My hopes are very simple,
A dream rolled into one.
Yet fears are more the reality,
My dread of what's to come.
As a toddler I was oblivious,
Innocence clouded the mind,
Little habits carried by you,
Meant more than I could find.
Childhood was confusion,
I learnt from what I saw,
The things I had over looked
Were noticed more and more.
As I grew older I took notice,
The obvious becoming plain,
My despair became apparent,
And turned into hidden shame.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Wow! This was a great poem, and absolutely true. When we are children, we do have more hopes than despairs, even though we do know more than adults take for granted. As we grow older, we become more aware of the world around us, and every little bad thing feeds our fears and doubts. I loved the descriptive language and the rhyme scheme. There were some things, but the obvious ones were nitpicked for me by Abigail. Also, though, I noticed that the flow of the rhyme was a little off at places. 'Yet fears are more the reality ...' The last word has to be carefully fit it. It does do that, but it made me stumble a bit. Still, I agree with Abigail, a good poetry reader learns to make the words flow without difficulty. One more thing. 'Little habits carried by you meant more than I could find'. I had to think a little to catch on to the meaning of 'meant more than I could find'. The phrasing just seemed a little odd. I'm not suggesting you change it, because then you would have to change the whole verse, but pointing things out does sometimes aid improvement.
You are doing really well, and keep writing, because it's your thing.
God bless,
Ignis (:
Hi Mimimac! The title drew me in from the first ...
From the very beginning, I can tell that the rhymes roll off the tongue and the flow is apt.
You don't need the comma I highlighted in red here. You were probably intending for the reader to pause at the end of each line, but any good poetry reader will do that anyway; that's what the enjambment is for.
Generally speaking, "learned" is the past tense of "learn" and "learnt" is its past participle. However, it varies from region to region, so it's up to you whether to change it or not.
You'll notice I added in the word "that." I just threw it in there because it helps out the flow a lot. Also, "overlooked" is one word.
In this situation, "into" means virtually the same thing as "to," and since "to" improved the flow, it might just be the way to go. Look, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it! My feet are Longfellows.
Overall, I love the theme of this poem! It is so true how people get more and more jaded as they age. Through following the stages of life, you have portrayed this idea in a very interesting way!
I hope this helps, and I'd like to see more of your work!
- Abigail
That was amazing and slightly sad. But it was also very insightful. It is true in some ways. Like as a child you are oblivious to some things but children can understand more that what us older kids and adults think we do. We can know if something is cruel or kind just by sound even if we don't know what they said means. Or we are more insightful and more careful to other people's feelings and wish to become grown up so we can be like our parents or our role models. This was a very amazing poem and I'm glad I found it and read it.