Published April 9, 2007
Taken down due to publishing
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Come, on, let me touch you,”
You don't need the comma after come.
God, your so fucking cute,”.
*you're
You're turning into like, the queen of surprises lol! And I'm only on Chapter 12. =O I have no idea how many surprises you could still have in store lmao. And now I need more.
Edited and the numbers are also sorted out now
Should be you're
I like this, once again, muchos too short, but I still love where you're taking the story.
I agree with Alainna, there could be a lot more emotion here, this is an emotional issue, most people would be freaking out, but instead Jamie seems almost too calm for what is happening to him.
Oh, and uh...stupididiot92 (I feel bad typing that, is there something else I can call you?) I like your last sentences, they made me smile. =D kinda like that. hehe.
-JC
Quote:
shorter to Sappy
to should be than
Quote:
Chris’s voice is gruff, his throat must be sore
You've changed to present. Your story before had been in the past but it is now written in the present. I liked your story how it was written in the past. I like the way your are writing the story. This i hadn't really seen coming. I had thought about it than just disregarded it.
That was evil...but great.
I liked the way you described Jaime as thinking he was running away.
Could there have been even more emotion? Maybe?
Fantastic,
Keep going,
Alainna
xxxxxxxxx