by missmezza

Published February 13, 2011

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
ehte92
Review
ehte92 wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2011

Hello there.
You work looks very clumsy at dirty at the very first sight. Let us see what is inside.

Just for two moments .Is it just me or i have heard these lines before?
The caravan of our dreams,
made a stop.came to a stop would sound better.
And then you went your way,
and I went mine.

Just for two moments,
existed the tale of our hearts.
Just for two moments,
you were mine.

Was that you or a
blossoming bud?
Was that you or a
luminous beam?
Was that you or a
monsoon of dreams?

You gave me the chance
to live again.
Breathe the air once again.

Your hand was the only hand,
I touched lovingly.
Your cheek was the only cheek,
my lips touched.
You were the sounds,
filling the atmosphere.

For you I have lived all these
days with my lips sealed.
Unshed tears waiting to be
tasted at your arrival.
But in my heart the flames
of love have always been
burning only for you.

Life has brought me
here to this point.
I'm surrounded by countless
memories full of beauty.
Unasked I have now found
all the answers my ears
ached to hear.

Look at what I yearned for
and look at what I got.
How can I describe the cruelty
of this pitiless world?
Ordeals in every turn,
such unjust ordeals.

Just for two moments,
existed the fragrances of my desires.
Now I stand here,
holding the ashes of my heart.
Breathing life into them,
but its useless.
I'm nothing but a fallen angel.


It was a good piece just the spaces where a problem.
I liked it.
Keep writing. :)

ok, thanks for the criticism and no i will not change any of the words in the poem thanks

Random avatar
JapaneseNinja
Review
JapaneseNinja wrote a review Review · Feb 14, 2011

Just a really quick reply. Try spacing and creating stanza's in the appropriate places. It will make it easier to read and more appealing to the eyes. I like the word choice though, and the sentence lengths. Nice job and keep it up! Sorry I couldn't write a formal reply.



Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS