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Life Monologue

by mjenks


I remember when I was 6, running up the stairs with the stinging on the back of my leg. Running from the anger in her voice, the evil in her eyes. I remember when I was 7 saying “daddy, mummy hits me and I don’t know why”. The surprise and anger in his eyes were ones I had seen before, and would see many times from him again.

I remember being 9 and having the shadow of my Dad looming over me. The raised hand to my face, the tears in his eyes that were reflected in mine too. The screams from my stepmother, directed at me, were equal to the ones in my head. I remember being 10 in the back of the car surrounded by bin bags, the garbage of my life I called them. There was a searing anger in the air mixed with a disgusted disappointment. The child lock was on. He knew what I was thinking.

I remember being 12, living with my grandparents, my Nan being diagnosed with Cancer. I sank to the floor as I listened to her on the phone downstairs. The agony roared up inside me again. I cried for many nights after that, wishing for it not to be true, I had just found a home again, it couldn’t be taken away. I remember being 14, or maybe 15, my life being a blur. I looked after my grandparents now. My Dad had also been diagnosed with Cancer, this one terminal. I banged my head on the wall, trying to overcome the pain of it all.

I remember being 16, a not-so-typical moody teenager. My Nan holding me against the wall, shouting in my face. That was the day she blamed me for her and Dads Cancer. My Grandad shouting in the background that he was going to murder me, with the hatred of a thousand men in his wheezy voice. That was the day the guilt started.

I remember being 17, in foster care already for a year, after being in too many other homes before. I found my forever family, I thought. I remember on the 13th of December, 2015 my phone ringing. He had died. Tears flooded my eyes and I cried and sobbed into my Foster Mothers shoulder. I couldn’t believe it. After everything, he was my Dad, my BFG, the hero that saved me from Mum and brought me into a new hell, but still my heart was full of love for him.

My Grandad followed him a few months later.

I remember being 3, when it all started. My Mum and Dad screaming, threatening each other with knives and irons. I remember the sirens, my sister on the phone, locking the bedroom door.

I remember it all, and oh god I wish I didn’t. I wish it never began.


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126 Reviews


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Tue May 23, 2017 10:52 pm
papillote wrote a review...



Hi, MJenks.
First of all, I'm really sorry you have so many bad things to remember. I'm also sorry you had to lose your father and your grandfather. Having lost my mother myself when I was much too young, I know how it feels. It was actually the anniversary of her death two days ago and I spent the entire day curled up in bed with the headache from hell. The pain never goes away.
I think it's especially hard for people like us, who didn't have a 'normal' childhood because, on top of missing a parent, we have lots of unresolved issues with them. I know I'm sad that my mother isn't there anymore but I'm also angry with her for putting up with my father and the way he treated us, I'm ashamed of her weakness and I'm terrified I'm going to become one of my parents when I grow older and have my own children (which I'm not sure I will let happen).
It seems that you ended up in a decent foster family so that's at least one thing to be glad for.
I was a little confused at times. I understand that the way you chose to tell your story, like showing us snapshot after snapshot of you growing up, makes it hard to do much explaining but it felt like there were holes in the story.
I don't understand why your grandparents blamed their cancers on you. Were they really superstitious or was that the cancer and old age talking? How can abuse have a starting point? Is that simply the first time you remember your parents being violent? And what happened to your sister?
Anyway, good luck, MJenks.




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Tue May 23, 2017 6:02 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I cannot even begin to image what it must have been like for you. I am gonna say somethings that would make this better but please don't think I am saying anything bad about you or your situation.
First of all, your structure could use some work, its just telling me thing after thing. You could start with one thing then tell of the events leading up to it. Also "I Remember" gets repetitive after a while and is a very flat way to begin a paragraph.
That being said you did a good job keeping the flow going considering the type of story that it is. Your ending was the strongest part you showed the way losing your dad killed you but at the same time you had a deep hatred for him.
Over all this story was good, I could feel your emotions yet you didn't make me get to attached to the story.
If you ever need to talk just PM me, I'm almost always online and avalible to chat about anything. Again sorry about your family life it sounds rough. Just keep going and have faith.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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Tue May 23, 2017 4:58 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi there, welcome to the site! Sorry if that sounded too enthusiastic for the subject matter. Before I start, I want you to know that even though I'm going to critique this, I understand that this is a horrible situation and I can tell you feel very emotional about it. Please keep in mind that I am not critiquing your reaction to the situation. Alternatively you were already prepared to do that and I've just been incredibly condescending. Aaaanyway...

The first thing that occurs to me is that the structure of this is a little meh. It's very linear, just telling me a thing after a thing after a thing. It's written well, so it doesn't feel too much like an infodump, but it actually kind of is, and would be more engaging if there was even one event happening now that I could anchor all these thoughts to. For example, you could start with crying on your Foster Mum's shoulder, and then tell me about all the things that led up to it. Maybe even a conversation with your Foster Mum? Then it would actually feel like a plot that we could get on board with and you could have different memories pop up at the moments they were relevant. Also "I remember" is a bit flat and gets repetitive after a while.

That being said, this does flow well for what it is. Your ending is especially good at showing the complexity of emotions you feel. You're angry at your dad, but it still crushes you that he's gone. I think it would make sense if this was the sentiment you ended on, that being the most emotionally potent feeling you show. Of course you wish none of this had happened; it's less obvious and therefore more shocking and more haunting that you have that internal conflict about your dad.

Once you're within the memories you convey impressions of the characters (well, real people, but you know what I mean), really well. Only thing here is that it was confusing that it went from your dad being shocked that your mum hit you to your dad hitting you. I know this is also confusing for young-you, but you have to make that explicit so that it doesn't feel like I'm missing something.

I think that's everything. PM me if you need to chat about this. We also have an unofficial yws discord server which has a serious discussion corner that is really good for getting advice as well.

Biscuits




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Tue May 23, 2017 4:08 pm
Thisislegacy says...



Legacy here. I usually don't leave just a comment but I will do so. That sounds so sucky for a lack of a better word. If you need someone to talk to, I am always here.





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