Published March 29, 2007
Taken down due to publishing
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Canary word: Present
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Well, this was good. It actually made me cringe a little when he pierced her lol. But i'm curoius about why Rob was sad. he got rid of his daughter, and she didn't seem to be the nicest person!
But I guess I have another 25 Chapters to find out in, don't I lol? Nothing wrong here (as there wouldn't be, it's been edited 5 times lol), so I'll just head off. 
Edited (Im editing them all)
Quote:
and I defiantly didn’t like the thought of them seeing
Should be definantly not defiantly
Quote:
“She also pierced my hand,” I lied, I wanted to provoke a reaction. The truth was, I was the one who pierced Sappy’s hand on the bus home. She placed a pin in my pal, her blue eyes gleaming with excitement
I am confused here with the last sentance.
Quote:
almost the biggest ever relief I had ever
remove the first ever
Your story is really awesome. I can't stop reading it. It lacks a few details here and there, but the reader still gets the picture.
palm? with an m right???
another incomplete word. In this case I think t should be at....
Punctuation, the period comes before the last quotation mark, not after. This way you don't need the comma.
Same thing as above.
I'm mildly addicted =)
Okay, mildly was a lie, I'm definently in love with this story!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can only assume that you've already started continuing it again, so I shall as well!
ONWARD!!!!!!
-JC
Just so you know, I wont be posting this again for a while, I figure i need to work on the first bits again, so let me know if you have any ideas!