random part of a story - revised

Hey mimimac! Here's your review! I was getting very nit picky because most of the generals were already pointed out. : )

mimimac wrote: Maeve listened intently, trying to pick out any sound showing she was not alone. Silence reigned supreme, giving the impression she was safe and had not been followed. Sure she thought sarcastically.

“Are you sure?” The voice asked, and once again a dark shape flashed past her, and struck, this time the pain seemed doubled. She dropped to her knees in shock, her hands being the only thing that was holding her up from completely falling onto the wet ground.

“Aurelian.” Maeve whispered, the name itself seemed a source of true power.

She stared at him in horror, and found him staring back at her with his own pair of abnormal eyes. They were exactly like hers, black pupils bordered by white and an outer band of pure black which both made up his iris. She shivered as she noticed another thing that made them look alike… their golden hair. She looked down from his face and glanced at his muscled arms and chest. They stood out due to the tight sleeveless white top he was wearing, like her he also wore no shoes. Age wise he seemed to be either nineteen or in his early twenties, but Maeve knew he was much older.

He seemed to be amused and pleased with himself as he gave out a dazzling smile, showing all his brilliant white teeth. She found herself thinking he was extremely good looking, and nearly kicked herself at thinking of the person she was supposed to dislike in such a way.

“They will never treat you like one of them. You know I speak the truth, it happened to me. Together we could make them pay, make them ALL pay!” He hissed, anger growing in his voice. Maeve felt anger in her heart too, because although she wanted to say she had never thought of making them all suffer, she had.
“STOP!” Maeve said, and she immediately changed into her cheetah form.

All Maeve instincts screamed to run and hide. The long grass parted as she sprinted as fast as she could to the cover of the trees on the other side.

With the scent clear in his mind, Maeve knew she had no chance of hiding. However, she decided to keep on.

Hola, mimimac! I noticed this and I love when people post random bits from their stories (don't ask me why, cause I don't know myself) and I knew I couldn't pass this up ^_^

Maeve sprinted through the trees, using her tail as a rudder to maintain balance Hardly feeling the wet grass beneath her paws any more.

She she let out a shiver as she watched her captor approach with a smug smile lighting up his face.

Hey Mimi! It's Stella here, as you requested!

Right so...

I. NITPICKS

Maeve

“I know you’re there.” Maeve murmured as a gentle breeze ruffled her golden hair.

the name itself seemed a source of true power.

They were exactly like hers, black pupils bordered by white and an outer band of pure black which both made up his iris. She shivered as she noticed another thing that made them look alike… their golden hair. She looked down from his face and glanced at his muscled arms and chest. They stood out due to the tight sleeveless white top he was wearing, like her he also wore no shoes. Age wise he seemed to be either nineteen or in his early twenties, but Maeve knew he was much older.

“Join me Maeve.

speed for up to 3000 metres…

Hi, Mimi! Here as requested!

