Chapter One (Scarlet)
I looked out to the burning chaos ingulfing the planet. I knew our lives would never be the same cause I was the Earth's Savior. I couldn't live up to the role I was only 17, but I knew we'd be alright. I turned away from the chaos around us and stared into his eyes. He nodded and we started off again. Back into the chaos...
Welp this is my story. It all started about a year ago, I was awakened very suddenly out of a deep sleep.
"Scarlet, Scarlet. You're gonna be late for school again. Get up now! You can't afford any tardies," my mother yelled from downstairs. I dragged myself out of bed found a change of clothes and ran downstairs. "Oh no no, this won't do! Not for my honors student. Go change right away and put on some makeup. I'll drive you into school." I ran back upstairs once again. I put on different clothes, put some mascara on my blue eyes, and combed my fiery red hair. Waves fell down around my face, and as I looked in the mirror I wished I was a different person. I wished I could make a difference and matter to someone... anyone. Reality hit me and I ran back downstairs. "Much better, here's breakfast. You can eat in the car, let's go."
It was the first day back to school. I walked into the building searching for Lilly. I waited for her till the first bell rung with a dung throughout the halls. I started to walk to my class alone. I got to class sad to not see Lilly. History class droned on and on. Half way through the class Mr.Dobs, the teacher, got a call. "Scarlet principal's office," he called out after he'd hung up. I grabbed my backpack and walked out of the class glad for an excuse to leave. I knew it was going to be a long year. As I entered the office their was a boy with the principal.
The boy had eyes that sparkled like a bright, clear emerald with dark chestnut hair to contrast the green of his eyes. "Uh um," the principal impatiently sounded. Snatched out of my fantasy once again today I turned to look at the principal. "You will show him around. He's new and going into junior year just like you, so keep an eye on him."
"Um so what do you want to see first," I questioned trying not to look at his face. He had one of those unblemished faces, and such a nice tan, and oh don't even get me started on those muscles.
"How about the science lab. You guys have one right?" I nodded tongue tied and started off down the hall. We entered the lab a little later. I opened the door and started to tell him about the lab, but I stopped when I saw it. A jasmine colored ball, that looked like a sponge with Scarlet dripped in blue paint on it. I walked over to it to see what it was, it was as hard as a rock, and some stone I'd never seen before.
"What on earth." I walked deeper into the lab and found a rock cutter. I shoved the rock in, and watched the machine turn and split the rock in half. I picked up the rock and in the middle was a rolled up xanthic colored paper. I unrolled it and whispered it out loud. "We're coming for you Scarlet. We will destroy you, and chaos will win." I rolled up the paper and looked to the boy with concern. His face was wrinkled with worry. I sat down to think. The rest of the day I was in a trance. I walked onto the bus, and saw the boy in my seat. "Hey, um sorry, but that's my seat."
"The names Chase, Chase Dexter, and actually I was told to sit here." I sat down and was quiet for about ten minutes.
"Hey Chase I'm sorry for snapping at you it's been a rough day. Please don't tell anybody about that thing okay," I commented.
"It's okay, and don't worry I won't. Don't want to lose the one friend I've made. Well, this is my stop see ya tomorrow." The bus slowed and he hopped off and started off towards a house. The bus lurched forward again and I was left with my thoughts till I arrived home.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
YA genre with a female chosen one protagonist and a hot male love interest? I'm strapping in my seatbelt already - I'm in for this ride 'til the end. I enjoy these types of stories, even if they're common. Each author's take on this kind of plot is a unique take on it, after all.
I hope you enjoy it here as much as I do. I'm here to do a quick review on this piece in the spirit of RevMo, if you don't mind. This'll be a short review, since this chapter is also short.
The beginning paragraph is pretty great and draws me in immediately, and the pictures, as someone else as already said, are a nice touch. Chase seems like a nice person so far, as does Scarlet. Their conversation at the end is sweet, and I look forward to seeing their friendship/relationship develop.
But that aside, welcome to YWS, mistressbrennam!
And that's really the only thing I want to comment on - the length of the chapter. Short chapters aren't necessarily bad, of course, but they can be a sign of pacing problems if there's a lot packed into those short chapters. The events in this chapter move on to the next pretty quickly, so to that I say: take your time. Slow down and don't be afraid to describe the setting, what the characters are doing, what they're thinking, all that. I understand wanting to move the plot along, but these small things can let me - the reader - appreciate the characters and setting a lot more, and let me take in the world your story is set in, as well as the story itself. And from what I see here, I'm definitely interested in reading more of your story and enjoying it at my own pace.
Other than the pacing, there's no problems I have with this.
I have to say: my favourite part of this chapter?
Gotta love that description. xD
With all that said, I look forward to seeing more of this story in general. If you plan to post more chapters, you'll need to pay in points, and to get points you'll need to review other people's works. That's how YWS... well, works. I hope to see more of you around the site! We could always use some more active members here.
And I'm ending this review here! I'm sorry if anything I said was harsh, confusing, or just plain wrong. Please feel free to shout at me through PM if you need. Thank you for the great read and keep up the good work!
Hey there, mistressbrennam. I agree with tswizzy22! I love the pictures.
I looked out to the burning chaos ingulfing the planet. I knew our lives would never be the same...
I know for certain that you're writing this in a 'young adult' style. You've ticked all the boxes for the beginning of a YA novel. Straight into the action, young teenager with too much responsibility thrust upon them, hot love interests, dystopian world... I could go on. I guess what I'm saying is I appreciate how you've clearly placed this in a particular genre. Though it doesn't really matter for sharing stories online, publishers smile upon it.
I couldn't live up to the role I was only 17, but I knew we'd be alright.
I nodded tongue tied and started off down the hall. We entered the lab a little later.
Something I noticed throughout the text is that you're missing some punctuation. I highlighted a couple examples above. Some commas would work well. I couldn't live up to the role, I was only 17. I nodded, tongue tied, and started off down the hall. You see? Basically, if you would pause when talking, add a comma. You've done this correctly in places as well, so I think it just needs an extra read through.
Chase's character was interesting. Because he's described as the 'handsome new guy' I thought he would also have the same traits as your typical 'handsome new guy'. You know, mean, arrogant, etc... but his actions show that there's more to him once you get to know him. I'm interested to learn more.
There were some paragraphs which you needed to split into multiple paragraphs when a person began talking. If there's a new line of thought, or a new piece of dialogue, you can start a new paragraph.
That's all from me. I enjoyed the flashback and then the introductory scenes. I'd be glad to review the later chapters if you'd let me know when they're uploaded to Yewis.
Oh the pictures are a nice touch, I like it.
How did Scarlet, the savior of the world, know that everything would be alright if she felt like she wasn't prepared for that role?
Good character description when she was getting ready for school, and when describing the boy in the principals office, they matched their pictures very well.
Kind of weird that the principal would just call Scarlet out of class and down to tell her to guide the boy around. Is she in some sort leadership program where she would do this?
Was the lab just empty when they went? Students aren't normally allowed to just walk into labs and grab whatever equipment their heart desires.
I like the mystery element, not knowing who sent the rock, or why. It seems like a good way to drive the plot.