The muffled sound of a thunder wakes him up. He is too sleepy (or maybe too lazy - he doesn’t know and it doesn’t even matter) to get up, so he settles for following the grey clouds above with his sight. Somewhere, not far from here, a storm is cleansing a part of this forgotten land.
A weak gust of wind forces him to close his eyes for a moment, as he feels the invisible force blowing through his thick, grey mane. It’s a pleasant feeling, almost like somebody is caressing his head, telling him how good of a boy he is, for finally accepting his fate. He opens his eyes, and two tear drops start rolling down his cheeks, as if they had been eagerly waiting for this moment to come.
Another thunder - this time closer and louder - sends shivers down his spine. The wind starts blowing faster, changing its motherly feel and whipping him across his face. He is confused: why is he being punished? Didn’t he do what was expected from him? It wasn’t his fault everything else went against him. Or maybe he was being mocked, for being naïve enough to let his fate to be decided by someone else but him. For being weak when he wasn’t supposed to.
A third thunder makes it impossible for him to hear his own thoughts, and he feels thankful for that. “You can hide from everything, but yourself” he thinks, as he buries his face into his warm shoulder. Contemplating about life and death, right and wrong, he drifts back into nothingness.
* * *
“But why him, daddy?” says the blonde, curly haired little girl, voicing her childish concerns.
“He is sick, my little angel. I’m only helping him” he reassures his daughter, while carefully stepping between puddles of water, not wanting to wake him up. It would go easier this way.
But their voices had already done it. He raises his head, blinking rapidly to regain focus and fight back tears, and slowly gets up, feeling like his legs are about to fail him. Like he is about to fail himself once more, by showing signs of weakness. Looking up at the sky, he understands why the timing is perfect: the grey clouds are gone. “People have it all wrong” he thinks. “It’s not about the calm before the storm, it’s about the calm after it. It’s about going through the toughest times and making the hardest choices, and being able to live with the aftermath. Sticking by your faith, after taking a stroll through Hell.”
After this epiphany, he is ready. He looks his Master dead in his eyes, wanting to let him know it’s time.
“Come on, boy. Let’s go.”
Keeping his head high, he obeys him once again. The grey wolf is about to be put to sleep.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi mihaivisan,
So it took me a couple days to get here, but I've read through this. I can't exactly remember what you were looking for in a critique, so I'm just going to have to be honest and do what I usually do.
First a particular nitpick, if it is one bit of thunder, it's called a thunderclap, so when it gets bigger and such, it's either "another thunderclap" or "more thunder" the difference between singular and plural in your story is up to you.
I might just be remembering your other story, the prequel to this? But I already knew what was going on here immediately. I knew it was a creature - "grey mane" ruined your attempt at hiding that - and I guessed it was a wolf. Trying to keep that hidden through the text isn't working for you at all, it's just annoying for me to read the secretive sounding text while all the while knowing. I haven't read your other reviews, so maybe lots of people disagree with me about that. For me, however, it's a huge issue.
The other issue is that I feel nothing for this wolf. There's no reason to feel anything for him until the humans are talking - the human dialogue and action is the best part of this story. It's believable and it isn't put on like the rest. What you have in the wolf's mind is boring, self-serving and just melodramatic. Give us something to really sink our teeth into. You also need to streamline a lot of what you're writing here, you're taking forever to say nothing much at all. Take this for example:
What are you saying here? The first bit is fine until we hit "so he settles" because now you just end on a bit of a ramble. What's wrong with "so he settles for blinking at the grey clouds" or something similar? The wordiness of your writing is going against you. Words are cool. I love words, but sometimes I use way too many and when it happens I have to lose them. The second bit is just blah. I don't like "a storm" because it's the same storm, so I'd keep it as "the storm" and then "a part of this.." the land isn't forgotten because the humans appear - even if they're not there yet, let's not begin on a lie, and the "a part of" is too long and too unnecessary. Stick to "cleansing this forgotten land" if you're enamoured with the language there.
