Young Writers Society

Hello there!

First of all, as Nikayla said, I think this is better suited as a (really really) short story than 'other', especially as it has a beginning, middle, and end. We'll talk more about those later. Moving on to the actual writing.

The writing style: It's quaint and capturing, it arrests your attention and feels nice to the reader.
I loved your description of the main character, (I mean the guy not the narrator), and although it's ever so slightly cliché, it still fits in very well here. Auburn hair is one of my personal faves, so that might have made me partial, but anyways. I especially loved the starting of the story, it immediately captures you attention and definitely makes you want to read till the end.

The imagery is very very good, and I really did picture a bar/dance floor, and a redhead amongst many other, differently colored heads, then this guy with amazing warm eyes walking up... well you get the point.

The middle part, though content wise nothing special, is fitting and well written. I like the way you've carried out the flow throughout the story. The only place where the flow breaks, at keast for me, is here:
"I wanted to ask what could he possibly have his mind on that could make such a lovely face scrunch up in such a way. However, I chose to order a drink from the bartender instead."
The almost poetic language suddenly screeches to a halt when the narrator turns to order a drink. I repeat, order a drink. Something so mundane, ordinary and non poetic that it really ruins the flow and the previous sentence completely for me.

The ending: As Nikayla said, I too think that the ending is really confusing. It can be classed as an 'open' ending, I suppose, but open endings end with a "what happened next?' question than a 'whatever happened right now?' question. Why did she see red? Was it another reference to the hair? Was she so infatuated by that that she couldn't think clearly about anything else? Did something happen later to injure her and make her bleed? Did she get angry about something and 'see red'? It does give birth to many questions, but confused ones rather than curious ones. I believe that if you changed that a bit it would make the piece that much stronger.

Overall, great piece with a poetic quality to it, engaging and satisfying, improve on the ending and the sentence I mentioned in the flow related part of the review and we'll be going places. Looking forward to reading more from you.

Sadie

Hi there mioju and welcome to YWS! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review.

I wanted to first note that this is a bit more fitting as a 'Short Story' in a way more than 'Other' though that's quite minor. Just mentioning because this is Flash Fiction and Flash Fiction can be considered a Short Story--a very short one! That being said, you mentioned in the description that this is written based off of the novel you're writing. We as the readers don't know what this novel is unfortunately so the only content I have to go off of is what's here. That being said, I found this to be interesting even though this doesn't have a lot of dialogue. Doesn't need to. Most of this is based on the actual words and descriptions instead of character, which is fine with me.

I wanted to mention that in the first sentence of the first paragraph, 'rouge' should be spelled 'rogue'. The first person point of view is well-executed here. What confused me a little bit is the ending. This is the weakest part for me not only because it's rather abrupt and doesn't do a lot of explaining or even use context clues to show why the narrator sees red. The majority of this is nice though the ending is what needs improving on and expanding. Nice work here! Just smooth out the small issues and the ending and this can be an even stronger piece of piece of flash fiction on its own.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hi there!

First off, I'd like to welcome you to YWS. I hope you like it around here and, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask

The challenging thing about flash fiction is that you really need to focus it if it's going to be any good. It can't be too busy. In a way, flash fiction is all at once the most streamlined and least streamlined type of creative writing. However, I think that you have done a good job of focusing this piece on the colour red and imagining it into a metaphor for lust and romance. The story feels complete, despite its length, and it isn't abstract or complex in a way that might frustrate the reader. Well done!

I do agree with the reviewer below me about diversifying your use of the word "red". There are so many different ways to describe red, like crimson or scarlet or vermilion, and I would encourage you to experiment with those, depending on what you're trying to describe. Another thing is, that while I strongly appreciate the focus on your story on red, I think you could benefit from being less explicit about the very beginning about what the piece is about. I think that the reader will be smart enough to deduce the romantic themes after a few sentences.

Overall, this is a well-executed piece that, with a few tweaks, could be even better! Thank you for the read.

Best,
Lavvie

This story is very detailed but you use the word red a lot. Try and switch out the basic words. I really want to read more, keep writing.