Maeve shivered as the wet grass beneath her bare feet brushed against her ankles. The sunlight was being blocked out by the surrounding trees, which were shielding the warmth the sun would provide. Maeve listened intently, trying to pick out any sound showing she was not alone. Silence reigned supreme, giving the impression she was safe and had not been followed. Sure, she thought sarcastically.
“I know you’re there[s].[/s],” Maeve murmured as a gentle breeze ruffled her golden hair.
“Give in, Maeve[s].[/s],” [s]A[/s]a deep, grating voice whispered from the shadows.
“Never[s].[/s],” she snarled.
A black shadow flashed past and struck her in the chest. The pain felt like an electric[s]al[/s] current had been run through her.
“Are you sure?” [s]T[/s]the voice asked, and, once again, a dark shape flashed past her[s],[/s] and struck[s],[/s]; this time the pain seemed doubled. She dropped to her knees in shock, her hands being the only thing that w[s]as[/s]ere holding her up from completely falling onto the wet ground.
“You’re a coward! Come out and face me!” she yelled, finally pushing the pain away and forcing herself to stand up.
“Now why would I do that, when this is so much fun?” the voice answered from behind her. Maeve turned to find herself face to face with the speaker.
“Aurelian[s].[/s],” Maeve whispered[s],[/s]; the name itself seemed a source of true power. She stared at him in horror, and found him staring back at her with his own pair of abnormal eyes. They were exactly like hers, black pupils bordered by white and an outer band of pure black, which both made up his iris. She shivered as she noticed another thing that made them look alike… their golden hair. She looked down from his face and glanced at his muscled arms and chest. They stood out, due to the tight, sleeveless, white top he was wearing, and, like her, he also wore no shoes. Age-wise, he seemed to be either nineteen or in his early twenties, but Maeve knew he was much older.
He seemed to be amused and pleased with himself as he gave out a dazzling smile, showing all of his brilliant white teeth. She found herself thinking he was extremely good looking, and nearly kicked herself at thinking of the person she was supposed to dislike in such a way.
“Join me, Maeve. No one else appreciates you, they think you’re a freak, just because of what you can do[s].[/s],” [s]H[/s]he said[s];[/s], his voice now very melodic and calm. Nothing like[s]d[/s] the deep grating one he had used before. Maeve realised he must have been in a change of form.
“No one else understands, they’ll never accept you for being better than them[s].[/s],” Aurelian continued, taking a step towards Maeve. His words echoed in her head.
“I won’t help you[s].[/s],” Maeve said, taking a step back. Her face started to fall, and she grew pale. He had hit a nerve, for, deep down, she agreed with what he had said.
“I understand what you’re going through Maeve.”
“Stop[s].[/s],” [s]S[/s]she said, trying to gain control of her emotions.
“They will never treat you like one of them. You know I speak the truth[s],[/s]; it happened to me. Together, we could make them pay, make them ALL pay!” [s]H[/s]he hissed, anger growing in his voice. Maeve felt anger in her heart, too, because although she wanted to say she had never thought of making them all suffer, she had.
“STOP!” Maeve said, and she immediately changed into her cheetah form. Strength flowed through muscles she never knew she had. A hedge far off in the trees on her right could now be easily made out. Aurelian’s breathing was magnified next to her along with his multiple heartbeats.
Wait… multiple heartbeats? On her right and left, she could faintly make out the beating hearts of another two beings, and she could also hear the same directly behind and above her. Training her newly developed eyes to the heartbeat on top of her, she could roughly make out a humanoid shape nestled in the tree top. Ambush. She gave in to her instincts and ran as fast as she could into the trees, as far away from Aurelian as she could get.
As she ran, she could not help but think about Aurelian’s words, for a second she had actually considered joining him, and had to get away, just in case she did. She knew it was impossible for her to outrun him, or try to hide any more, but she would never forgive herself if she just gave in. Maeve sprinted through the trees, using her tail as a rudder to maintain balance, [s]H[/s]hardly feeling the wet grass beneath her paws any more.
She found herself getting weaker and weaker, her energy leaving her. An average cheetah could run at full speed for up to 3000 meters… in her panic, she had definitely exceeded this speed, and now her full running time was limited. She began to slow down, and she realised that she was in the middle of a large grassy field with hardly any cover at all. All Maeve's instincts screamed run and hide. The long grass parted as she sprinted as fast as she could to the cover of the trees on the other side.
Suddenly, pain shot through her entire body as she was hit from the right and flung a few met[s]res[/s]ers away. She got up wearily, breathing heavily from her fall. Standing where she had been before, stood Aurelian in his dragon form, his tail lashing about in the tall grass around him. She was not that badly injured and quickly morphed into the form of a small mouse, the grass growing longer as she shrank.
“There’s no use in hiding!” Aurelian yelled, his voice now much lower, due to the change of form. “It’s only a matter of time before I sniff you out, you may change form, but your scent remains unique.”
Maeve held her breath, her tiny brown ears shaking with panic.
“You really don’t want me to have to find you Maeve[s].[/s],” [s]H[/s]he continued, menace becoming apparent in his voice. Maeve decided to risk it[s],[/s] and quietly began to scamper in between the large plaids of grass, trying as hard as she could to reach the safety of the woods again.
“I offered to play nice, but I guess you don’t know a generous offer when you see one.” With this, he changed into a form Maeve had hoped he would not – a bloodhound. With the scent clear in his mind, Maeve knew she had no chance of hiding. However, she decided to keep on. Her small legs began to grow tired, but she relentlessly scampered along, going as fast as she dared without attracting any attention.
Safety was getting closer, and her hope began to soar. Maeve began to scan the different hiding places available and how much protection they would offer. Suddenly, the breath was nearly knocked out of her tiny lungs as a huge paw grabbed her from out of a nearby bush. She struggled to breathe as the paw held on tightly. Suddenly, the creature that was holding her captive came into view and she recognised a familiar face - Lentiel in his werewolf form. He gave out a disturbing laugh; somewhere in between a snigger and a howl, showing his jaws and pronounced canines.
“Desist, Lentiel!” Aurelian’s voice shouted from behind. Maeve felt the werewolf’s grip loosen on her, but he still held on too tightly for her to make an escape. She she let out a shiver as she watched her captor approach with a smug smile lighting up his face.

