Ice Cubes #6

Hey. Just got on to quickly read the next part lol. Umm... just a couple of things here.

I was opting for number two but Sappy seemed to want to go without a present

I thought number two was to go without the present lol? I may be getting a little confused lol.

This was an incredibly deal for me

should that be incredibly big deal?

And that's such a great present lmao, I'm sure every girl wants a green hair tie...

Anyway, that's all from me. xD See you.

-Mat

1. We go to the party with a present and have a jolly good time even if it is a bit crap.

2. We go to the party without a present and make the birthday girl's life hell as we didn't like her anyway.

Hahahah, these first two options made me laugh.

The only error I spotted was in your second big paragraph, "This was an incredibly deal for me," I think you've missed a word between 'incredibly' and 'deal'.

I'd agree and think Jamiy was older than 11, but on that same topic I'd think you'd be older than 16 for the ability of writing something like this. Ah, well maybe the English are just ahead of us, it is fashion wise so why not maturity? Hahahah, I'm joking on that last bit.

I'm hooked, I'm not stopping now.

Edited

Quote:
I didn’t hold anything against her for this, as the time we were supposed to be studying we were laughing and flouncing around the school

Don't we all.

There are some parts where you switch from past tense to present tense. From what i have read, this book is past so look back at your book and switch all present to past. I don't picture this kid at the age of eleven. I think of him as at least thirteen ot fourteen, but you did make mention that he is mature for his age. This was a good piece. I really enjoyed it. Keep it up.

A sugar lace is like this sweet thing that you get in pick and mix bags, its long and red and chewy and covered in sugar

hehe. cool money!!!!
here we just have a stupid $ sign. *Shakes head sadly*

What's sugar lace???