California Here I Come!

Something was wrong. I had seen this scene many times before, but something was off. The lights in the nightclub were the same, the music was the same, and even the drink I was holding was the same, but there was one distinct difference. Someone was missing. I examined my surroundings for the millionth time trying to figure out whom but, like the other times before, I had no luck. A girl with bleach blonde hair was standing close to me, and it appeared we were friends of some sort, but I had no idea who this girl was. I didn’t recognize anyone in the club except for a girl with red hair. I didn’t know her, just recognized her, and I was twisting my brain around to try and find a name, but came up blank.

Suddenly the room shook and the lights went dark. There was a strange odor that filled the room, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that it was the scent of a skunk. I felt someone grab my shoulder. “Mikayla,” they called.

“What?” I asked instinctively.

“Wake up,” the stranger called.

I opened my eyes, unaware that I was asleep, and discovered that I was no longer in the nightclub but in my mothers SUV.

“Stinks, huh?” my mother asked.

I nodded. The smell was coming from the highway. Someone must have hit a skunk a while back. I rubbed my eyes and checked my watch. “How long was I asleep?” I asked.

“Not too long, and we’re almost there. Are you excited?”

“Of course!” I shouted. Maybe I spoke a little too enthusiastically because a hurt expression took over my mother’s face. “Mom, you know I will miss you so much, and I’ll call you everyday. Besides it’s only two months and then I come home.”

A small smile came across my mother’s face and that’s when I realized we had a passenger in the back seat.

Jessica was sitting quietly with her legs crossed. She was wearing a dress that I made for her and a pair of heels she was borrowing from me. She had earphones in her ears and was moving her head to the beat. When she noticed me examining her she smiled and pulled her earphones out.

“I can’t believe you’re going to California!”

“I know. It’s crazy.”

She and I laughed. “You better get the job, or I will be pissed.”

“Jessica my odds are pretty slim. I’m just lucky to be interning for a fashion designer high up in the industry.”

“Not just any fashion designer. Olga Bernard!”

I just smiled at her. She was right. Olga Bernard wasn’t just any old fashion designer. She has multiple clothing lines, two fashion magazines, and she’s the owner of some of my favorite stores. I was psyched to be working for her.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
mikaylakk25 Comment

thanks, yeah I'm not very good.

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lilymoore
Review

Hey there, Mik. So, right off the bat, I wanted to just point out two little nitpicks.

figure out whom but, like the other times before, I had no luck


Other makes this sentence sound awkward. I’m not entirely sure if it’s some sort of rule but I keep reading this sentence and, to my eyes, it looks wrong.

I’m just lucky to be interning for a fashion designer so high up in the industry


These are very very tiny tweaks but sometimes the tiniest tweaks can make a sentence smoother. These little itty bitty changes I made up there are only recommendations of course, but I think they would help. :D


However, this is overall, a very refreshing site. And I actually haven’t read anything at all like this in quite a while on YWS as far as plot goes. The only real recommendation that I have for this off the bat is to be careful to keep an eye out for sentence flow which really just means reading things over to see how they ‘feel’ if that’s the best way to put it. Sometimes, I find that reading the sentence out loud and listening to how it sounds when spoken can help you spot these problems.

Hope I could help but if you have any questions or need assistance with anything else, I’d be happy to lend a hand.

~lilymoore



You cannot understand and disagree.
— P. D. Ouspensky