Hi, Mimi! I loved this. It was beautifully descriptive. As Rosey noted, there doesn't need to be "said" after every bit of dialogue. I took care of correcting the grammar here.
One thing I noticed is that instead of putting a comma after a dialogue that leads into "he said", for example, you put a period and capitalize "He". It should be something like, "Wow," he said. Just nit-picking.
Overall, wonderful story. I really enjoyed the imagery. Gold star for you!

Hi, Mimi! Here as requested!

Maeve shivered as the wet grass beneath her bare feet brushed against her ankles. The sunlight was being blocked out by the surrounding trees, which were shielding the warmth the sun would provide. Maeve listened intently, trying to pick out any sound showing she was not alone. Silence reigned supreme, giving the impression she was safe and had not been followed. Sure, she thought sarcastically.
“I know you’re there[s].[/s,” Maeve murmured as a gentle breeze ruffled her golden hair.
“Give in, Maeve[s].[/s],” [s]A[/s]a deep, grating voice whispered from the shadows.
“Never[s].[/s],” she snarled.
A black shadow flashed past and struck her in the chest. The pain felt like an electric[s]al[/s] current had been run through her.
“Are you sure?” [s]T[/s]the voice asked, and, once again, a dark shape flashed past her[s],[/s] and struck[s],[/s]; this time the pain seemed doubled. She dropped to her knees in shock, her hands being the only thing that w[s]as[/s]ere holding her up from completely falling onto the wet ground.
“You’re a coward! Come out and face me!” she yelled, finally pushing the pain away and forcing herself to stand up.
“Now why would I do that, when this is so much fun?” the voice answered from behind her. Maeve turned to find herself face to face with the speaker.
“Aurelian[s].[/s],” Maeve whispered[s],[/s]; the name itself seemed a source of true power. She stared at him in horror, and found him staring back at her with his own pair of abnormal eyes. They were exactly like hers, black pupils bordered by white and an outer band of pure black, which both made up his iris. She shivered as she noticed another thing that made them look alike… their golden hair. She looked down from his face and glanced at his muscled arms and chest. They stood out, due to the tight, sleeveless, white top he was wearing, and, like her, he also wore no shoes. Age-wise, he seemed to be either nineteen or in his early twenties, but Maeve knew he was much older.
He seemed to be amused and pleased with himself as he gave out a dazzling smile, showing all of his brilliant white teeth. She found herself thinking he was extremely good looking, and nearly kicked herself at thinking of the person she was supposed to dislike in such a way.
“Join me, Maeve. No one else appreciates you, they think you’re a freak, just because of what you can do[s].[/s],” [s]H[/s]he said[s];[/s], his voice now very melodic and calm. Nothing like[s]d[/s] the deep grating one he had used before. Maeve realised he must have been in a change of form.
“No one else understands, they’ll never accept you for being better than them[s].[/s],” Aurelian continued, taking a step towards Maeve. His words echoed in her head.
“I won’t help you[s].[/s],” Maeve said, taking a step back. Her face started to fall, and she grew pale. He had hit a nerve, for, deep down, she agreed with what he had said.
“I understand what you’re going through Maeve.”
“Stop[s].[/s],” [s]S[/s]she said, trying to gain control of her emotions.
“They will never treat you like one of them. You know I speak the truth[s],[/s]; it happened to me. Together, we could make them pay, make them ALL pay!” [s]H[/s]he hissed, anger growing in his voice. Maeve felt anger in her heart, too, because although she wanted to say she had never thought of making them all suffer, she had.
“STOP!” Maeve said, and she immediately changed into her cheetah form. Strength flowed through muscles she never knew she had. A hedge far off in the trees on her right could now be easily made out. Aurelian’s breathing was magnified next to her along with his multiple heartbeats.
Wait… multiple heartbeats? On her right and left, she could faintly make out the beating hearts of another two beings, and she could also hear the same directly behind and above her. Training her newly developed eyes to the heartbeat on top of her, she could roughly make out a humanoid shape nestled in the tree top. Ambush. She gave in to her instincts and ran as fast as she could into the trees, as far away from Aurelian as she could get.
As she ran, she could not help but think about Aurelian’s words, for a second she had actually considered joining him, and had to get away, just in case she did. She knew it was impossible for her to outrun him, or try to hide any more, but she would never forgive herself if she just gave in. Maeve sprinted through the trees, using her tail as a rudder to maintain balance, [s]H[/s]hardly feeling the wet grass beneath her paws any more.
She found herself getting weaker and weaker, her energy leaving her. An average cheetah could run at full speed for up to 3000 meters… in her panic, she had definitely exceeded this speed, and now her full running time was limited. She began to slow down, and she realised that she was in the middle of a large grassy field with hardly any cover at all. All Maeve's instincts screamed run and hide. The long grass parted as she sprinted as fast as she could to the cover of the trees on the other side.
Suddenly, pain shot through her entire body as she was hit from the right and flung a few metres away. She got up wearily, breathing heavily from her fall. Standing where she had been before, stood Aurelian in his dragon form, his tail lashing about in the tall grass around him. She was not that badly injured and quickly morphed into the form of a small mouse, the grass growing longer as she shrank.
“There’s no use in hiding!” Aurelian yelled, his voice now much lower due to the change of form. “It’s only a matter of time before I sniff you out, you may change form but your scent remains unique.”
Maeve held her breath, her tiny brown ears shaking with panic.
“You really don’t want me to have to find you Maeve.” He continued, menace becoming apparent in his voice. Maeve decided to risk it, and quietly began to scamper in between the large plaids of grass, trying as hard as she could to reach the safety of the woods again.
“I offered to play nice, but I guess you don’t know a generous offer when you see one.” With this, he changed into a form Maeve had hoped he would not – a bloodhound. With the scent clear in his mind, Maeve knew she had no chance of hiding. However, she decided to keep on. Her small legs began to grow tired, but she relentlessly scampered along, going as fast as she dared without attracting any attention.
Safety was getting closer and her hope began to soar. Maeve began to scan the different hiding places available and how much protection they would offer. Suddenly, the breath was nearly knocked out of her tiny lungs as a huge paw grabbed her from out of a nearby bush. She struggled to breathe as the paw held on tightly. Suddenly the creature that was holding her captive came into view and she recognised a familiar face - Lentiel in his werewolf form. He gave out a disturbing laugh; somewhere in between a snigger and a howl, showing his jaws and pronounced canines.
“Desist Lentiel!” Aurelian’s voice shouted from behind. Maeve felt the werewolf’s grip loosen on her, but he still held on too tightly for her to make an escape. She she let out a shiver as she watched her captor approach with a smug smile lighting up his face.