Whenever you have to (or do) clarify statements (a part of, with his sight, he feels thankful, not wanting to wake him up) then you're probably writing too much. My advice at the moment is to remove all those kinds of statements, anything which adds on to a sentence that already says something. If it isn't absolutely necessary to the sense of the line, chuck it. You don't have to keep it chucked, otherwise your story would be boring. But after that only let half of them back in. You could, for example, keep the not wanting to wake him, but you'd have to throw "feels" and the other two sections. It's difficult and time consuming but I think it will help show where description and language is really needed and where it's just taking up space.
I'm not keen on the wolf's thoughts, mostly because they're melodramatic and angsty and I end up just not caring. I'd like to know about how the water weighs down his furt and raising his head seems so hard now, closing his eyes so easy. How the boots of his master are covered in mud, and how the little girl's voice makes him think of the time when he snapped at her hand and was whipped. He's dying, give us more than "oh woe is me" give me sadness and emotion. An example of this is your last line. It needs to be a strong line, it needs to be memorable. It really isn't, but if you rearrange it a little it can be. Consider "It is time for this old wolf to sleep" is now emotional. It's time suggests the running out of it, and the waiting that's gone on before it. He's old, or feels old, and the sleep is suggestive of the being put to sleep.
So, I hope that isn't too confusing. I'm happy to clarify whatever you have an issue with. I think you can work with this, but my suggestions are a bit time consuming and they're not for everyone. Good luck though.
~ Pen
Hello mihaivisan,
This is really good, I loved it. I liked the thought behind it and the whole idea was really original, I've never read anything like this before- it's great to see something so unique and artistic. I loved the symbolism behind this story, it keeps you thinking after you read it and is truly thought provoking. The way you've written this is so mysterious and elusive until the very end- and it's... wow! It's such an unexpected twist and it really jolts you. I love reading pieces like this and your story stood out to me particularly because you set it up so well and the reader really wasn't expecting it. It's such a sad and beautiful ending, but most of all, it's dramatic because it's so contrasting and different to the start of the story. No one expects it and that's what makes it effective. Overall I really enjoyed this- it's beautifully written and it really impacts the reader.
Now some specifics;
This line was maybe a little unnecessary, it also sends a conflicting message to the reader which could confuse them. You start by saying that he is too sleepy/lazy to get up... And then he gets up!? It's fine if you want to acknowledge that he is tired or lazy but don't drag it out. You even said it yourself in the piece, "he doesn’t know and it doesn’t even matter" so there's no need to prolong this description, short and snappy works fine for little details like this.
This part is sweet, however the way you've worded it makes it distracting. You could settle for something simpler, such as: "praising him". Or anything else you can come up with. It's fine to mention little details like this in a short story, but unless it has a direct impact on the story, it's best to keep it brief, otherwise a short story quickly becomes... Not so short.
This isn't punctuated entirely correctly, it should be something like this: "feeling like his legs are about to fail him, like he is about to fail himself once more by showing signs of weakness." It makes more sense grammatically which ultimately makes it flow better. It's not all that important, just a little nit pick, but correcting small details can make a piece more professional and easier to read.
Other than those small errors I couldn't find many other problems with this piece. It's really good and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Under regular circumstances I would write a longer review but I struggled to find many errors with this piece and I had almost no criticism for you. I just loved reading this. It was powerful and emotive and I really enjoyed reading this. Congratulations on writing such a brilliant story, I hope to read more from you in the future. Please don't hesitate to ever request a review from me. I would take great pleasure in reading any more stories you ever write. Great work- I hope I'll see you around! Keep up the awesome writing.
From EnchantedPanda <3
Well, this is- really good.
It's very unique, I was lost at some points, wondering where you were going with this, and what the point of the story was, but then I was thinking... Leaving this a mystery is leaving plenty to the mind. It's leaving lot's to think about... ponder over.
