how long have you been here?
-that depends.
on what?
-what year is it?
a late year.
-then a long time.
a long time.
-yes.
and your child, how old is he?
-i think he's six, i'm not sure. my watch doesn't work.
take mine.
-i couldn't.
take it. there's a spare battery in the bag. somewhere in there.
-you don't need it?
not where i'm going.
-and where are you going?
home.
***
-is that why you have the gun?
it is.
-you're going to do it.
yes.
-may i?
may you what?
-may i have it…when you're done?
it won't be any use to me.
-so yes?
yes.
***
-a bird.
where?
-on that branch.
where? i can't see.
-look closely, it's resting on the end.
my lord.
-i know.
i haven't seen one in so long.
-me neither.
it's beautiful.
-it is.
it's beautiful.
***
-what do you taste?
i taste peaches.
-peaches?
peaches, red wine, a hint of autumn.
-divine.
and you?
-what do i taste?
what do you taste?
-i taste my wife’s cooking, the cold lemonade she brought out to me and samuel the years before the storm.
***
your son is far out.
-he knows how far he can go.
and the string around his waist?
-you can never be too careful.
not with the ones you love.
***
do you miss her?
-who?
your wife.
-of course.
you never cry.
-i care for samuel, i cannot let him see me cry.
you're lucky.
-why?
you still have someone to hide your tears from.
***
the storm is coming.
-yes.
just like yesterday.
-yes.
it will kill us one day.
-one day.
it will kill us all.
-maybe, but today is not that day, and i pray it will not come soon.
but i do.
-then you are lost.
***
-are you leaving?
yes.
-where to?
i've already told you.
-is there nothing i can say—
no.
-nothing at all?
no.
-then go.
***
papa?
-yes, samuel?
where is your friend?
-he's gone.
gone?
-yes.
where did he go?
-somewhere where he could be free.
where is that, papa?
-home.
Dear mikeypro,
This is, well very, Beckett!
The language is simple and superficial, but the building up of the flow hints at something greater and more absurd, and more beautiful. I think I might reduce the external references and work more on the language if you ever felt like revisiting it although I can see that it already has a completeness of it's own.
I do think you have double elements:
elements of danger, fear: the gun and the storm
elements of separation: the boy tied to a rope and the (dead?) mother.
Maybe simplify it a little (i find the gun unnecessary) and focus more on these elements, tell us more about the sense of foreboding?
I understand the gun as breaking the otherworldy tension you're building up, because it is talked off as a daily object, but I would feel more comfortable as a watch.
About the boy, Samuel, any particular reason you choose his name? It mean's 'god's heart' or 'god's name', also well yes, the first name of Samuel Beckett.
Anyway, hope that's helpful, as I said read some of your reviews and liked them. This is nice, but I think you could take it further.
Then maybe you're more of a poetic proser than a poet, try just dialogue as in scenes from plays, that you can imagine on stage, give more precision of situation through didascalia. Not like a while play, but yes, like Beckett's fragments...
Best,
Velvet
Yes, I like poems they're so much better to read. And yes I actually finished reading one of mikepyro's. Maybe they should do this review day more often I have better luck on it.
Moving on to the real review, omg I really liked your poem. It was different and certainly more than worth my 5 minutes. The approach initially seemed weird but then it made good sense. It would be nicer if you could change the first conversation because it sounds....well, I don't think anyone would forget their child's age in a storm, would you do that?
I wish I could find more negativity to be of more help but apparently I can't coz you're too good. My favourite part was:
you never cry.
-i care for samuel, i cannot let him see me cry.
you're lucky.
-why?
you still have someone to hide your tears from.
Good job!:)
Yay, you entered my contest! You always write the most unique things, so I'm really glad right now... Anyway, time for my full review. My comments will be in blue, as always.
I like the way this poem is set up, as a conversation. It seems simple, but it's still so deep. Does that make any sense? I read a lot of depressing fiction, and this one stood out because of that. I don't have much in the way of nitpicks, so I'll just say very good work and never stop writing.
I have read a lot of poems having to do with storms lately... but that was because I chose to, not because the subject is over-used. This was really great! Especially since it's for that poetry contest. I like the layout, and it gets across the story well, beautifully. This was really a wonderful work of art.
Keep writing, please,
-Dai
I really like this poem! I really like how it is two people talking and one of them is always repeating what the other person is saying. It's really good. I've never read a poem like that, so it was a very nice change!
WOAH!!!!! That was truly amazing! I loved the conversation format and I thought it worked well. The two men each had a voice, one who repeated everything the other said and one who said short sentences. My sister says it's weird and she doesn't get it, but it's perfect for my contest, and we might have a winner right here.... so, great job and I really liked it! See ya!
-Cammie