One day you really fell in love
And now you sit regretting
Because this love that once was made for you has got a whole new presence
Yeah his heart be made of bullets
And his body now a weapon
Ain't nobody here protecting
You should leave and the lesson
But you don't get it
He saw the lost girl nobody noticed,
And now he really sees the beat girl nobody wanted,
Did he really love me because I know his heart ain't broken
I only had to lose him to see that his heart be frozen
I'm stuck in the moment
And I keep praying for an end,
I'm praying for the day that I can wake up feeling safe
And I'll only keep on praying till the lord listens in,
I'm waiting for him to open this door right out of Hell
Some days I feel so alone,
You know I once had solid dreams
Yeah my life was my control,
And then I got a leash that holds my steps from moving on,
He held it real tight so there's no way that I could go
My path lay ahead but he already dug the holes
So when I start to crawl for help I make a stumble to a fall
And then the dirt came crashing in as he took pieces of my soul
Until my voice no longer loud so my story stayed untold
That's how he liked it,
But I swerved all the comments
I had to make the content
It was a difficult concept
But I did it,
I played his game while I fought
And I made sure that I won
I ain't in prison no more
And now I'm living,
Ye, I'm now living
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi there! Niteowl here to review.
Overall, I think this rap starts out strong, but then it loses its way somewhere in the middle. I'm not a big rap listener, but I can feel a good flow when it's read out loud.
I think you're missing a word here. Also, I think everything is solid up until this point. I lose the rhythm in the next few lines.
I would cut the first and third lines so it reads "He saw the lost girl that nobody noticed/But did he really love me 'cause I know his heart ain't broken/I only had to lose him to see his heart is frozen". I think this keeps the good stuff and flows a little better.
OMG I love the fourth line here so much. I would cut the third line as I trip up on it when I read out loud. The last line is kind of blah and ruins the rhythm so I would cut that, too.
Eh, the first line isn't great and also doesn't flow. "My life was my control" doesn't make sense. It could be "my life was under my control" or "Yeah my life was in control". I like the leash metaphor, but I think it could be more powerful if we tie it back to him, like "But now he's got the leash that holds me back from moving on".
Rhythm-wise, I like what you're doing here. The shorter lines signal a transition to getting out of this mess. However, these lines aren't saying much. I'd like a little more transition that shows how you're moving on before we get to the strong ending.
Overall, I like the storyline here and there's some great lines. Keep writing!
I'm new to the reviewing thing but take this in good faith. Good work. It's is a conversation between two people. The first to line ten and the second starts from eleven to the end. In line four 'yeah his heart be made of bullets' could be 'his heart made of bullets' so it can flow with the next line.
You could use more of parallelism in poems like this especially towards the ending. The message is clear. The first person had less to say while the latter dominated the conversation. Try to balance that. Once again, good work.