the fairytale, The Three Little Pigs. It was definitely entertaining for me to read and I liked the idea of the baddie being a shark and the 'pigs' being pirates. It works really well, in my opinion. I liked the idea of the story as a whole, even though it was extremely similar to the original, just with different characters. I'll talk about that in more detail a bit later on though. When it comes to your grammar, I was really impressed! I only managed to find one or two grammatical errors. Well done for that. The same goes for your spelling. As far as I'm aware, there weren't any spelling errors in this. As for your characters, I definitely found them quite interesting. Once again though, they were very similar to the original characters.

My main critique is the fact that I found this very similar to the original version. Like I just said, even your characters seemed similar to the Three Little Pigs. For example, the first pirate was rather dumb, the second one was a bit smarter and the third one was smart. That's exactly how The Three Little Pigs are. This didn't bother me all that much though, to be honest. The similarity that bothered me the most, I think was the shark's character. I was really happy with he fact that you made him a shark, that was good. What I'm not too keen on is the fact that he did exactly the same thing as the wolf does in The Three Little Pigs. To begin with, he huffs and he puffs? It's a shark, you should make it a bit more interesting and different to the wolf. I suggested that you could make him bite the ship or something. I think that Esther suggested that as well. I also found that the way the shark speaks is very similar to the way the wolf speaks in The Three Little Pigs. You could make him a lot more interesting, if you ask me. The other thing that I think you could add a twist onto are the materials that are used to build the ships. In The Three Little Pigs, they use straw, sticks and bricks. You have changed the bricks to metal, which I very much like, but I think that it would be effective if you also changed the other materials. What materials you'd use, I'm not to sure. Be creative about it. This didn't bother me as much as the shark huffing and puffing and all of that, but it did occur to me that this could be an area where you could add a bit of a unique twist to the story.

I don't really have much else to say about this. I can't really comment on the idea of the story itself, because it's based on a story that already exists. I don't really want to question the Three Little Pigs now, do I? I do very much like how you tried to give your own unique twist to the story though. All that you need to do is to maybe make it even more unique. If you do that, this will definitely be a really great story. As for your grammar, like I said earlier, it was really good and I only managed to find a few mistakes. Your spelling was also flawless as far as I could tell. If you want this story to be better than it already is, you just need to take into account what Esther and I have said. Then you should consider editing this a bit. If you do that, this could be great!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian