Those Three Words.

I am thinking of what you have said, and I am left undecided. I think of all of the positives, of how your hand would fit perfectly in mine, how your lips would caress my own, and the happiness it could lead to. Of how what we once had could be re lived once more and I think now of all of these lovely things, of balance and perfection could be a product of acting on an instinctual impulse, yes! I must, I have to! My mind cries.

And yet,

I throw myself into a pit of despair, as I decide not to act upon my hopeful impulse. For once in my life I thought no, let's think about this, lest me not rush blindly into this with such little thought or notion. I find it necessary to not rush into something without some previous thought, for I have disregarded my impulse, causing my thoughts to spiral deeper into the negatives.

The dark twisted thoughts of the life that could be and what could not. Yes, the happiness is there. You. Are there. I am with you, I have said yes, and it is perfect. We are harmonious we are together, as one. Between us we are unbeatable. The world is our oyster as we venture its green and blue scape till we reach the stars...

Yet, the darkest reaches of mind cause me to dwell amongst the contravening thoughts. The hate that I spawn upon my own fighting conscience, for I do not love easily.

It is not within my nature to love, and it is unfair of you to expect me to love, as you do. You cannot expect that one single message, with three single words would cause so much despair and disruption to my own heart. As I look upon that message. My eyes burn over the same three words, each time they brand my heart. I. Love. You.

I do not know what to do. My immediate response came from the emotive side of myself that is only revealed through the people in my fictions. The heartfelt, cryptic, poetic words of my thoughts and feelings flowed onto the page with little restraint. But now, now the hate grows deep, as I sit in the deepening abyss of a null, breaking promises that I had sworn to keep. Thinking how it will go dark, how the happiness will be clouded out, fearing that history shall repeat itself. I will break you. And I know it, as I did before. And, if I am to try again then it shall only worsen, so what am I to do?

I sit here talking into the unknowing and unreliable reflection of myself. The tangled mess of mattered and unbrushed hair, sunken eyes surrounded by the ever darkening circles, the quivering lip of the emotional breakdown that these three words have thrust upon me. I look into those eyes and see nothing but the struggle, the languishing fight that is draining my days. My face is screwed into a furrowed mess, the creases upon my forehead grow deeper, as the forces of my emotional ruin take their stand.

I do not know what to do.

You expect me to give you an answer, Yes or No. It is not that simple! I'm sorry but yes or no is simply not acceptable for this matter, for I cannot simply say one or the other. I cannot simply tick a box. It is not that easy, do you not realise?

But you do.

I am thinking only of myself. You think I have forgotten, no I have not. I will never forget how I broke your heart. How it separated us from our strength as one. I lead you away. But now you return, calling my name. Leading me astray, changing my path that I had strewn for myself. What if?

I say yes, I had not planned to stay with you forever yet, if I agree I will feel obliged to. I don't know why but I feel it is my duty to forgive myself for what I did, and you to forgive me, by loving you as you do to me. Or state, to love me.

I have not thought of this path before these words were stated, for it had not even been considered. I had a path of science, of discovery and development, but now that path has been diminished by another, a path of uncertainty and mysteries. It is an obstacle blocking the way to my dreams.

If I say no, then I can ignore you, I think. I hope. If I say no then we can remain at the happy neutral and get on with life. I can achieve, but what of you? How would my second rejection affect you? I feel I must do what is right for myself, yet I feel a great obligation to care for those closest to me.

I am left, without a decision, my mind is rattling over the possibilities, the outcomes. The good, the bad. And nothing weighs out.

Undecided, I find my lip has trembled over the edge, my forehead clenched as tight as it could and the sullen eyes are filled with the salt lake tear drops of emotion. Running trails of everlasting thought in its wake, downwards they drip into the darkness. The thick mucus ladens my throat and my heart clenched, I will not cry out, for I must be silent, no one must know. I lay, in the comfort of my bed, the chill of the night surrounds me in my pitch setting and the pillow dampens as my tears fill it's embodiment.

I am left without hope of ever finding an answer. Left to the seamless drift of sleep.