My life is made up of unspoken words.
If I had spoken most of them, my life would be a living hell. Or rather, even more of a living hell than it already is. I have no need to bring more pain into my life by saying things that needn’t be said.
Sometimes I picture in my mind the potential repercussions of my unspoken words. (Because my mind speaks to me in pictures, in emotion and colour, and not in words.) Today, this brief image flashed through my head: a blow to the cheekbone, a crunch, a shriek. A crumpling to the ground. Something horrific, and yet not totally inconceivable. This is what keeps my mouth shut.
Certainly most of what is said to me is unfiltered. How else could I be brought to such a broken, tortured and unbearable state? But I cannot forget the unspoken words I scream at myself - the raw, unadulterated hatred I exude within myself at each tiny flaw. My heart leaks with self-loathing, poisoning every fibre of my being. But, most importantly, poisoning my mind. Surely this self-destruction is a cause of my dwindling well being. Not the only one, but a significant one.
I am not a girl who blames herself, however. I have an uncanny grip on reality, which might be part of why I’m so depressed. Reality tells me there’s more out there that hates me, more than just myself. Hence the cold words and cold silences. Hence the emotional beatings I take every day.
Reality also tells me it’s unhealthy to allow myself to be stepped on. This is where reality presents within me a conflict of interest. Say what I feel: be [emotionally, verbally, physically] punished for it. Don’t say what I feel: be [emotionally, verbally, physically] punished for it. I cannot win.
No matter, though. Life is all about no-win scenarios. It’s all part of the routine; it’s nothing new to me at all. My unspoken words have lit a fire within me. They can say what they want to say. But I’m finding a new direction in life; I’m carving a new path. I will make sure they feel the effects that their words had on me.
May all the bridges I burn light the way.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This I must say really makes me think your being bullied everyday, I'm not saying that you are but what you write here makes me think that you are and that you are calling out help for someone to aid you. This is great it presents what most kids go though nowa days, and it demands something be done I can feel pure raw emotion from this and I wonder what is going on in your real life, your personal life. weather you won't to say what is going on or not just know you do have people here to talk to you and guide you to a brighter future.