Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Ash could hear the attackers on the wind before they attacked.
Ash and her brother had just finished running exercises in the woods. They were sweaty, tired and a little grumpy. They were walking back, enjoying the end of the day sunlight when Ash realized someone was stalking them. It was quiet, too quiet for the bustling woods. She halted and five men jumped out of the trees and surrounded the siblings. Ash looked at them, They are messing with the wrong people, she thought. Then she attacked.
She pulled two hunting knives out of her boots, catching her opponents off guard. She handed one to Lysander, her brother, and swiped at the man closes to her. He was an inch taller than she, but that didn’t worry Ash. She swiped again, and he stepped back giving himself enough room to pull out a short sword. She smirked and thought, a wrong choice buddy and quickly disarmed him. He seemed so surprised that he stooped down to pick up his blade and didn’t see as her hilt brought darkness.
Ash saw her brother had taken her blade and was using it. She smiled at the sight, feeling like a proud older sister and then hit the man who was trying to sneak up on her.
“Sander watch out,” she yelled at him. Sander ducked, and Ash threw a short dagger she produced from her sleeve at the man trying to ambush him.
While she was saving her brother’s life, the last thief attacked her from behind. He got so close he seized her waist and dragged her over to the trees.
“Well I’ll be damned, my men are being outsmarted by a girl!” he tightened his grip,”You fight well but your brother is struggling. He’s an athlete by the look of him, but that's standard for a Marish.”
“Get off you filthy son of a whore,” she stomped on his foot as hard as possible and elbowed him in the groin.
He howled and loosened his grip; it was just enough for her to free herself.
“You bitch!” He launched at her in anger.
He only hit her arm because of his frenzied start and landed a foot away. He moaned in pain, but she did not hear it as she sunk her last blade into his back.
“This bitch,” she whispered, “doesn’t like being messed with.”
Ash took her hunting blade, slid it back into her boot and jogged over to her brother.
“You ok?” she asked.
“Yeah fine, they got up on us.”
“I heard them minutes before they attack,” she said casually, “but I wasn’t sure if they were stalking us, so I didn’t warn you.”
“Alright then,” he handed the blade back, “I thought mother took your blades away?”
She smiled, “You think I gave them all to her?” -She took one from her sheath and tossed it back from hand to hand- ”This girl needs her blades. Now hurry, mother will notice our absence.”
They quickly jogged through the forest reaching their beautiful town of Maro in mere minutes. They stopped at the gate to say hello to the sentries but soon hurried into the town, not wanting to dawdle. They swiftly picked their way through the brightly dressed civilians of Maro. It was market day, so the town was a mix of shouts, laughter and good scents.
The siblings pushed through the jostling crowd and only stopped when they saw apple cakes for sale. Ash looked at her brother and thought he looked about ten rather than fifteen. He eyed the cakes with ferocity and wanting, so it wasn’t hard for the older sister to produce a gold coin.
“Sander do you want one?” she asked.
He nodded meekly, so she handed the gold coin to the vendor.
“Two each, please,” she said.
The vendor handed her two each and gave them extra vanilla cream to dip them in.
After the slight delay, they took their cakes and pretended not to notice the people’s stares. They both licked the buttery frosting from their finger and bit into the intense flavors of vanilla and cinnamon. After the first bite, they inhaled them and finally made it to the pristine gate of the Brayburn estate.
Two black Gransling horses were neighing nervously at the stable boys who were trying to coax them into the barn. The siblings stopped in their tracks.
That’s weird, Ash thought, I did not know that we had Tal company today.
She looked puzzled at her brother, but his expression mirrored her own.
Bred for war in the city of Tal, the Gransling horses are trained under the most scrupulous care, she thought, the Colts are born and assigned to the newest soldiers of the city, usually boys. These kids train these creatures of strength and speed to obey them and only them. Why are they going into our stables?
“I did not know that we had guests arriving from Tal,” Sander said.
“Neither did I.”
They both looked at each other and rushed to the doorway. They both did not want their mother to lose her wrath on them.
As they reached the door, it was flung open by their old nursemaid, Lyda.
