The day she'll stop smiling
the smile she smiles right now..
Will be the day when others
will pray..."may she rest in
peace", and bow...
Because the depression would have
struck her hard..
And now she'll choose to end the
war, of being an ace of the
playing card..
Because depression wasn't there
for the first time..
She had already tasted this
sour lime.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Minakshi!
felt very deep. The girl has succumbed to her sufferings and now people are just showing their pity and sympathy for her.It was a short and simple poem but still I could feel strong vibes coming out of it. You chose a very intense idea of depression, something many people overlook as just a state of being sad and isolated but I know this a serious mental health issue!
I liked structure of your poem though I don't think use of so many periods is required but it's your choice so that's fine.
This small quoted line
The war ended for her and she failed!
These lines were my favourite. This proved that she has suffered a lot before and now this depression came back to her.
I felt you have very well expressed your feelings in this short and beautiful poem.Well done!
This is so cool and very relatable. One question that I did have had to do with your periods. Is there a reason that you have three sometimes and two others. That really messes with my brain. But that is just a visual thing. The writing itself is phenomenal. Poetry is a very raw and full of emotion, so it can sometimes be hard to share... Thank you so much for sharing.
Hey! Thanks for the review @bpmzcpl !!
There's no reason behind the appearance of the periods. Actually on social media everything is accepted so I didn't realize that.
This was my first work. I'll make sure I improve day-by-day. And sorry that I messed up your brain. ^_^;
Thank you!
This poem hit me like a ton of bricks. The implications here are devastating. This is some great stuff! I like that you didn’t go with obvious metaphors. The metaphor of a war is really smart! Also, I usually see poems like this be written from the focus character’s perspective, but you decided to go for the less obvious POV of an outsider. I think that works really well for you! The sole flaw for me is that you seemed to have tripped up the rhyme scheme for the final few lines. You only had one line in between the rhyming lines instead of two. But that’s just me nitpicking! Keep up the good work!
Hey! Thanks for the review @Lethargic !!
And the metaphor of the "war" is my favourite too. As this was my first work, I'll make sure that I improve day-by-day.
Thank you!
Hey,
I loved your work.
It struck me really hard. The emotional essence of the poem can be felt by the reader . How one can hide deep feelings inside and can fake a smile and fool the world is really touching. The rhyme scheme gives and extra touch to the poem. The poem really appealed to my heart to cry out loud. My favourite line is;
"Because depression wasn't there for the first time. She has already tasted this sour lime.
Great work.
Bravo.
That was my favourite part as well.
Hey! Thanks for the review @theescaper020 !!
And you decrypted the emotions behind the lines very well.
Thank you!!
Thank you @larry for the appreciation.