Published November 7, 2011
My Story
Isn’t very long
A divorce
A beating
A rape
A pleading
And after that
I wanted death
Like an old friend
I just wanted it to end
A hospital
A psychiatrist
A court
A fight
I still want to sleep forever
End this pain
And because of this
they call me insane
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140,182 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
So, I read a lot of poetry, so I understood what this meant, but it is very confusing. It's good, and has potential, but it's just the outline of a poem, not the real thing. I understand the whole suicidal theme behind it, but there's no emotion. I feel like I don't feel like I'm reading it from the first person's perspective, because I can't feel myself in the other person's shoes. Try to deepen everything, explain why the narrator is so upset, what's made her depressed? Never remember the core answers necessary: What, who, why, how?
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The most important of these is what and why. The who can be assumed, and the how can be assumed, but you have to answer what and why. Here, in your poem, you've started to explain what, but you haven't finished, and you haven't even scratched the surface of why. You can do it, and I know the emotional depth can be deepened.
Goodluck! I look forward to seeing your next draft if you choose to revise it
First off. I absolutely adore your avvie. I'm sort of an enormous heath ledger fan. So anything relating to the joker in any way makes me happy. =]
Secondly, I read your other poem but didn't have time to review. I think that your style is really Sonya Sones like in a way. You write short little bits of things. In a way, these poems can have a huge impact because it makes the reader think even more, and other times, there just isn't enough information there to let us know whats going on. This one in particular, gives us the right amount of information to make a conclusion about the MC, we know that this person is in a suckish situation. There are a lot of people, believe it or not, that can really relate to this piece. Maybe not in every aspect, but in lots of ways. Your rhythm is pretty smooth and your rhyming is unique, which is always nice.
I don't have too many suggestions for it because we have pretty different styles. But nice job =]