Passing the Exams

Passing the Exams

I know this! I told myself, I need to know this. I was sitting cross legged on the uncomfortable and cold floor of the Civil Service exam, staring blankly at my paper, I couldn’t remember anything. My mind had gone blank, and it seemed like all the information I knew had got up and left, leaving me here to guess the answers on my own. I suddenly realized that if I did not get this job I had no real backup plan, I knew that I had a temporary job, farming rice while I waited to hear from the government, but after that I had nothing else. I thought of my family and them relying on me to make enough money and not having to pay taxes or do military service. I had already done some meditation to try to calm myself down, but all I kept thinking about is how I still needed to answer the last question!

I looked around the small room I sat in, my eyes settled upon the one door that I knew had a tight lock. The whole test had been set up to prevent cheating. I looked at what I had written so far about Confucius. I had made sure that my work looked as neat as possible. Even though I knew that whoever looked over the tests would not be looking at this paper. First someone would copy my work, this was to prevent favoritism. I gave a long slow sigh, coping all of my work would probably be a waste of someones’ time, because no one would have ever heard of Sham Sūn before. Just one more person who had come from a poor farming family that people had never heard of.

I originally thought that they were kidding when they said that I passed the preliminary local test, it just couldn't be right. My whole family seemed too proud of me and all thankfully said that I would help the family make a comeback from hard times. At first it seemed like I actually could help the family plus I kind of enjoyed the attention, then reality came swooping back to me as I realized that I was not a scholar official yet, and I still had to pass the test at the capitol.

After two days in the testing room, all I had to do was write the last answer which was about the five types of respect five Confucius taught. I had already put down, husband to wife, junior to elder, older sibling to younger sibling, and ruler to subject. What am I missing? I asked myself, calm down, Shan Sun!

The answer suddenly popped into my head, father to son! I quickly wrote it down, father to son, I thought. I remembered what my Fùqīn had said to me before I left, ”You are going to make me so proud and will help us all” he had said it with a smile even though I knew he was in pain from his leg which had been hurt when he had a bad fall while farming. This brought even more pressure, I was going to help all of us? I could barely remember the answers and even if I did pass the test to be a scholar official I wouldn't know for a long time, how was I supposed to help everyone?

I had gotten so lost in thought that I didn’t hear the serious looking man who opened the door to tell me that the test had ended over and that I could leave. I left as quickly as I could, got my things and made the tiring journey home.

When I got home I found Chunwaiting for me outside, she was wearing a hemp dress and had her hair pinned up in a simple style that I knew that she liked. Chun had come from a poor family and they could not afford to have her feet bound because they needed to have everyone to work and help the family. The only thing that seemed different about her was that she had a sad frown that replaced usual smile.What did I do? What happened while I was gone? Did something happen to Fùqīn?

“Welcome back,” she said putting on a small smile, but not quite looking me in the eye, “I have some bad news, some of my cousins are having a hard time with food and money. Somehow they heard that you were going to do the Civil Service exam, and are asking for our support. We barey are handling things with only four people. Also you won't get paid very much in your part time job while you wait to hear back from the government. We are barely have enough food for ourselves!” she took a deep shaking breath and spoke slowly, “I just don’t know what to tell them.”

I smoothed my black hemp clothes with a sigh and said, “Well, we'll figure something out, its going to be fine. Lets go inside and have some tea and see if there is anything that we can do for them.” I gave her a big smile, I hoped that I looked confident enough to make her think that everything had gone fine at the test and that I was sure I would get the job.

Just then Jing came running out of the house with an incredibly large smile on his face, “You’re back!” he shouted, as he came to a stop in front of us. Jing had only recently turned five, something that he was very proud of. Jing had unfortunately been born at a bad time in our lives when we didn’t have a lot of money, right after my mother left.

As we reached the house I had gone over what I was going to talk about with Chan’s cousins. I would tell them that we would try to help them to the best of our ability, but nothing more than we could promise. We can do this. I told myself, and somewhere deep inside of me I believed myself.