I really do like this. It's very, it's, I don't know what word I could use to describe it...
You're very criptic in the message though... in the start anyway, i'm still thinking about what the whole story means. But it's given yet another thing to think about, and try to figure out.
Another mystery to me... I'm going to try and understand this. But for now, i'm stuck between, thinking of a really unique and individual, inspiring piece... and just being confused about it.
Just to make it clear; I think this is really good, and me being confused about it IS NOT A BAD THING. I don't get confused about too many things... so I actually congratulate you on doing so.
Well done, good luck!
Keep writing!
-Clarity.
Oh yeah, youwill notice that I have not involved any advice on how to improve this... that's because there is simply nothing I see improvement for!
greetings!and wow
really artistic thing you did here. the atmosphere you put in the piece is really beautiful and has this aura that lets you go further deep into it. you succeeded though in making me think something quite else throughout the story then banging me with the surprise at the end. nice touch. without that surprise i really thought it wasn't turning out really good, but you converted me with it. your language is really poetic and creates a profound impact.
i really want to read more
Thank you
Puck
and welcome to YWs
"greeting!and wow"
that's the kind of words that make your heart skip a beat, when you're eagerly waiting for new reviews. thank you!
and as i mentioned earlier, that's what i've been trying to do: push the reader into believing a whole different thing, while at the same time, feeding him enough details for him to piece together later.
thank you, and keep a close eye, things are brewing up!
At the beggining I confess that the story seemed a bit confusing to me, lots of questions about who was that character, what was happening... But then, when you reveal it's about a grey wolf ready to face his fate, all the emotions you put in this short story, I could really feel what he was feeling. The ending is really sad, yet beautiful.
And the way you wrote is amazing. Everytime i re-read it seems even more fascinating.
Bravo soţule. Keep writing!
Faithfully yours,
le wife.
you know your opinion matters the most.
that's why you're the first to read my drafts, and the only one who can influence the course of my stories.
the task of being my editor is yours, wife
i trust you. kisses
My love of animals and rainy days made the entire ambiance of this story easy to fall in love with. It was short and sweet, written well, and with a nice twist that tears at your perspective without jolting it. This isn't a very constructive review...sorry. XD But I genuinely liked this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Oh, and by the way, welcome to YWS!
always good to get some positive feedback.
thank you, i hope we'll see more of each other!
Wow, reading through it I felt disapointed for most of it. Then the ending snapped me into a fan. Everything amde sense. At the start reading through I was confused about certain things but once I found out more details I read it through again with the knwoledge in mind and it seemed like a different story.b Quiet amazing really because I was able to interpret it differently just because of the way you wrote it. I am very sad about the ending though, all that bit about him pondering on his thoguhts seem like they are going to have a nice conclusion then he is about to die. kind of sad and I never like endings where people die hopelessly.
I am slightly curious as to how he ended up here though. You could easily write another short story leading up to this one because the way you have written this it seems like a lot of interesting things happened before. I know that would kill hte point of a short stroy but hey I can't help my curiosty.
Also when I was reading through some parts of the story it seemed less like a story and more like a poem. There were some lines in this story that could be put together and refined to make a nice poem. That would work especially well since it is very easy to have different interpretations with this writing and that is something good to have when writing poetry.
Any how I liked it, genuinely surprised by the ending. Although very short, it still managed to grip me
thank you, that was a very constructive review.
to be fair, thats what i had in mind; i wanted to push the readers into believing something else, and have them stunned at the end.
i will seriously think about a prequel; now that you mentioned it, seems like a good idea.
i'm glad you liked it, keep a close eye for more!
this one made me want to cry a little. im a hge animal lover and i have a gray wolf at home he is like family to me. i can understand how some animals can be ready to die my wolf zeus is 14 and he is getting there. i could never do something like that myself tho. i really did like this one. it really caught me. keep writing.
good reviews - always welcomed!
happy to hear you liked it; stick around, maybe you'll enjoy more of my stuff