Published June 22, 2010
This was deleted and I no longer want it on here.
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141,741 Literary Works • 675,652 Reviews
thanks I'll work on it.
Well I liked it. =D
But I do have a few things to say...
First off, I have the same problem that I'm sure everyone else does when you haven't seen much of a character yet: you know NOTHING of their personality.
But it must be remembered that the best characters are the ones that you remember. And one of the most memorable things about a person is a first impression. Is Mikayla clumsy? Maybe she could stumble on her way to her seat? She would probably be quite nervous about going to see the fashion designer, so you should make some mention to that I should think.
Writing in the first person gives the reader a lot of insight to the character's thoughts, but besides vague mentions of Jessica and the mysterious Edward, we didn't get much of that.
As well as that, her thoughts seemed a little detached. And were obviously intended for our benefit rather then an actual thought of Mikayla's.
A second thing that I noticed was that you skimmed over things a lot. Maybe you could try to slow things down a little bit and add a few little things in. This is a scene that could have SO much information, not only about this character, but Jesse as well.
So...
Just a few things to think about there. =) But I'm interested to see what happens and would like to read some more.
--Jester