Published November 25, 2010
He had driven for quite a long time and he knew that if he kept going on a straight line he would end up in the ocean. He had no real destination because he had no specific victim. The road trip was supposed to be mind-clearing, blood-refrigerating. He had to do this entirely calm, empty of emotions in order to let the rush of the moment invade his whole body. But some unconscious part of his mind had overruled his will and so he had driven for nearly three hours with top loud music thinking of superficial moments and dreams of his life, never narrowing to the bomb he was about to detonate and that would blow up everything he has ever built (or destroyed) in his soul. Liam stopped on the side way of an empty unknown road and lit a cigarette. The white clouds floating in his car reminded him of the first time he experienced the emotion he was tracking. He was 17 or 18 and waiting for the bus that was supposed to drive him to the mountains and not supposed to forget him. As he was trying to drown his anger in the blue of the Olympic sky, he saw what he guessed as an helicopter falling nose forwards to the ground. Some hills were standing between him and the sight of the crash but he saw the consequence : blue sky and a big black smoke. He realized what just happened, he had witnessed death. He remembered the vehicle dropping from the sky and tried to imagine the pilots' behavior during these 5 seconds. They knew they were attracted by gravity to a certain death. Were they going crazy trying hopeless survival acts or committing wisely to their destiny? This question fascinated him. And he promised himself he would one day be a first class, front row witness to the answer. This reminiscence gave him the strength and wisdom he needed to continue his quest as he started the engine and pulled back on the anonymous road.
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139,483 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
I liked it a lot. You are off to an amazing start, but I regretfully must inform you that I found some flaws within it.
But, over all, ut was a great thing you have written. You do have a talent within you.
I do like your writing style and the way you put the words to form the story.
Nice start, but just s few things.
First off, let's add a few spaces-
Now we can focus more ( and better understand) this passage.
Now, let's underline/highlight/bold the first word of all your sentences.
After underling/highlighting/bolding each word, you can see that you used "he" entirely way too much. Try alternating between he,Liam (that's his name, right?) or just change the way you begin a sentence all together.
* That sentence seems slightly choppy.
Try deleting the end completely and saying something that still gets the urgency across, but a a little clearer.Or you could divide the sentence down the middle.
and another-
Try to re-word it so it flows a little more.
This way, we eliminate another "he" but we still get the point across to the reader.
Other than that, really nice story/plot/beginning.
Keep on writing! Hope this Helps!
-jojo