“Children, where were you? You worried your mother sick!” Lyda chastised.
She looked them over and said, “Oh nevermind just go see your mother. She is in the sitting room.”
They both thanked her and set off as fast as possible. They did not dilly dally. They were still scared by their irrational actions.
They stopped right in front of the doorway. Their mother saw the children and quickly stood up, meeting them outside. Ash was yet again reminded why her mother was govern. At the age of 40, she was still very attractive and persuasive. Everyone said it was because of her graceful height and well-held demeanor.
Then there was Ash. She was always being reminded that her mother was flawless whereas she was so ineloquent from height and build. She was extremely tall, whereas her mother was perfectly set. She tried not to hate it but looking at her mother, she miserably failed.
Her mother frowned, “Who attacked you?” she asked.
Before Ash could ask how she knew her mother said, “Your clothes are dirty.”
“We were attacked by thieves," Ash said, "Luckily, I had my hunting knives on me and quickly got away.”
“You aren’t supposed to have any blades with you,” she stared Ash down, “but that's beside the point. The general of Tal is here to speak to us. Now get changed. Quickly now.”
She turned to speak to Sander and Ash took the chance to escape.
She sprinted up the stairs wondering why on earth the Tal general wanted to see her. She tried not to dwell on her hope of recruitment because she knew how slim her chances were. She was the govern’s daughter, not some little girl who could avoid her fate. She was in line to govern next and even though she hated that thought, it was a reality. She sighed and quickly stripped and put on a clean tunic and pants.
Indeed she was anxious to see who wanted to speak to her, so quickly she finished pulling her thick blonde hair into two braids. After finishing, she ran down the stairs to the sitting room.
Upon entering, she noticed two men, one younger and one older. The older man was in his mid 40’s. He was a big man from muscle. His long hair held in a ponytail. His eyes were warm, but his most prominent feature was his beard. It was big and braided with designed beads weaved into it. He was certainly a mountain man, a Tal man.
His companion was her age maybe a few years older with more lean muscles rather than large hulking ones. That did not stop him from being gorgeous. He had eyes that sparkled with the laughter of some inside joke. They were magical and mischievous. His hair was worn in a stylish braid that seemed to define his sharp cheekbones.
They both stood up after Ash looked them over. They were both tall, even taller than Ash and for the first time in a long time she felt intimidated.
“Hello Ashian Brayburn, I am Griffin, your father’s youngest brother.” he extended his hand.
Ash shook it, “my father told me much about you. He said your grandfather was so disappointed that you never could hold still through lessons, but somehow you could keep a blade deadly still.”
He smiled, “your father always accepted me. He knew I was different and fueled my passion for fighting rather than squashing it like a bug.”
“May the Gods have mercy on his soul,” Ash’s mother said.
“Yes,” Griffin gestured to his companion, “this is Maeron, he is my best soldier and comrade.”
Ash tried hard not to stare into that beautiful face. He extended his hand to her mother.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you miss Brayburn,” his voice was handsome and smooth.
He looked at Ash and gave her a quick nod. She returned it.
“It’s nice to meet you too,” Ash’s mother said.
She then turned to Griffin, “why did you come here without sending word ahead of time.”
“I’m so sorry; we’re starting recruiting and were out on the trail when we heard about the great warrior of Maro. I knew that you were govern and would help me find who this warrior was. So we turned around and headed here.”
No this cannot be real, Ash thought. She looked at Griffin and hoped that her mother wouldn’t lie.
Ash was a talented fighter. She had begun when her father was killed in his carriage. She wanted to learn how to defend herself and protect her loved ones, so she taught herself. After teaching herself as much hand-to-hand combat she could, she realized, she loved the sensation of the movements. She loved how they took her and swept her along. So she started practicing with daggers. Then it became swords, then bows, then spears. She taught herself all and began protecting Marish people, and they loved her for it. She started to feel needed and wasn’t just the govern’s spoiled daughter. She was the protector of Maro. A hero. She wondered if Griffin would believe her mother if he knew that.
