Marijuana: Chapter 1: The First Hit

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Hmm..well...this was certainly not an idea that I've run into before...and it certainly seems like it could make for quite a good story if you manage to pull things off correctly here...and at first glance, this is quite a solid start as far as the first chapter is concerned.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Everyone in the world has strong opinions on marijuana. Some people think it is the devils drug and should be taken off this planet, while others think it sets you free. I think that marijuana is a good help to those in need. If you are depressed and need to take a few hits to feel happy, so be it. Now don’t get me wrong there are people out there who take advantage of it. People who just want to fit in or look “cool”. My journey with marijuana started with depression and a broken heart that needed mending. I’ve never told anyone this before, so I thought I should tell everyone.

It was the summer of sixth grade and school had only been out for about a week now. I felt like this summer could really change me. I wanted to lose weight and make some more friends before middle school started up. The first thing I did over summer was go see my cousin Lelani. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend. Whenever I and she were together there were always giggles and inside jokes. The only person who could understand us together was my grandma.

Lelani was from Vallejo and had experienced things that I hadn’t quite known about yet. When she came down to Vacaville to see me she brought some weed in a small zip lock bag. Later that night she asked if I would go to the park around the corner with her and smoke tomorrow. I never told her how I barely knew what that was or how to use it. In a short amount of hours the time came and we were walking over to the park the next day.

We walked down the path that led to the back of the park and sat behind a big bush so that no one would see us. She pulled out the bag with the marijuana in it and said angrily “fuck, I forgot rolling paper.” I told her to use the paper off of a piece of gum expecting her to look back up at me like I was crazy. She seemed to like the idea though and took out the packet of gum in her bag. I watched her every movement from taking the weed out of the bag to rolling it and eventually lighting it up. Like I said, she doesn’t know that I’ve near smoked before and I want to seem experienced when she passes it over.

I held the rolled weed in my fingers and slowly breathed the smoke in. I let it go down into my lungs and held it for about 20 seconds. I steadily breathed the smoke out and immediately wanted to take another hit. The sensation of having the drug in my body felt like heaven. All the thoughts and feelings I had before suddenly disappeared. I no longer felt like people were staring at me and judging me every time I walked past them. I no longer felt suicidal or as if no one cared about me. Little did I know that the feeling doesn’t last forever. When the drugs wore off, I came back to reality. Knowing that I needed a substance to stop my pain and suffering scared me. But that didn’t stop me. It made me want it more. It made me need it. And so it began.

Alrighty. I like this, but here's the thing:
You describe pot like it's a hard drug. Like Meth or LSD or something. But pot isn't addictive. No side effects, no withdrawal. It isn't, in itself, dangerous, except maybe to your lungs after a few decades.

Besides that: Could you expand this story a little more? Especially in:

1. Why you have a broken heart. 'cause seriously, that's a big facet of the story and I'd like to know about it.
2. Who Lelani is. I know she is your cousin, and you are good friends. But what I want to know is what exactly you have in common. This is a good opportunity to fill in a little about who you are as well as who she is.
3. how exactly she convinced you to go to the park. I'm looking for some dialogue here. I know it's a bit of a pain to write, but it's totally worth it, trust me on this one. You don't have to recreate the conversation exactly, but say the gist of it, and make it sound like it's actually coming out of you and your cousin's mouth.
4. the bit where you do the do. smoke the smoke. It is one of the longer paragraphs in this story, but still, I'd really like some specifics. I'd like to know how the drug actively effected you. For example, if Lelani said something to you, would you answer differently then if you weren't high? that kind of thing.

besides that, I'd like to see more visuals, please! Like what the park looked like, how dark it was outside, what the weed smelled like, how the weed smelled... that sort of thing.

What I liked:
1. The bit about the gum wrapper. That was great. Very specific and memorable.
2. "And so it began". It makes me want to read more!

Good job, and good luck! Hope I helped a bit!

Hello!

Here to read and review.

1. One of the plus[es] about this piece is the narrative POV. I don't think this story could be sold from any other perspective other than first. That said, you need to watch out for tense consistency with this POV. For example:

Like I said, she doesn’t know that I’ve near smoked before and I want to seem experienced when she passes it over.

I watched her every movement from taking the weed out of the bag to rolling it and eventually lighting it up.