Published April 14, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
sweet dread sweet dreams
sweet love for the means
as to which someone meet their lovely end
the ghosts of your unconscious swim through visions like candy
sweet dead sweet leaf
sweet hatred for the meanie who has decided your
spleen is a delectable means of reaching their psyche’s sweet teeth
love for death drives their unconscious through the terror of reality
and reality has quit on them and they’re left to their sickly saccharine wishes like a butler left
to serve the spoiled brats it has sprung from its rationale don’t be too sweet
don’t be too sweet darling. oh they’ll eat you up they’ll bite into to you
rip a piece of your delicious flesh off with their bare teeth and have you for supper
i hate it when people, especially my mother, make that weird smacking sound when they eat.
it’s disgustingly self-indulgent.
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140,535 Literary Works • 673,407 Reviews
Awesome job done here! Wow, this is very visual. I could picture everything nicely.
I liked your use of imagery, and your descriptions are up to par. I'm not a huge expert of Hannibal Lector, or poetry. But I think this is a great poem.
Woah. This gaves me chills. Really, It did. It's amazing! Like, totally awesome! I Love it!!! I'm going to share it with some friends. Hopefully you don't mind!
Okay so good job, I'm a big Hannibal Lector fan. Not in the "I love to watch flesh be devoured way"...just so we're clear.
To start off I like the last two lines a lot, they're great I'm just not sure if they fit in that paragraph, I think a better set up is needed.
Just a few more critiques...
1. "sweet dread sweet dreams"
I feel a comma is needed here between dread and sweet. Same goes for its sister line in the next stanza and just a personal preference but I would have carried that opening for the third stanza as well.
2. Also to do with the first bit, your first two lines rhyme but no other lines do, keep the rhyming throughout or get rid of it entirely.
3. I'm haven't seen this show so I'm not sure if the word "meanie" has significance in it but if it doesn't I would replace it with something more grown up.
4. Capitalize "I". All the time. Everytime.
5. The last bit I would say is to just work on where you cut to the next line. Some of your lines feel like they are cut short and others are too long.
All in all this is a good piece of writing and its very dark (I like that).
Now goodbye... I'm having an old friend for dinner. Be sure to check on the lambs...mwahaha
0.o. that was a nice piece of poetry... but it was slightly...graphic? I think the poetry itself is amazing, accept for the last line of the first paragraph, to me it just didn't seem to fit. but it may have just been me. and for the last line of the last paragraph, I completely agree. its SO annoying. hope to see more of your work soon! -Andy