Her mother looked at her; Ash sat up. She looked at her mother silently asking her, to tell the truth. She waited with baited breathe.
“What are you talking about,” her mother said slowly.
“I said there is a warrior in your midst that I want Mae to train personally,” Griffin said.
Ash tried hard not to think of Maeron teaching her or even better, her beating him.
“I know of only a few of my soldiers that are better than the rest,” she said, “but they are not so good to send to Tal. They aren't ready for the capital of warfare and warriors.”
“Hm,” he said, “then do you know Ash? I wanted to ask you because you are of the younger age and may know who because of association with them.”
Oh, I know one quite well, she thought, actually they live in my head to be exact.
“No sir,” she said.
Griffin looked at her mother, “are you sure Larken?”
Her mother nodded.
Ash sat back. She thought that maybe just maybe her mother would speak the truth. She should have known her mother would lie. Her mother was a coward for believing that she would never come home because she didn’t agree with her.
“Larken, I need to know who this person is. Usually, we don’t pick outside of our boundaries, but Tal is low on recruits this year. Please, Larken. My soldiers protect your city, this is the least you can do.”
Her mother sighed, “I guess there're a few boys...”
Lysander came into the room, “to hell she does; her own daughter is one,” he glared at his mother.
“You fight?” Griffin asked.
Ash looked at her mother. She is so uncertain on whether to respond with truth or make her mother happy. I just want to be happy again, Ash wanted to tell her mom, I’m sick of being chained to this life. So for once, she let her selfish little self-have what she wanted.
“Yes sir,” she said.
Griffin studied Ash, “Why didn’t you speak up?”
She gave him a look.
“How long have you been fighting?” he asked
“Seven years, sir,” she said.
“My God,” he turned to her mother, “why didn’t you tell me.”
Larken smiled sheepishly, “I didn’t want to say it outright. It’s never good to boost a child’s confidence too much.”
Liar, Ash thought, you’re just embarrassed to have a warrior in your own family.
“Are you any good?” he said.
“I can wield weapons and protect the people I love. If that means I’m good, then yes.”
He chuckled, “who would have imagined; my brother bred a warrior.”
Her mother stiffened but said nothing.
“Larken, may I be granted to take your daughter to Tal to learn the ways of the Talmen?”
Her mother looked at her again, “Ash can you leave the room?”
Ash looked at her strangely but left not wanting to risk the chance of going to Tal. She might go! She might go to the place she had been dreaming about for years. The place where she had felt at home.
She had visited Tal with her father once. Before he had died, he had needed to do business with the Tarken of Tal and had asked if she would come with him. She felt so special because he had only asked her, so she had said yes.
When they had gotten there, she had fallen in love with the slope of the hills that ran into a town. She thought the palace grounds of the Tarken were so elegant whereas her home was dull and boring compared to this. Tal was much bigger than Maro and was governed by a Tarken rather than a govern. She remembered asking her father why they didn't get a palace. Her father had laughed. Then he had explained that Tarken’s had much more land to govern and more people to take care of, so they got a palace.
She tried not to get her hopes up. Her mother is hard to persuade. Her mother didn’t like being pushed around, and that is exactly what Griffin was asking to do.
A short time later, Maeron opened the door to her. When she came in, she found her mother sitting, looking weary and worn down. Griffin wore a predatory smile. He had won, that was evident.
“Ash, unless you don’t want to go,” her mother said, “I am fine with you going, I’ve arranged some rules that Griffin is to obey.”
Ash was stricken that her mother had agreed to let her go. She looked at her beautiful mother who was rarely beaten in a fight. Griffin had won. He must be an ultimate match for her mother.
“Mother, are you sure?” she asked.
“Yes,” she smiled sadly at Ash, “I was a coward for thinking you would never come home.”
I was right, Ash thought. She smiled at her mother and pulled her into a hug.
“I love you,” she said.
"I love you too," her mother said.
She looked at Griffin.
“Ash, are you confident that you want to do this?” Griffin asked.
“Yes,” Ash breathed, “take me to Tal.”
