Published October 24, 2011
So little time. They run about. Run. Before they catch you. Run. Before they snap that picture. Before the light blinds you all in it’s flash. Don’t you know what pose to make? Idiots! So many trees. So little time. Make the right move or you’ll be caught like a deer in headlights. Or, as most of us do, hide behind the trees and form the shape that they do. The lucky ones aren’t the ones aren’t the ones that hide behind the trees-- they’re the ones that get caught in a clearing. So little clearings, so little time.
Why are we all running? And since we’re all here, whose taking the pictures? What cruel genius created these trees that you all can form so well into.
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I have to agree that the format is a little bit confusing, but I think it just needs a bit of fine tuning. I can see that the sense of confusion is deliberate, or maybe I should say panic? The sense of panic? It comes across well, but you don't want to make something too uncomfortable for a reader, you know what I mean?
Also, maybe reconsider the use of 'cruel genius'. It just sounds a bit immature in contrast to everything else. Overall, it reads like a draft. I think you should spend a bit of time revising sentence structure and just polish it, because I really like the whole sense of it but it just doesn't sound finished yet. I hope that's helpful
Are you sure you didn't want this piece in one of the poetry sections? Or in Other? As it stands now, this isn't a story at all. And without any help as to what to make of your words, this is a dense, impenetrable thing to 99% of readers. I appreciate the scattering, running madness you've got going here, but that's about all there is to it. You've gone and locked out the reader through the entire thing, and it could easily be a statement about anything in the world.
Also the "whose" should be "who's" as in "Who is taking these pictures?"