This story is suspensfull and breathtaking. You have a vivid imagination and can express it in written words so it hums with the same detail and rhythm. Amazing, good job.

Wow, this was amazing-you have lots of potential with this idea. You have a likable protagonist and an interesting and mysterious villain. It's well-described and suspenseful.

Congratulations on writing a vivid and exciting beginning. The premise is interesting and I'd be interested to read more of this.

Hiya! This was a very interesting idea.

Comments:

Tags: It's probably my biggest pet peeve to have "said" after each bit of dialogue. Put some "action tags" in front of the dialogue (on the same line as the dialogue) so you don't have to put "said" every time somebody is speaking.

Opening paragraph: I found your opening line/paragraph a bit boring. The lines are a bit long, making things harder to understand, and you don't introduce the actual conflict until the thoughts, or even the first line. The first line/paragraph is the most important hook for readers. Introduce conflict soon, and only after the reader has been hooked give us a nice chunky description.

Characters: You do a nice job here with characters. By giving us a view that your MC wants to join the supposed dark side, you give her a weakness and a relate-able aspect. The relationship between Maeve and Aurelian is set up pretty well, although it is a bit confusing how they know each other at the beginning.

The only character I don't know about is Lentiel. He's just thrown in without any sort of introduction, yet your MC knows him. Since there's a lot of mystery here (this would make a pretty good prologue) you can't really spend a ton of time introducing him, but give us a little back-story (about a line's worth, maybe two) telling your MC's thoughts on him at least.

If you have any questions, send me a PM.

~Rosey