Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
She, who smiles a lot
She, who laughs so loud
She, that wanders through the city and forest
She, who has been called the goddess.
But behind all of that...
She, who bends down that smile at night
She, who cries herself to sleep and
She, who wanders in the darkness
Is she still a goddess? *Now read upwards*
by: mirensdiary
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139,791 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hey! It's time for a review!
! Also maybe use more vivid words. Can't wait to read more of your works!!!!
This is one of the best poems I've ever read! I love how you wrote in two perspectives i think it gives more detail to the poem. I really like how it expresses how people feel and you explain that really well. maybe you could go in a little more depth in the poem like add a couple of more lines but that is really your choice
Hey! Cello here!
So I saw a comment saying this didn't really 'feel like a poem'.
Honestly, I agree. It was enjoyable to read but not very poetic.
Now, I'm not just going to leave it at this, I'm going to do my best to give some pointers on how to fix this. Poetry tends to 'come from within' so it's hard to teach people 'how to be poetic' but I'd like to mention a few reoccurring themes
-Metaphors and Similes
Lots of figurative language-Actually, any type would do but metaphors and similes are the default.
Maybe change this to something like 'She, who sits alone and cries rivers' (That changed the meaning of the line but it was nothing more than a quick example)
-Detail
Lot's of detail, weather it's through comparison or statement, is always good.
'She, with her bright smile showing' (Again, just a quick example)
-Time
I don't know, this always helps me. Add a time frame, 'from sunrise to sunset' 'constantly' or even 'when she's alone' Okay, the last one wasn't 'time', more of 'when'. Still...
'She, constantly laughing and spreading joy'
Another suggestion-
I wouldn't keep the repetition of 'she'. That's part of the reason it doesn't feel 'poetic', it doesn't flow well.
This would be far nicer as
'She, who bends down that smile at night,
who cries herself to sleep and
who wanders in the darkness"
WAIT! I see my flaw! Then you can't read it backwards. Hm... Maybe
She, who bends down that smile at night
who cries herself to sleep and
She, who wanders in the darkness
Okay, still a little better I guess. Just don'e start (Almost) every line with 'she'.
Other than that- Really great story. I truly enjoyed the 'read forwards/read backwards' part.
-ChocolateCello
(I meant to put this as a review whoops)
Such great pointers!
Thank you so much 
this poem would be a lot better if it felt like an actual poem.
Such simple words, Stranger. I agreed.
Hi,
)
This type of poetry somehow becomes like a little viral now, huh? Do you take inspiration from the Worst Day Ever? written by Chanie Gorkin...here's a link to the poem http://www.poetrynation.com/article_detail.php?id=55 .. just a thought, though.
Don't mind me........much.....I warned you...
Anyway, welcome to YWS. mirensdiary, huh? Good name.
****REVIEW****
I skimmed this one time and as you said, I skimmed this one again but now backward. Impressive. So ironic.
I liked the dark part more than the smile part because I simply love melancholic things. Okay, the real reason might sound like this: Some people have secret as the goddess you said just now. As we see the dark part of a person, we will start to doubt him/her. So this also goes the same as your poem.
The thing I love next is the title, MIRROR. Okay, what's the function of this mirror? I just wondered... It may be a metaphor, but I just don't understand, so you as the poet must explain it to me on how this mirror affects the poem. This poem would go well if there is another title replacing it. So explain what is the mirror function. Don't you used the title mirror because it suits. There must be a reason.
Next, the picture at the bottom. I don't want to say anything about it, but remember, a picture's worth a thousand words. Reconsider. (The picture is quite sarcastic, in my opinion. It is meaningful.
Moving on, the first reviewer said about adding metaphors, symbolism...... And I agreed about this. Your poem is lacking the power of literature and language. Use all the instruments: personifications, similes, metaphors, etc., to make this poem vivid. And I think I saw some words that perhaps are not the best words to use. Using sharp and accurate diction is important in almost anything including poetry.
***IN A NUTSHELL***
Overall, I think I might say I just like this but I don't love it....(I know I am sarcastic...) You relayed on repetitions and that's may be a good thing and that's may be a bad thing. Thanks for filling my time. Keep writing. Don't ever, ever, give up.
~Nicol
P/s: BEHIND
Thank you very much! I'm still learning tho but this is a great help! ^^
I have to say I really do love this poem.
Although yes, as said earlier it could use a little more imagery and symbolism, but I just want to throw it out there if you do add a little more to it don't add much. I love the simplicity of it and how it really does convey what its like to have depression. You go around like nothings wrong but as soon as you're alone you break down. I also loved how you used kind of a mirror type thing when doing the when you're with others and when you're alone and I don't know if that was on purpose, but I loved it.
Thank you so much!
the concept is very nice..a little more rhyme do
Hello there! I saw your description, so I had to check out the poem.
Overall, I could really connect with this poem. Anyone who has suffered from, or witnessed depression should be able to, at least. I absolutely loved how you started off by describing what some with depression will act like around others. Then you described what it's like once nobody is around, and all the emotion just comes out. The only thing I would suggest, is perhaps adding metaphors, symbolism, etc., in poetry such as this. While it can make it cliché to try this with this kind of poetry, it may make it more interesting to read. I found this just a wee bit bland.
But nevertheless, I completely agree with this poem, and quite enjoyed it. Great job, and I can't wait to read more of your work!
Thank you! ^^ I will do more and thank you so much for the great advice it'll be a great help for a starter like me