This is really good, and i love it! I only think that this line:
"Start with your cool lips lightly on my collarbone." seem to not really fit werll with the rest of the poem as it seems too long? Just a thought, anyway, keep writing, its amazing.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I haven't reviewed poetry recently, but I had to for this one.
I love this poem. It is brilliantly crafted and expressed, and there is nothing (in my opinion) to fix. I especially like the last stanza. This is probably my favourite poem I've ever read, anywhere, anytime. This is amazing. I already have it as a bookmark on my computer.
Keep writing more poems like this!
I like it.
Perhaps a comma after shoulders? I found I had to read this part twice to understand your meaning, that it was the ribs rising, not the shoulders. It's a little confusing, and I think a comma would give it clarity.
This part didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem so well - it seemed like a transition section, and it breaks with the character of the rest of the piece.
Wonderfully conveyed atmosphere, I love the winter metaphor throughout. Beautiful poem.