“Then go pack,” he said, “don’t pack too much clothing because we will provide clothing and necessities when we get there. Though, you may take anything we can’t replace.”
“Yes sir,” Ash said. Then she ran up the stairs.
She packed only a few clothing articles, a thick cloak, all her money she had earned, Her favorite books, and her favorite knives and daggers.
After she was done, she picked up her small pack and came back down stairs. She was greeted with Lysander, Lyda, her mother, Griffin, and Maeron.
“Ash,” Lysander ran to her.
He met her in a big hug, “I will miss you. Also, I'm sorry for bursting into the room like that, but I couldn’t let mother get away with not telling them.”
Ash hugged her brother tight, “I can never thank you enough. I will always envy your bluntness but stop saying dirty words like hell; you’re not old enough to say them.”
He rolled his eyes and held her even tighter.
Ash looked at her mother and slowly disentangled herself from Sander and ran to her.
“Mother,” she muffled into her mother’s hair, “I love you so much.”
“Me too darling,” she chokes down a sob, “I should have never lied. I’ve always loved your courage.”
“It’s ok mommy,” she said, “I'll see you soon. I’ll visit at winter holiday.”
“Ok,” her mother murmured then let go.
She wiped away her tears and walked over to Griffin.
“I am ready,” she said.
“Wait, dear,” Lyda said.
She walked over to Ash and handed her a package filled with food.
“I-I,” Lyda blinked away her tears, “went to the market and got you some food, I even got some apple cakes, your favorite.”
“Oh Nan, you know me so well,” Ash was so taken aback by this that another tear escaped down her cheek.
Lyda curtsied.
“Oh no, that won’t do,” Ash pulled her into a hug.
Lyda gasped but soon relaxed and wrapped her arms around her. She pulled back and said, “now don’t get hurt and do not go sleep around with boys,” she gave her a stern look and looked at Maeron, “do you understand boy?”
“Nan!” Ash gasped and laughed.
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll protect her,” Maeron saluted and chuckled.
She rolled her eyes and wiped the stray tears. Then gave her mother and her brother one more hug and followed Griffin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey, great job!
Grammatical Etc. errors:
So this thought should be in present tense because we think in present tense when it's that moment. Instead you should say something like,
At the end here it would better if instead of saying Sander again you just say him.
So as you can see you say picked up the pace twice when really you only need to say it once or the second time say: Picked up the pace even more.
I think you meant to add for in here, but just accidentally forgot it.
Character: You develop each character pretty well giving us a little personality of each.
Plot: Your plot is very interesting and you are keeping it at a good pace.
Description: You have ok descriptions although you could add in some more. We don't know what the main character looks like yet so maybe try sneaking that into the next chapter.
Tense: In some places your tense gets a little mixed up so you might want to read over this an extra time to fix a couple of those.
Overall this was a very interesting and entertaining read.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
P.S. Please PM me when you put out the next chapter.
Yay! Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it and I'll look it over!
Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!
This is a pretty good story! I only have a couple of concerns:
"Ash could hear the attackers on the wind before they attacked.
Ash and her brother had just finished running exercises and were traveling back home when the band of robbers attacked. Five men jumped out of the trees and surrounded the siblings. Ash looked at them, They messed with the wrong people, she thought. Then she attacked."
The beginning feels a little rushed. Perhaps you could describe their surroundings while they were traveling home. What does the place smell like? Is it dark out? Are there many people out? What are they both wearing?
Also, the mother mentions that there's blood on their pants on the walk home. When the two of them went to the market, wouldn't people have noticed if there was blood on their pants? One final thing, is the market scene absolutely necessary?
You overuse the word "so" a bit. "so" is a good word to be used sparingly, but otherwise you should just delete it where it's not needed. Also, perhaps you should put up a warning that there's language and violence there. It doesn't bother most people, but it's kind of a rule that you have to do that.
All in all, a pretty good story! Do you think that perhaps you could PM me when the next chapter comes up? I'd like to keep reviewing it!
-Cups
Yay! I'm glad you are interested and I will pm u when the next ones out!
Thanks a bunch!