Submitted for the YWS June Contest
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He was dressed in a black three-piece suit, with a white pocket square in the breast pocket. He hadn't worn it since his wedding day - the first time he had crossed to this side of the bridge. He had come to start a family and it had gone that way.
He had never left the house in the last fifty years without kissing his wife. He would wake up every morning at five on the dot, take a shower while his wife prepared breakfast and then eat with her at the kitchen table. When he was done, he would step out on the front porch to enjoy a smoke in the summer; in the winter, he would grab a shovel and clear the driveway, then he would bring inside an armful of logs and leave it next to the fireplace. He would leave the house at around six forty-five - but never before pecking his wife on the lips.
He would then start his commute - the only part of the day he truly resented. There was something about being confined to his car seat for two hours that he did not like one bit. His drive would take him across the bridge twice a day, every day, from Monday to Friday. He had considered many a time to simply move to the other side of the bridge; it would have been close to his mother's house and closer to his workplace. He had talked it over with his wife; their children were learning to walk still and they wouldn't have noticed the difference. They were going to do it, then his mother died and they postponed it. They buried her in a cemetery close to her house and it broke his heart knowing he would never see her again.
The years passed and the children grew up and he couldn't uproot them anymore. He went on with his commute, learning to make the most of the hours he spent in the car by listening to audio books on the car stereo. Much later on, when he retired, he would find himself missing those evenings spent in traffic, going across the Brooklyn Bridge, while a monotone voice read to him the latest Stephen King novel.
The day to move across had come though, and it was today. The first and only day in fifty years when he did not kiss his wife before leaving the house. She didn't hold it against him; with tears in her eyes, she planted kisses on his pale cheeks before they nailed his coffin shut. Their two sons helped place him in the hearse, while their sister comforted the grieving widow. He was going to be buried next to his late mother.
His family and close friends followed in cars as he crossed the bridge one final time to the other side.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey it's MemoryHunter here to review your short story~
There is nothing wrong with this short story, however I felt that you could improve the transition between the second to the last paragraph and the third to the last. Although, I do understand, since there was a word limit. I just felt that something more could be said about it.
You managed to write about a whole life in such little space. I applaud you for that.
Welp, I'd like to read more of your work, please don't stop writing.
As always, happy writing~
Hi mihaivisan, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Overall thoughts
Story plot: When I first started reading this, I thought it was going to be really boring, but it actually turned out to be really good. You slowly built the story up little by little until the final paragraph when you got to the point of the story. By that paragraph I'd practically seen this man's entire life and it was almost like I knew him, so the death was really impact-full.
Characters: The only character that I get to know very well was this man. His overall life was pretty much the same as any person's life, but it was because you put small bits of his emotions here and there through out the story that it was so connecting. You showed his love for his wife and kids on multiple levels. You showed his sadness for his mother and his regrets about life. You made me really understand his characters.
Description: Your description wasn't amazing, but it was okay. You gave some decant imagery through out the story and there isn't really much need for more description.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hey...I must admit that the story is great.
The unnamed focus of this story is a human. He is a human with specific aspects to his life, sure - a two hour commute, a mother on the other side of the river, Stephen King on audio book - but we know so much and yet so little about him he feels like anyone.
It is the story of a life. And that's why it works. That's why the last paragraph is still a whammy, even if it's predictable.
The double meaning of 'The Other Side' comes into focus there - the other side of the bridge, the other side of existence. It's a simple sort of poetry - not hard to see, but that sort of effective title that works in ruminations like this.
Overall, I like this piece. It's effective, simple, and tells a human little story about a human it seems the world is worse off without.
Wow, that ending definitely took me by surprise. What I think is really amazing about this piece is that in about five paragraphs, you kind of summarized a life and what life is like in general from the youth until death. I don't really have a whole lot critique. Didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes. Transitions from scene to scene could be a better. Maybe elaborating more on the children? let us get to know them a bit? I'm just nit-picking here. Overall, this was a really great piece. Good luck on the contest!
- Sofia
i agree that there was much more to be said, but the contest has a 500-words limit