Published February 18, 2010
O, my head is swimming.
I just can’t stop spinning.
If I look back to the beginning,
All I can see is you grinning.
But now that we are sinning,
I see our relationship thinning.
So let’s go back to the beginning,
Where our love is still brimming.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,707 Literary Works • 675,595 Reviews
Whoa, no offence, but my head certainly was swimming with all those rhymes.
As said, you unnecessarily restrict yourself by using an AAA rhyme scheme, and even more so by ending them all with "ing", which isn't really a very nice sound to repeat so much.
You have a nice idea with the poem, so if you get rid of the rhyme scheme (and remember you don't need to rhyme in a poem at all) and make the poem longer, and choose your words to convey more meaning with the poem, then I'd be happy to review it again.
PM me if you have any questions,
JSPike
Hi Lind,
just going to drop a note before I crawl to bed. The repetitive 'ing' rhyme is boring and not very creative. Do you realize how much you limit your ability to expand and express thoughts by choosing an (AAA) rhyme, let alone other rhymes. There are some many ways to describe thing, right? Why, oh why limit it to drab empty words that really mean nothing to the reader ans will be forgotten by the time they get to the next line.
Good luck, and keep writing.
PM me with any questions!
Kamas