Hi there! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, I think this rap starts out strong, but then it loses its way somewhere in the middle. I'm not a big rap listener, but I can feel a good flow when it's read out loud.
[You should leave and learn the lesson
I think you're missing a word here. Also, I think everything is solid up until this point. I lose the rhythm in the next few lines.
But you don't get it
He saw the lost girl nobody noticed,
And now he really sees the beat girl nobody wanted,
Did he really love me because I know his heart ain't broken
I only had to lose him to see that his heart be frozen
I would cut the first and third lines so it reads "He saw the lost girl that nobody noticed/But did he really love me 'cause I know his heart ain't broken/I only had to lose him to see his heart is frozen". I think this keeps the good stuff and flows a little better.
I'm stuck in the moment
And I keep praying for an end,
I'm praying for the day that I can wake up feeling safe
And I'll only keep on praying till the lord listens in,
I'm waiting for him to open this door right out of Hell
OMG I love the fourth line here so much. I would cut the third line as I trip up on it when I read out loud. The last line is kind of blah and ruins the rhythm so I would cut that, too.
Some days I feel so alone,
You know I once had solid dreams
Yeah my life was my control,
And then I got a leash that holds my steps from moving on,
Eh, the first line isn't great and also doesn't flow. "My life was my control" doesn't make sense. It could be "my life was under my control" or "Yeah my life was in control". I like the leash metaphor, but I think it could be more powerful if we tie it back to him, like "But now he's got the leash that holds me back from moving on".
That's how he liked it,
But I swerved all the comments
I had to make the content
It was a difficult concept
But I did it,
Rhythm-wise, I like what you're doing here. The shorter lines signal a transition to getting out of this mess. However, these lines aren't saying much. I'd like a little more transition that shows how you're moving on before we get to the strong ending.
Overall, I like the storyline here and there's some great lines. Keep writing!
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